Monday, March 22, 2021
D-Day. Today I was making my presentation to the Step Up Tutoring tutors. I was having a problem with one of the slides. I called Julia, the program’s tech person, for help. I couldn’t get out of draw and into text. That was solved when I reinstated the default text boxes on the slide. Julia told me that only seven people had signed up. Okay. That was a small number. I had been worrying about a big crowd. That information drained all the stress out of the situation. Ah!
Damon’s call during the morning. He had to travel from point A to point B. He uses that time to make his personal phone calls. I thought he was doing that because his wife had put her foot down about him making phone calls from the house. That would be a great idea. Many families stop functioning because each person is on their own phone talking to someone outside the family. But no, neither Cylin nor anyone’s concern for family togetherness is at issue. The problem is these are the only times he has a chance. Otherwise, he’s doing something for work or some chore around the house.
Damon revealed that Yvette had recently told him that Mike’s fatal pancreatitis may have been caused by his anti-depression/anxiety meds. One of his doctors stood by his bedside and told him that it was the only explanation for his condition they could find. Mike wasn’t on the usual dosage of these meds; his prescription was over the maximum recommended. He lived with much anxiety; he said it was the only way he was prepared to live, despite any consequences. I worried about the consequences more than Mike did. None of the therapists he worked with could find a way to help him with that anxiety until he worked with EMDR. He started to make some inroads with it. Then we moved to Hawaii. Kaiser, our insurer, did not have therapists who used that method. I offered to pay for an uninsured therapist myself. He didn’t accept. Then I learned from my dental hygienist it was possible to get a therapist who used that method if your primary physician at Kaiser wrote a prescription for it. His doctor did, and he found an EMDR therapist here in Hawaii. Too little too late.
I was on one of those short walks I take throughout the day while I was on the phone with Damon. Jan stopped her car to say hello. John and Julie passed. I congratulated John on his successful suit against our neighbor with the dozen roosters, forcing him to get rid of them. Ah, blessed silence. Well, not excessive rooster noise; we still have wild chickens. Then Darby came running out into the street to give me a book. Damon made some comment about being popular. Nah. That’s not the right term. I’m good at developing loose connections. If I lived in his neighborhood, I’d probably know most of the people by name too.
I run my updates and blogs through Grammarly. They give me a weekly update, appraising my work. They say my writing is mostly sad and mostly negative. I live with a lot of gratitude, but it isn’t reflected in my updates. I need to include some gratitude in each entry.
I caught a nap and did some gardening while I waited for the call from Amazon. I needed to straighten out my mess with them so I can get back on. Free shipping to Hawaii is crucial. Something that might cost $5 to ship on the mainland can cost $50 to ship to Hawaii. I had a pair of glasses sent by UPS- $60.
In preparation for the Zoom presentation, I showered and put on makeup. I used a set of grease sticks I bought. They’re great. The blush spreads out over my face instead of looking like a clown’s apple check. I had visions of Mike saying, “painted woman,” that is, if he could have seen the difference.
For the first ten years of our life together, Mike insisted that I was objectively the most beautiful woman in the world. My only close competitor was Jane Fonda, think Barbarella. It took years for me to convince him that I didn’t consider his comment a compliment. It only brought his sanity into question. I knew perfectly well that I wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world. I doubt even Jane Fonda thinks of herself that way. What had a lot of meaning for me is that he found me the most beautiful woman in the world. That had a lot of meaning for me. It brings me to tears just thinking about it now. The man told me I was beautiful every day of our life together.
Shortly before 2 pm, the starting time for the Zoom Presentation, I reconnected with Julia. She told me that now there were 20 people signed up. As we talked, three more signed on. It was too late for me the freak-out.
I flubbed the first slide, my very introductory comments. I sailed through the rest. I had rehearsed it to the max. Never thought about it as anything else than another rehearsal. I had fun. I didn’t get a lot of feedback during the presentation. There were two times we went to breakout rooms. Julia put me with the same people both times. Two men were positive about my work. One man actually thanked me. This is something anyone can use; they are learning along with the student. But it requires the teacher to also be a learner, someone who makes errors while working with their student. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Some people asked me for advice in dealing with the student they were working with. I told them to email me with their questions rather than ask them during the presentation.
After it was over, I relaxed and napped- postpartum. I looked through the book Darby gave me. It was on Hawaiian traditions before the haoles (white people) landed and helped them ‘improve.” The haoles brought Christianity and convinced the Hawaiians that they were some lower form of life. Maybe the Europeans invented arrogance.
Later in the day, I went down a YouTube rabbit hole following Broadway shows and dance videos.
Before I went to bed, I called Amazon. It had been over twenty-four hours and no call from them yet. Again, I spoke to a rep who said he would send another message for them to call me. We’ll see.
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