Sunday, August 8, 2021

 Sunday, August 8, 2021

 

      It was a night of distress. I found myself arguing with people in my head. It was nerve-wracking. The good thing about this pattern of thinking is I often get new insights. 

     When a freshman in college, I had to write a piece from two different points of view as a conversation. I choose Jackson Pollack as my subject. I hated his work at that time, and I told him so. Then it was his turn to speak. Boy, he impressed me with his point of view. Mind, this was all coming from my head. He died two years before I wrote the essay. You can learn a lot from a discussion expressing different points of view, even if you're the only one participating. Carl Rogers used this as a form of psychotherapy.  

        However, there are times when my monologuing dialogues are just obsessive and distressing. I associate them with fear. Last night, I asked what lay under that fear. It was rage, a pretty scary rage. I could 'sit' with that, although it was tough. Who likes to be murderously angry? Under fear sat my anger, and sometimes under my rage sat fear, and sometimes it was just sadness. We're like onions needing peeling to find the next real moment. That's what I like about Buddhist meditation. It supports that process. 

       I waited until I heard the birds chirping before I got up. While I listened to my Sunday morning NPR shows, I did some house cleaning. The living room desperately needed to be vacuumed. I also washed Elsa. 

       I have noticed that she's been licking one of her feet. As I washed her, I could see her poor foot was bright red. I checked it, but I didn't see anything. She's not licking all the time. That suggests the cause of the problem is psychological rather than physical. It could be my mental state that's getting to her. I haven't been this agitated for years. 

       Today, I finally mediated. It was a wonderful state to be in. I was calm within myself. Ah!! I have to find some way to calm my inner agitation. Mike could calm me with nothing more than one of his hugs and a kiss. Boy, I miss him. There is no Mike replacement. 

       Tommy called to say he was uploading the modified video to YouTube. It would be available within the hour. He called back later that night to say he encountered the same problem as he had before. Uploading the video to Facebook caused the same fuzziness to the visual aspect and the out-of-sync problem with the audio. He said he would have to contact Facebook to see what was happening. Very frustrating. 

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Musings:

   Judy and I debate whether people can change or if they are fixed. When I talked about my agitation, she said, "See. You can't change." What a horrible thought.  

 

 

Can people change, or are they just what they are? It is a hotly debated topic, but not one versus the other. 

 

It's so complex I don't know where to start. 

1) Reasons to change: 

            a. For the sake of others

            b. For our own sake. 

2. Variables:    

            a. Degree of woundedness

            b. Degree of indoctrination

            c. Degree of willingness to consider changing, if change is possible or if change is beneficial to self or others, to let go of what is for what might me.

            d. Degree of skill in self-modulation (meditation, self-knowledge, self-discipline)

            e. Degree of willingness to seek help/knowledge/advice of others. 

       We always change in response to the world around us. Is there a genetic component? I'm sure. Stone has its nature; the artist has to consider it as they create the shape they have in mind. You can't ignore that 'what is.' Each of us has elements like the sculpture's stone; they are fixed. But that doesn't mean that stone can't be shaped around those fixed aspects. Our 'native cultures' shape us. If we are born in one culture, we form one way; in another, we form differently. We are not simply what nature has dictated. 

    We interact with friends and family within our culture, and our personalities form in those relationships. We all wind up with some good points and some bad. We have to decide how to adapt our personalities to our social surroundings. 

     I deeply believe that people can change and that it is to our benefit to consider change not only in response to radical differences in our circumstances, requiring adaptation that all animals have to make in response to environmental changes. We need to change to become better people for ourselves and others.

     As a woman in the 21st century, I had a free choice of who I would choose to relate to once I turned 18.   I could choose to whom I would adapt myself. Each friend illuminated other possibilities. Mike was the only person with whom my heart fully rested. 

     I never thought he was perfect- far from it. But I did think he was good enough. I remember when I first accepted him as my life partner, thinking, "I can live with what he is for the rest of my life without expecting him to change." I remember where I was standing in the commune when I had that thought. It wound up not being entirely true. His arrogance had to go. But he had wonderful features: he mainly saw me as I needed to be seen and liked for what I valued in myself.   I think neither of us changed our minds about certain essential characteristics in each other. We both appreciated those essential things to the end. A base like that buys a lot of tolerance. In other words, we have to choose our friends and partners wisely. I think we choose people for the worst in them as well as the best. We know exactly what we're buying into. We can only hope that our psyches are sufficiently healed that we're not buying into a destructive package—a more abusive relationship than a supportive one.

          Many years ago, I coined the term-complimentary neuroses. The concept isn't mine. Psychologists say we choose to partner with someone who most resembles the parent we have unresolved differences with. I don't know if that is always true. I know that I was first attracted to men that were like my mother. God forbid. I knew I didn't want to be there. Mike resembled my father in several important ways. I recognized that from the beginning. I could build a healthy relationship with someone who resembled my father- not perfect. I was attracted to him for his 'positive' qualities as well as his 'negative' ones. Once bonded, the relationship nourishes both parties, or it starves them. No, it can't be that simple. It's probably on a continuum. There's a mix of positive and negative features. Then, there are always the four horsemen of marriage. Whatever the mix, we change in the relationship. It's inevitable. 

        It is such a complicated subject. Judy argues that we are what we are. I have been working on changing certain aspects of myself since my teens. I've gotten better, but I have not wholly licked the problem. Judy says, "See, you can't change." I argue I have already changed substantially. I see moments when I don't respond in my usual knee-jerk response and when I feel that way but don't act it out. She says you're 80; it's over. I say no, it's not- not till I'm dead.  

    The thought comes up why bother? Good point. Because I don't like it in myself, It's a result of my PSTD. Mine isn't from one incident; mine is from 20 shocks a day for my whole childhood. Mike said it was as if I had been tortured. I still believe I can be healed. I believe everyone can. Perfectly? Not the goal. Just more so. 

      I can't imagine this all makes very much sense. I found someone who thought I was good enough as is and then served as a foil for my change. I worked to become someone who could address his needs better- while preserving my boundaries. Always keeping in mind that the goal was addressing my own needs through change. 

     I think people who consider change think it requires self-hatred and shame. There are moments when those two rear their ugly heads. Those feelings serve a function; they are our smoke alarms, telling us that action is called for. Once we have acknowledged their signal, we can silence them. "Thanks. I can take over from here." 

         How do we proceed while being loving and accepting of ourselves? Self-hatred and shame impede change. It can be unbearable to consider our limitations. However, if we can't consider them, we can't change. We're back to the lessons of the Buddha, awareness, and equanimity. I think Christianity teaches it through the unconditional love of Christ. By seeing ourselves through his eyes, we can learn to love ourselves enough to have a chance to really change.

      I know I'm rambling. It's the best I can do.