Mike's death; Betty's life...

Tuesday, January 6, 2026

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Today at yoga, I got my back flat on the ground with my knees bent. What's the big deal? It's a huge deal. It's probably the first time in my life I've managed that. It involves pulling my right psoas and abdominal muscles over to the left. Now that's what I'm going to have to work on.

My friend Katherine texted about her daughter Clarissa. Clarissa is a young woman with a preschool child who has thyroid cancer. Today she had her tumor removed at Sloan Kettering in NYC. Katherine asked for my prayers. I committed the next hour to sending healing energy. After that, I did it every half hour.

Katherine and I are both trained healers, originally in Reiki and then in Mariel, an offshoot of Reiki. I remained on my mat in the driveway for the first hour under the Hawaiian skies. It was a struggle drawing the lines on Clarissa, particularly around her throat. Each time I did it, it became somewhat easier. After the first hour, I went inside the house. When I went to draw the lines the next time, I experienced something new. Fear. Understandable. Who wouldn't be scared to have your throat cut open? I do presurgical visualizations. I have the person's conscious mind tell their unconscious mind what is about to happen. The unconscious mind knows nothing of surgical procedures. It only knows about protecting the life of the person. I have the person tell their unconscious mind that the scalpel is not an animal claw. It is in the hands of someone who does not intend harm but instead intends healing. The person wielding the scalpel will remove something harmful. The cuts will be exact. It is also essential for the conscious mind to tell the unconscious that it has given permission for this procedure. It is how a parent assures a child of the positive intent of a doctor.

The theory is the unconscious mind only receives information about the outside world directly through the senses and the conscious mind. (It's a little more complex than that.) The conscious mind is the unconscious mind's access to the outside world not directly available through the senses. Also, just because the conscious mind knows something does not mean the unconscious mind also knows it. There has to be a deliberate effort made on the part of the conscious mind to communicate with the unconscious. The various parts of our mind don't just know what the other parts think or know just because they've been together forever.

Jean, my hanai sister, called to say hello. Jean is Mike's first wife and one of my closest friends. We are a source of comfort for each other. I can call Jean when I'm down and tell her to say, "I love you." It is soothing to hear those kind words, to know there is someone who will say them to me whether they're in the mood or not. Mike and I gave that to each other.

I continued working on the prewriting activity with sixth grade D. Today it came out that he is not body surfing but boogie boarding. Also, he has to watch out for his six-year-old brother because he is not a good swimmer. What???!!!

In my experience, whether body surfing or boogie boarding, I'm out in the water above my head. In Hawaii, it is perfectly possible to see very young children next to me waiting for a wave. D explained they go to a beach with a large shallow area before the drop-off. I've seen a beach like that. I have to walk the length of a football field before the water gets above my knees. We will have to go back and modify what we've written already to include all this information.

At one point, D said he had no words to describe his experiences. I told him to throw out any words as they came to mind. He cooperated with single words and phrases. He is wonderfully verbal.

Then we spent ten minutes working on word recognition skills. I switched D to third-grade level material. It contains more multi-syllable words.

Later in the morning, the Provision solar tech arrived just as I went for one of my short walks. He took me over to the equipment and showed me a steady blue light with a green light blinking occasionally. He said that light should always be green. If it's not, there's a problem. He called Tesla to get information. I had to go out for an appointment. When I got back, he was gone. I have no idea what the conclusion was.

I had an appointment with my physical therapist at 11:15. I was surprised when I saw it. I thought the appointment was for Friday. When I got there, Jerrica told me it was for Friday. I went back home.

I had a problem with my tablet. I like using it for my Zoom sessions because it has a touch screen which my Apple doesn't. The other day I dropped it, and the keyboard separated from the screen. I put them back together but still couldn't access the keyboard. I tried turning the computer off. That made things even worse. I had already contacted Tommy, my tech guy, telling him I needed help. As I set up for dinner that evening, I gave the tablet a little shove. I heard a click. When I opened that tablet, all was well. I hadn't fully reconnected the keyboard and the screen. I texted Tommy to tell him it was okay.

Monday, August 30, 2021

It was 680 at 2 am, according to Vince, one of my neighbors who walks early in the morning as I do. It was 670 the other day. This is winter weather. I had to get up and close the bedroom sliding door to hold in whatever heat Elsa and I generated. I can hear you saying, “Boohoo! You poor people!” We’re not complaining. Remember, we have no heating or cooling here. We are at the ‘mercy’ of the weather, summer, winter, spring, and fall. While the weather is delightful, it is also scary. This is our warmest time of the year, August through mid-October. Whereas the rest of the world is experiencing warmer, hotter temperatures, we have cooler and wetter weather than usual. It’s all part of climate change.

Vince and Julie, a couple I run into daily on my early morning walk, have told me they don’t have enough hot water to take a decent shower. I have a solar-powered hot water tank. Ours is also connected to the grid. When the temperature is below a certain temp at 4 am, the grid kicks in and heats that water. It sounded like their system wasn’t connected. Today I found out that it is. It’s just they have to set the timer to have the grid kick in. I was shocked. I told them how to do it. They said no. I told them to have their son do it. Also no. Okay, it’s cold-water showers for those two.

I got more weeding done. I sprayed eight bottles of vinegar. I needed to get it done before it clouded over and started raining.

At 8:30 am, I had a session with sixth-grade D. We continued with the prewriting exercise. We worked on the section where he was getting ready to launch himself and catch a wave.

I left 10 minutes at the end to do some decoding work. We completed a sentence at the second-grade level and then switched to the third-grade level. I didn’t hear D read, but he reports improvement. That’s good enough for me for now.

At 11 am, I had my reading support office hours. I had one Step Up Tutoring volunteer. She was open to my offering. My method is very easy to learn; it just takes courage to experiment and make errors – in front of a student.

Because my friend Carol Zim encouraged me to, I texted my Kaiser primary doctor to tell her that I was ordering ivermectin. I had been thinking of taking it preventively but decided against it. The medication is designed to kill something- worms. But who knows what it will do to my biome? I will take Vit C and Zinc, which is part of the protocol. Today, I heard a talk about ivermectin on the radio. It’s all the rage now. I got in just in time to be part of the crowd.

The other day, I hit a button on my Tesla app for my power walls, switching it from self-powered to backup-only. As a result, all the electricity went to the power wall and the grid. None went to power the house. I called Provision Solar to tell them something was wrong. Their receptionist didn’t know about the problem and filled out a ‘ticket.” That evening, I figured out I could contact Tesla customer support. It was an easy fix, although the young man in customer service didn’t have much tolerance for my lack of technological know-how.

Today, the serviceman from Provision called. I told him all was good. He said there was a problem. All the solar panels from Provision were not working because the transformer wasn’t working. So glad to hear that the equipment is that fragile. It only worked for a month before it broke. I thought I was protecting us from impending disaster. Guess not. The system is sensitive and needs attention. Scott’s solar system is good. Small simple. For now, it was a good thing I made that mistake on the app. It made the tech guy check my system and see the problem.

When I made one of my short walks during the day, I found a lime sitting beneath Darby’s mailbox. She leaves them there for me. So sweet.

Damon called. We usually have a nice long, satisfying talk. Today, I had to be on Zoom at 4 pm. Damon told me how August was doing at school. He just started college. He had been excited about his roommate. He was the brother of one of his father’s best friends from college daughter’s best friends. August is social. His roommate was profoundly introverted. He may even be on the spectrum. All he wants to do work on his computer. His computer skills are in the stratosphere; he will be producing the next big Internet site. Damon’s friend said when he does develop his idea, invest. But this left August without a satisfying social connection.

August sat in his room for a day. That was enough. He went out on his own. He found a group to connect to. They all signed up for a group text. August said for some reason, he wound up being the contact man. People would text him asking if they could join them. By day four, Damon received a picture of August with twelve other people. Damon was thrilled. He had been worried about August’s social skills.

I reminded him of his first days at Vassar. He had a roommate he didn’t connect with. It took him longer than four days to find his people. He is still friends with those guys, Mike, Eddie, and Judd. August should be just fine.

I had to laugh. One of Damon’s concerns over this last year was that August missed out on developing his social skills. I pointed out that his cohort was all in the same boat. And, when his father and I Ieft high school, we had no social skills to speak of. We did just fine, with the help of some therapy.

I’ve been watching documentaries on entertainment figures. First, I watched Inventing David Geffen, and now I’m watching a document on Bob Dylan. God, he is an odd one. Given the fame that fell on Dylan, his introversion and refusal to cooperate with the attention probably paid off.

Sunday, August 29, 2021

I finally started spraying the weeds with vinegar. I see them every day; they accused me of neglect. I made sure I got it done early in the morning. It clouds over by 11 each day, followed by some form of rain, from a light sprinkle to a torrential downpour.

As I napped, I experienced pain in my left leg and right foot. Then my left foot started to complain. The left leg discomfort was old and familiar. The connection to the problems I had been having with my right foot was interesting. I interpreted all this as a positive sign; something new was happening. Change is good, well, sometimes.

I tried to record the last slide for my reading method video. I made one that I thought I would be pleased with but never showed up in Zoom. I must not have pressed record. I did it again late in the afternoon. But didn't dare to view it to make sure it was okay.

Adolescent D hadn't signed in by 3:01. In his case, I always called because there is a good chance he'd forgotten. He signed in while I was calling. His voice was unclear. It sounds like it was vibrating. I complained about it several times. He told me he was in the car going to Home Depot. Huh? I didn't get this family. Why was he going to Home Depot when he had an appointment with me? He may not have told his mother, who was driving, that he had changed the appointment. I told him to call me when he got home.

My phone didn't always ping when I got a text; it didn't always ring when I got a call. I should get this checked. I was putting off doing something else, waiting for adolescent D to let me know he was home. I was about to call and ask for a specific time so that I could organize my day. I found four texts from him asking me to send him a new link. I called him and sent one immediately.

I reviewed her and here with him. Here was the first word he encountered, and he read it as her. I went back to articulating the difference between the two words. He varied the descriptive words but always accurately described the difference. I don't know if varying the words was beneficial or created more confusion.

I asked him if he wanted to work on his perfectionism. He said yes. At least he knew this was a disaster. I can't think of a situation where perfectionism doesn't lead to unhappiness. Pursuing perfection can be a worthy goal, but it has to be accompanied by the acceptance that achieving it is impossible. It's a paradox.

I couldn't think of a direction to move it. I knew things I could do or get D to do, but I always listen to my 'inner voice'. I do not know the source of it, but so far, it has served me well. D is very passive and vague. When I asked him if he wanted to do something, he would give me a vague noncommittal response, "I suppose so." I wouldn't tolerate that anymore. He had to develop the ability to set his own goals and his boundaries. At one point, I told him I wouldn't going to break through his barriers to 'cure' him. I don't know if that ever works, but I do know I don't want to operate that way.

I drew a circle and put his 'wound' in the middle. I explained to him that I don't believe in the value of targeting that core point. I believe feelings can kill you. Either way, I wouldn't do it. I think we all construct our psyches with layers of defense. If we want to get through those layers, we must find the outermost layer, resolve that, and move in progressively, one layer at a time. I drew some concentric circles around the core spot. My intuition said I hadn't drawn enough circles to represent D's layers of defense. I stopped at layer twelve or thirteen. Wow! That he was defended wasn't a surprise, that he was that defended did. This is a child who will not allow me to see his face on Zoom. He is very protected.

After meditating on those layers for a while, I got it. I saw 'it," what D's defenses were about. I got something that felt right and true for me; I couldn't be positive that I was correct. I saw that he gave no information about himself to anyone; therefore, no one knew/knows who he was. People can walk right through him. I 'saw' that he sees this world as a very dangerous place. I assured him it was as if he didn't define his boundaries. If he pretended to have no needs and be invisible, people wouldn't know where to stop. They would move through him as if he were a ghost; he would be without substance. If he behaved that way, the world would be dangerous, very dangerous. I asked him if he knew his own needs and wants. He said no. I told him that was step one; he had to identify his needs and wants for himself. Did he want to do a particular activity? Did he want to be sitting on the other side of the room? Did he like what he was eating? Anything, anything. How could he expect anyone else to know who he was if he didn't know? Let's see where this goes.

I know other people who operate this way. Hate it in them. I can work with such a person in healing, but I can't have them in my private life. In open-ended social situations, my openness and friendliness scare the hell out of those people, and their behavior scares the hell out of me. I feel like I'm in free fall. It's horrible.

In the healing context, I can do okay with them. They, their needs, are the sole focus of our contact. There is nothing mutual about it. It's all about their boundaries. I ask them if it's okay to proceed every few minutes. On a rate of one to ten, how do you feel about this activity? In this context, I check for their boundaries every minute. I have boundaries, but they're not personal. My boundaries are all about what I will tolerate in the healer role. There are things I won't tolerate. Clients can refuse to do something I suggest, and I can refuse to allow clients to do things I think will not be helpful or downright counterproductive. This system works well for me. I feel it protects me from doing harm.

The other night, I went to bake some spring rolls in the toaster oven and found the baking pan missing. There were only three places it could be, in the toaster oven, in the sink, or the dishwasher/ drying rack. It wasn't in any of those places. I could only imagine that Yvette had come up to borrow it and hadn't told me. However, that seemed highly unlikely on both counts, that she would borrow it and that she wouldn't tell me. It was a disturbing event.

Today I finally remember a fourth location, however unlikely it might be- in the oven. I have used it once since Mike's death. I baked a frozen eggplant Parmesan. It had to be 6 inches from the heating element. The toaster oven wasn't large enough, so I used the regular oven. There was the baking pan. Ah!

Saturday, August 28, 2021

The morning hours were tough. I have a family member who thinks I'm a terrible person. How do I know? She's said so. Every once in a while, the bandage on that wound is ripped off again. I have to give myself time to recover each time and wonder if I wouldn't be better off cutting off the relationship altogether. Who wants to be around someone who vilifies you?

I shared my grief with Judy yesterday. That helped a little. Today I called Jean, Mike's ex, and my hanai sister. I can call her and say, "I need you to say "I love you." She does that well, and it helps. She listened to my story and assured me she didn't see me as the other person did. When I walked, I ran into my friend Darby. I just told her I was distressed and in pain. She offered sympathy. Then my friend Jean M called. We shared horror stories. She listened and comforted me. By the end of the day, while I wasn't 100%, I felt better. Note: none of these friends felt a need to vilify the person who hurt me. I wouldn't have friends like that. I want people who see the other person's point of view as well as mine. I'm interested in reconciliation as well as feeling good about myself.

Mike saw me that way. He saw me as someone who would take care of myself and be concerned about his needs and wants. He never changed his mind about me through forty-five years of shared life. He often referred to me as St. Betty. While I was flattered, on the one hand, it was just funny. I always had my interests at heart. The only thing I ever did for Mike where I sacrificed my interests and comfort was when we traveled to tour other places. I don't like to travel, and I hate touring. Traveling with him in Ireland, across Europe, and even in the USA were as close as I came to the pure sacrifice of my interests and wellbeing.

While other things I did seemed greater, leaving the life I had to make a new life for him possible didn't qualify as a sacrifice on the order of traveling and touring. Those were hard decisions, the moving more than sending him back to school for a second Ph.D., but I felt there was a benefit in it for me too. It would be best for him, for me, and our marriage. My instincts were good.

I was supposed to meet with adolescent D today at 10:30, but that changed to 3 pm. Then later in the day, he texted me to ask me to meet with him on Sunday at 3 pm. Working from home and through Zoom allows for that flexibility.

Friday, August 27, 2021

Wedding day: It was scheduled for 2 pm EST, 8 am Hawaiian time, and 8 pm in Europe, where Marliese’s family lives. I tried to sign in before 8 am on the tablet. The link didn’t work. I called Dorothy. While she looked for someone who might help, I tried the link on my Apple computer. Ah, it went through.

Marliese looked lovely; David looked uncomfortable in his suit. It took quite a while before the ceremony started. The bride and groom had to sign papers. In the meantime, I took in the setup. They made the chuppah of tree limbs and branches found in the surrounding woods with a Jewish prayer shawl draped over the top.-a very simple design, probably what the original chuppahs looked like.

The ceremony was simple and lovely. David and Marliese had prepared speeches describing what they enjoyed about each other. There were more than ten people there. Friends of David’s and Marliese’s came. Two of her friends played cello music. Marliese is a cello player. David and Marliese play music together, her on the cello and him on the recorder.

The only down note was the photographer, who made herself the most visible person on the Zoom video. I think a photographer would know to dress like a kabuki set mover, all in black with every inch of skin covered. Not this lady. She wore a brightly colored jumpsuit with shorts that came up to her mid-thigh with plenty of skin showing. Then she stood in front of the camera while she waited for a good shot. I was screaming at the computer screen. I was on mute.

After the ceremony, the wedding party moved inside for refreshments. After a while, there were some speeches. First was Marliese’s six-year-old nephew, a gorgeous little boy. He read a prepared speech in Dutch. Karin, David’s sister, spoke next. I learned things about David I hadn’t known. It was good to have someone speak who knew and loved David as much as his sister did. Marliese’s father spoke next. He said he spoke for all of Marliese’s family spread out over Europe, Holland, Italy, Germany, and at least two other countries. He spoke in English, and I learned more about her as I had from David’s speech about her earlier.

The Zoom wedding inspired me to work on recording my video on my reading method, or practice recording it. I need to have the computer sitting on something if the camera is to take in my whole image instead of from my forehead up.

Someone said they see me as the type who wants others to like everything about me. Huh? I had a successful forty-five-year marriage. That would have been impossible if that had been my expectation. No, Mike didn’t like everything about me, and I didn’t like everything about him. Some of the traits we accepted with minor irritation, and others we openly complained about.

But there were things we did have. First, we were committed to greet each other joyfully at all times. There were a few failures at that too. This did not mean that we felt that way. One afternoon early in our relationship, I was in a loving mood, and I told Mike I was full of love. It was the type of full joy you feel when you smile in delight at a baby. He didn’t push me away, but he apologized and said he didn’t feel that way. I said, “That’s okay. Just tell me you love me.” He said, “I love you,” in a flat tone. I said, “No, no. Say it like you mean it.” He said, “IIII looovvve you!” Yes!!!! That did it. I don’t know if that was the change moment of our lives, but we always greeted each other joyfully for the rest of our days. When we didn’t feel it, we faked it until we made it.

None of that means that we didn’t have differences, things about each other we didn’t like. What we did share was a pleasure in giving and receiving love. Mike didn’t rebuff my affection that day. He just said he wasn’t in the same place. He didn’t feel guilty because I was a ‘better person’ or hate me for making him feel less than. We were just enough for each other. We made each other feel valued and glad the other was there.

We once had a friend in our kitchen as we milled around. She said, “Sometimes I think my husband just wants me to smile at him.” Mike and I looked at each other and thought,” Duh!” This woman never smiled at people, not even her children, who she deeply loved. How do you explain the impact of simple kindness?

Thursday, August 26, 2021

I'm in waiting mode. I volunteered to mentor 12 step-up tutors in two groups of six each; Judy passed my name on to a friend on Oahu who may contact me; Mama K gave my name to someone, and I anticipated clients who 'took the summer off to come back. In addition, I have been struggling with making modifications to my video. I finally wrote a script and had been rehearsing and revising over and over.

I had to stop listening to NRP; they're overly excited about events in Afghanistan. What's going on there is tragic, but I don't see how hourly updates, if not more frequently, help anyone. I felt the way did when 9/11 occurred. I did not watch the scene repeatedly—those who did suffer from PSTD.

I know Biden and company knew the Taliban would gain control. I think they estimated it would take a month; it didn't. It can't be just the US that was surprised by the turn of events; the Taliban must have been shocked too. I heard a speaker on NPR who expressed my thoughts. It's easier to lead an uprising than to lead a country at peace. The Taliban had no plans in place to run the country. In addition, there are competing rebel factions running around. They all hate each other as much as they do the US. None of this eliminates the possibility of suicide bombers launching attacks in other countries, in the US and Europe, as we have already seen. This is total chaos. It doesn't take more than a few determined men in a small town to take control and enforce Sharia law.

I only had a tutoring session with A today. He was at his father's office. The last two sessions have been there. Before this, he was always at home on Zoom; his father must be back in the office. I wonder how long this is going to last.

I gave A a choice between the sight word list, the sight word sentences, and the 2nd-grade material. He chose the sight word sentences. He immediately ran into problems remembering the difference between her and here. When I asked A about the difference between the two words, his mind went blank. I asked him if there was spinning in the brain's visual or auditory areas. He said no on both counts. Then, I asked if his mind skipped tracks. He said yes to this. Adolescent D's mind does the same thing. I asked if he was afraid he'd give the wrong answer. He said yes to this. Ah!! I bet this is adolescent D's problem, too, particularly since he needs to be perfect.

I worked with A, releasing fear. I had him release anything bad about his hatred of his fear and keep anything positive or anything he still needed. As he did, I told him to imagine hearing someone screaming on a roller coaster ride. When I asked him if this made him feel more relaxed or tenser, he said he was more relaxed. I considered that a sign he was doing something helpful. I asked him if he liked the fear. He said no, but he was laughing. I asked him what he was laughing about. He said his older brother was making him laugh. "Hello, S," I called out. He responded. I don't know if it is helpful or hurtful that his brother is there. I would think it would make him more nervous, but his laughter seemed relaxed.

When I asked him the difference between here and here, he immediately said that here had an extra e. I had him perform the same exercise I had D do the other day. He said, "Here has an extra e; her does not have an extra e." I had him just read each instance of her or here in the sentences, describing the difference. He did that several times. Then he read a few sentences. When he came across here, he read it correctly. When I asked him how he knew, he said, "I just know." While that was not incorrect, he didn't remember or think to articulate the difference between the two words.

From what I read in Dahaene's book Consciousness and the Brain, I was more convinced that good reading is dependent on attention to detail. Not conscious attention to detail but trained heightened awareness of detail. That's what drill is about; that's what multisensory training is about; that's what Ron Del Davis's work is about when he has students spell our function words in potter's clay. That's also what my work is about. We all approach it from slightly different perspectives.

My sister sent the Zoom link for my nephew's wedding today. They put this together in a week. David and Marliese were planning to have a civil wedding, but that didn't work because of Covid. They quickly planned a backyard wedding which blew up into a full-blown ceremony. David rented a suit; Marliese bought a white dress; they built a chuppah in the backyard and arranged for a rabbi to marry them. David is Jewish; Marliese is not. David's sister, Karin, sent a large bouquet to decorate the chuppah. Dorothy thought there would only be ten people at the in-person ceremony, four of them Dorothy's friends.

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Every morning, I post a blog entry from my updates one year behind to the day. This entry will be sent to those on my email list today and to the blog on August 25, 2022. I reread each entry and ran it through Grammarly before posting it. I also checked the stats on the blog each morning. Recently, they have been low, under ten, as low as four but never zero or even one. Watch tomorrow will be the exception.

I had a session with sixth-grade D. We've been working on his verbal expression skills. He said he had trouble writing a long piece. In other words, he had trouble developing an idea. He chose to write about body surfing with his younger brother. I asked about the experience and typed as fast as I could while he talked. When I did this, he objected, saying, "No, no. Don't include that." I told him that what he was saying was pure gold. It is these details that make what he has to say interesting. I have been very impressed with his vocabulary, complex sentences, and images. I thought we would write a simpler story, a "what happened at the beach." This is almost poetry. Today, I started organizing his sentences. There was the introduction, the waiting for the wave, riding the wave, and the aftermath of completing the ride. We discovered he hadn't said anything about actually riding the wave. All his attention was on waiting for the wave.

I wrote a title and asked him his last name. He could say it but didn't know how to spell it. Huh? How is it possible that an 11-year-old boy doesn't know what to spell his last name? It's a simple six-letter Spanish name. After analyzing the sounds in words from the 2nd-grade text, which he did well, I dictated those words to him. He spelled them all correctly until we hit the word ball. He tried to spell it boll. Good try! One could read the word ball spelled that way. He remembered the correct spelling when I told him it wasn't right. I showed him the word all was buried in the word ball.

I asked him if this spelling was better, worse, or the same. He said worse. I was surprised since he told me he had trouble spelling, but he correctly spelled most of the words. Then he said he usually didn't sound out the words. That's what he did to figure out how to spell these words, and he did well. I'm not sure why he thought his spelling was worse this way. We will have to investigate.

I worked on my application to tutor for Kealakehe Intermediate school. They wanted references. My last job was in the Licking Heights Local Schools, teaching ESL six years ago. One of the principals I worked under is still there. I added a slip of paper listing my volunteering for Kealakehe Elementary school. I'm sure the teachers will give me a good reference.

At two pm, I had Mama K's crew. I called her before class. I wanted to know if she had prepared the work for K's writing activity. I asked her to write the words on a piece of primary lined paper for K to copy. She had done that. I also asked her how K was doing in school. He had trouble paying attention the year before; the teachers constantly called his name to focus his attention. She said she hadn't heard from the teachers. Is everything going well, or are they waiting a month before delivering the bad news? According to K, the teachers only call on him to answer questions; they never call him because he is not paying attention. That would be spectacular.

Many years ago, when I observed teachers in The Lewis School in Princeton, one of the teachers told me there was a relationship between handwriting and attention. We have been working on handwriting. I have seen changes in people's ability to focus simply by having them watch while I draw a random line on a piece of paper. It's amazingly effective. It's weird.

Next, I had Twin A. This was a tough session. She wasn't focused. She may have ADD, but a lot of this behavior is pure avoidance. I would use an avoidance strategy if someone forced me to perform an activity I had as much trouble learning as she did with the reading. I'd be out of there. Today, she struggled with every single word. Mind you; these are the same words she has seen over and over again. It's just at, and then fat, hat, lat, mat, nat, rat, and sat. That's all, folks. Notice: I'm not even using all the letters in the alphabet for the initial sound. I am only using the continuant sounds. Blending the stopped consonants is much more difficult.

Working with the children is more challenging because the space isn't quiet. A movie may be on in the background. Eight people are living in a small space. Also, there are a lot of street noises; they live off a main roadway leading into Hilo. Nonetheless, we have made progress.

Next, I had Twin E. She had just taken a shower after coming home from school. She did very well. The shower may have refreshed her. I wrote a few displays of three words, one of which was the word the. She had to tell me if the was number one, two, or three. She nailed them. I didn't do anything else with the sight words for today. She was already better than I anticipated.

Then we went through all the words in the -at family. With Twin E, I use all the letters in the alphabet for the initial sounds. She rocked. I could move through the -at family quickly and go through most of the -ap family. She struggled with the latter, but I could see her listen, pay attention to her senses instead of relying on her memory. Wow!

At the end of the session, Mama K asked to speak to me. A friend wants a tutor for her first-grade son. She gave her my email address.

Later that afternoon, I had adolescent D. I asked him if he wanted to continue the psychological work on his need to be perfect or reading. He said he wanted to work on his perfectionism. Mostly I talked about the human condition and how we all had to learn to accept it. I am committed to my work being "Safe, comfortable, easy, fun, and effective." I told him we were working on the effective part now. If he didn't see the point of changing his point of view, there was no point in trying to change how he felt about himself.

I believe we all worry about being different. Some make an issue of it and wave that banner proudly. Either way, it's an issue. I think we're biologically driven to conform. I don't mean completely. But children make every effort to learn what their parents know, whether it's their language or how they hold their eating utensils. When children are not 'normal' it causes distress for the parents.

In a highly structured, isolated culture, people can share many characteristics. In our contemporary culture, that's not the case. We are all aware of alternatives. Not questioning the culture we're born into requires repressive restrictions from someone, the parents, the government, the religious leader, etc. Someone has to be coming down with a hard hand.

I told D we are all different in some way. For some of us, it's like having a pimple on our nose; others have it on their rear end, well out of sight. D has a pimple on his nose. Everyone is aware that he has problems reading. And he has a younger sister who excels in everything he has trouble with—the unkindest cut of all.

At some point, I felt we had gone as far as we could for the day. I asked him what reading material he wanted to work on, the 8th-grade level material, the 2nd-grade level material, or the sight-word sentences I wrote that highlighted words he had trouble with. He chose the sight word sentences. The first set of sentences featured her versus here. He was still having trouble remembering the difference. The sentences provided drill for the words in context, yet he had difficulty. The first sentence was 'Here is her book,' and he got both words wrong. Whatever I had done so far hadn't worked; I needed a different tack.

I thought of having him say the difference between the words out loud. I asked him what the difference was. "One is longer." Wow! That gave me a world of information. He is not into details. No wonder he has difficulty with reading. I asked him to give me a more detailed answer. "There are more letters in here than there are in her." Wow! again. Attention to detail is clearly a problem. There is a world of words that have more letters than her. Finally, he said, "Here has an extra e, and her doesn't have an extra e." Are these the best words? Should we have left off the negative, "Her doesn't have the extra e?" We were experimenting. Here we are using our conscious minds to rewire our nervous system; rewire our unconscious minds.

I completed the application for the tutoring position for the Intermediate school so the school could pay me to tutor adolescent D. Matthew told me I needed to bring identification: driver's license, passport, social card, and birth certificate. All this was to prove I was a legal resident of the USA.

I have saved all my passports. Each had a picture of me at a different stage of my life. I had been wondering when the asymmetry of my eyebrows showed. I had a chance to review it. When I was younger, it was just a slight difference. Now that I'm older, that left eyebrow droops so badly it interferes with my sight. That's how I got to see Kaiser's plastic surgeon and get a Botox injection to lift that brow. By now, the Botox has worn off, and I'm due for a second shot. However, I started using the acupuncture pen on my face and skull. It has made a huge difference. I don't know if I can repair all the damage life has done to my face, but the effect has been impressive.

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

When I woke, my dizziness and nausea were gone. However, I still felt weirdly light, as if the very cells in my chest, shoulders, and arms are shifting around rather than staying in place. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. It is scary, a bit uncomfortable.

Boy, the time slips by so quickly. Of course, I'm not going anywhere- except I want to finish my videos on my reading method. What's completed is posted on YouTube. I assumed it would get some hits, but no. The only hits come from me or Tommy, my tech, as we make modifications.

I was plagued by sadness last night. I miss Mike because he consistently affirmed me. He liked me and enjoyed my company. Sadly, that can't be said about most of my family. But they don't seem to like each other either.

I had an email from one of the Step Up Tutoring Tutors asking for help. Perfect. I have plenty of time on my hands for now. They were supposed to assign me two groups of six incoming tutors to mentor. I also will get one student through the public school. In addition, several of my private students took the summer off. Let's see if their parents contact me. If not, I will advertise for additional students. Now I know I can have current clients post information about me on the Kona Moms site. I'll go with that instead of Craig's list.

I got work done on the new slide. I revised the script several times. We'll see. Doing the work clarifies my thinking; I keep on learning. It's like there's always a new twist. I want to get to the point where I share two-minute videos on something new I learned that day. I see videos like that for makeup or music sites.

I met with the tutor who contacted me asking for help on Zoom. She wasn't clear about her student's problem. From her description of her student, it sounded like she was a) reliant on memory rather than decoding skills, and b) confused about what was involved in the learning phase. Many students conclude that they are supposed to be able to glance at the word and 'know' what it is. After all, this is what they observe good readers do. In doing so, they skip the learning process and don't learn how to read.

The tutor had an accent. She came to the US from Italy when she was twenty-four. I showed her Phase I with sight words with 2nd-grade text from Barnell Loft, sentences I had already partially decoded. I led her through the work. She realized two things: the process was fun and harder than she thought it would be.

The tutor said that she would never be able to get rid of her Italian accent. I told her I knew of a method. As we worked, she could hear how she pronounced certain sounds differently from a native speaker of American English. We worked with the word California. She said she was teased for how she pronounced it. Note: she lived in California. I helped her figure out how she pronounced it differently from those around her so she could choose to change.

I was supposed to have a session with A and his mom, so she could bring out aspects of his personality I hadn't seen. She describes him as funny. I'm concerned she means he does things because of his lack of awareness of appropriate behavior, and they laugh at him. We laugh in delight at a three-year-old's behavior. That same behavior in an older child with the same lack of awareness is considered completely inappropriate. We'll see. I'm still concerned A has some serious problems.

In today's session, we continued analyzing the phonemic structure of every word on the sight word list. I observed him listening and hearing those sounds. I had him work with the grade two material. This is still a jump for him. At the end of second grade, he finally tested as a beginning first-grade level. His parents were thrilled.

. I lay down for a nap after that last session. Elsa started barking like mad, and then I heard a female voice in my driveway. I thought it might be Judy, but it was Mei, my next-door neighbor. She brought over a bowl of homemade Chinese dumplings. OMG! Were they ever good!

Later in the afternoon, Matthew, head of the special education department at the local public intermediate school, came by to drop off an application form. He had asked me to work for the school tutoring adolescent D. That meant the school would pick up the tab for the hours I worked with him.

Matthew is thrilled to have me onboard. He said they needed nine special ed teachers for the school. They had seven, and then two quit. He also knew I had more training and experience than any of the teachers on his staff. He says he was interested in learning what I do since I was successful.

My Bose radio was just fine today. I realized I had only switched between two NPR stations; I hadn't tried a station that would have been operating on a completely different system. There must have been something wrong with their transformers. This often happens; a good wind or earthquake gets something out of whack.

When I stood up after sitting for a long time, I noticed that my hip got into gear more quickly than it had in the past. Something about the changes I'm making in my movements and alignment is making things better.

Monday, August 23, 2021

As I woke this morning, I thought of the video. That terrible feeling came over me. I didn’t know what the emotion was, but it was as if an electric current was running through my chest, shoulders, and arms. It feels as if every cell is jumping up and down. It’s not a great feeling. I figured out a pathway to resolving this issue with the video. I had to go over each slide and note the points I made. I could reorganize the order of the slides and remake some of them so they show a progression and don’t repeat the same information. When I got up and moved, the weird sensations stopped.

I had sixth grade D this morning at 8:30. The difference in his reading from when we started is stunning. My method works; it’s still a disconcerting process; expectations are overthrown. I started the session by telling him what I knew about occurrences of the diphthongs, ah, aw, ay, etc. After teaching him that aw always made one sound yesterday, we promptly ran into the word away. I realized that even if he had divided the word as aw/ay instead of a/way and pronounced the word with the /aw/ sound, he could have figured the word out. Second, the letter combination aw is more frequently a digraph than two distinct sounds and usually occurs at the end of a word or in the middle, not in the beginning. Statistics again- vital for reading English. Then he read the text and knocked it out of the park.

I saved the last ten minutes for working on his writing. He had generated an idea about his six-year-old brother and him body surfing. I thought it was quite a challenge to describe this. I tried to think of how to write this myself. I resolved to have him think of a sensory image and put that into words. He talked about waiting for the waves. He dictated the following with little to no input from me. I typed as fast as I could. This is without editing.

The ones we pass are just little lumps in the water. They’re barely starting to form. At the beach, I’m thinking about right now rough waves and most likely there’s a decent-sized wave but they form at different points in the water.

At the moment, me and my brother we were waiting at the calm waves break-line, waiting for the not too big and not too small wave so we could look for an incoming wave. When we saw a good wave, we would get in position so that we could get ready to pull up as soon as the wave started to barrel.

At one point, he said something and told me not to write it yet. I told him this is what I should be writing. He could take out what he liked when he edited. First, get your ideas down. Just throw out everything that comes to mind. He did much better than I thought he was going to do. I looked forward to seeing what he would produce.

Over the weekend, I wrote to sixth-grade D’s mom to cancel next Friday because my nephew David is getting married. She told me D, and I wouldn’t be meeting on Fridays anymore. She has another activity scheduled for her children for that day.

At 11 am I had my reading office hours. I had only one person requesting assistance. She was assigned to a fourth-grade girl from an immigrant family. Her mother said she had problems with reading. I said, given her grade, her problems were probably with word recognition rather than comprehension. Not that she didn’t also have problems with comprehension. I showed her Phase I with the Phonics Discovery System. I told her it was easy to learn but took nerve. She said she was a good candidate. I assured her she would make mistakes; I still made mistakes. She was good with that. She understood the value of modeling making errors and coping with it for students. Teachers must model the learning process, which requires making mistakes and learning from them.

I texted my friend in LA with an alternative to selling his current house to this tech who sold his company to Facebook for $30,000,000. Since the guy was only planning to use the house a few months out of the year, rent it to him. However, charge him enough to cover two months of mortgage plus payments and the rent for a beach house while he’s here. Sounds like a win-win to me.

I had adolescent D. at 4:30 pm. I always ask him about his day, particularly any reading he did in school. He attended a summer program. They gifted him ten books. I asked him if any of them interested him. He said no. I can’t blame him. He’s fourteen and should be starting high school; the books are on third- and fourth-grade levels. If they were non-fiction, that would be one thing, but their fiction. They’re about nine-year-old children.

I’ve been pushing him to tell me something he might be interested in reading, like the driver’s manual in preparation for the written driver’s test. “I don’t know.” He’s good with the weak water answers. Nothing is quite right. I was shocked when he declared that he saw his reading was better.

D is a perfectionist. He’s angry at himself. I asked him if he thought he was a bad person. He said yes. Had he harmed anyone? He said maybe his sister. I spent the rest of the session informing him of the human condition. A) no one gets away without making mistakes. B) no one gets away without being angry at someone, C) and no one gets away without hurting people. We have to learn to live with our limitations and forgive ourselves. If we don’t, we either take it out on ourselves or blame others for our problems.

I asked him if he wanted to change his perfectionist bent. He said yes. I asked how much on a rate of 1-10. He said 100. He fell asleep at the end of our session. Certainly not his fault- or not the fault of his conscious mind. I’m not sure of the meaning of his checking out. Either way, it’s too much for his conscious mind to deal with. Is his mind saying, “Get out of here!” or is it saying, “I need to process this information in a deep way?” Either way, this boy has opened himself up. I feel honored that he trusts me enough to consider letting me help him change. Now to find a way to do it that is helpful. “Lord, let me do no harm!”

My Bose radio, which I listen to almost continuously, started making these weird gurgling noises. I changed the station. It still had that effect. Different channels use different transmission towers. If there is a disturbance, it usually disappears when I change channels. I’ve had this radio for years. I was still surprised that the Bose failed.

I was tired after my before-dinner walk, and I suddenly felt dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I lay down for a while. My stomach was sufficiently upset that the thought of chocolate left me feeling worse instead of better. I spent the evening binging on YouTube videos, particularly several about Martha Graham, waiting for my appetite to return. I didn’t. I finally went to bed, hoping I would feel better in the morning. I wondered if I had a more serious problem than a simple vertigo attack with an upset stomach. When I was young, I had pregnancy scares. Now that I’m old, I worry about signs of the end of life. Note: I was a virgin when I had my first pregnancy scare. What can I tell you? I had a vivid imagination.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Where yesterday I felt low and empty, feeling my reading method couldn't be effective, I woke up angry today. There are always old, unresolved issues to dwell on. I have no idea how this can benefit me. It only makes me sad that I have family members I am in conflict with or indifferent to me. Revisions to my will triggered this feeling. There is one relative I deleted altogether. While I continue to feel some obligation to all of the next generation, whether they feel any to me or not, someone who explicitly says she wants nothing to do with me is a little too much for me.

I finally realized that the problem with the new slide for the video on my reading method is that it didn't fit in well with the others in the completed video. I have to review each slide of the already completed video and note what I covered to see what changes I must make to fit this one. I think the new information will make my presentation clearer. I'd been avoiding making it clear. At some level, I realize it is a big departure from conventional methods of teaching reading, and I'm scared. What can I tell you? I'm a lily-livered coward.

I heard Laura Basha talk on New Dimensions today. What struck me as most significant was her thoughts on 'asking' people what they think instead of making assumptions. She told the story of working with an obsessive schizophrenic, worried someone would jump out and attack her. Basha affirmed her thought and said it was possible. The moment she did, the other woman quieted down. This woman was considered hopelessly impaired. With Basha's help, she was able to become independent. This is the power of listening and respecting another's point of view.

I think I do this with the people I work with- easy peasy. However, when it comes to people I am personally involved with who frighten me- forget it. I understand that they are coming from their place of fear, but I cannot control my own. That cognitive empathy crap goes only so far. Yes, it helps, but if someone's behavior scares me, I am scared. Wounded animals are dangerous. That's the truth throughout the animal kingdom. It is no different in the human realm. In addition, you have people who were once victims who still see themselves as victims. They are the most dangerous. I was once a victim. While I don't see myself as a victim, I feel a victim's fear. How do I heal that one? I've been struggling with that all my adult life.

In my last evening walk, I ran into Olga walking Jack and asked her what she knew about the storm. She pointed to overhead clouds and said it was coming from the north. The wind was blowing stronger than I had seen it in a long time. My bedroom slammed shut. I set the Powerwall reserve for 10%, so we had power if the grid went down.

I talked to a friend in LA who had a weird experience. He and his family live in a high-end area of LA. They have the cheapest house on their block. While the folks across the street with a view of Griffith's park, he has a view of downtown LA.

Recently, their next-door neighbors sold their house to a young couple with a baby. He and his wife wondered how the young couple could afford this house. Then a note arrived in their mailbox. While their neighbors considered them delightful folks, they wanted to know if they would be interested in selling their house to a close friend for 1 million over the asking price. Huh? They checked everything out. It's all legit. The guy who wants to buy it just sold his company to Facebook for $30 million. The extra million wouldn't be chump change, but close. He and his wife were willing to consider the proposition and checked out real estate in their neighborhood. They wanted a house they liked with a pool and a view, as they had now. They couldn't find anything for under 4 million in today's market. The guy offered them 5 million to sell them their house.

His wife posed the question to the universe and waited for a sign. He was on speakerphone with his mother when she called out, "Never move!" His mom knew nothing of their offer. She was saying this to everyone she spoke to because she was in the middle of clearing her house in preparation for a move. She had lived there for over 30 years, and her husband had lived in the house for 55. They are both paper hoarders, not newspaper- books and documents, many of which they have written. They spent every waking minute sorting and deciding what goes and what stays. It was an exhausting process. Mike and I didn't do much of that when we moved from Princeton to Ohio. However, we did- or maybe better, I did- when we moved from Ohio to Hawaii. I had a year to do it, and we had only lived there for 11 years. I did a thorough sorting, selling everything I could, giving away as much as possible, and only throwing away the rest.

After Mike died, I did more here. I don't want to leave this job to the kids. It's either huge or too easy. Damon would order a dumpster and be done with it all. Our poor landfill.

I watched The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, about a book club on the Isle of Guernsey during and after the Nazi occupation. It was a delightful romantic story, except for the glimpses of the Nazi brutality during the war. The male romantic lead was lovely, but . . . he was a pig farmer. At no point was there any mention of the horrible stench of pigs. I couldn't shake the thought of that reality. Otherwise, it was a lovely movie.

Saturday, August 21, 2021

I spoke to my friends, the Zims, on my morning walk. They both sent me information on ivermectin, encouraging me not to take it. I assured them I was not taking the vet-sized pills. Ivermectin is approved for removing worms from horses. Who even thought of trying it on humans for any purpose? That's got to be a story and a half. From what I've read, this drug can only be dangerous if taken in large quantities- like a horse pill.

Judy encouraged me to get on this medication. Her husband's doctor prescribed it and the accompanying protocol, including vitamins and aspirin. This doctor is very committed to this protocol and willing to prescribe it to anyone interested. (Yes, he does charge a $75 consultation fee.) I will not take the daily 325 mg of aspirin or the 250 mg twice daily of quercetin because I know both can have a negative effect.

John challenged me. I told him that taking ivermectin made me feel somewhat safer. The purpose of the vaccine is to defeat the virus; the purpose of the ivermectin protocol is to boost my immune system so I can fight it. Yes, I am vaccinated, Moderna. If I can bless myself with holy water and believe it can do some good, why not take ivermectin?

Do I believe in the placebo effect? Let's see: I'm an energy healer, and the placebo effect is the most tested medical procedure in history. The placebo effect has been tested against all other tested medications or medical procedures. While it may not prove to be as good as the AMA-approved method, there is no question it does something.

Elsa and I encountered Bella and her humans on our walk this morning. We often ran into them if I got up at six instead of 5:30. Elsa never gets to have contact with Bella because we have been warned Bella is violently aggressive, particularly for other female dogs. Someone else told me she had been abused before these folks got her. Today, the guy told me precisely how fierce Bella could be. She killed three pigs that came on their property. These are wild animals with tusks. They can be well over one hundred pounds. I don't know the size of the animals Bella killed.

Dorothy called. She sounded excited. Would I be available this coming Friday at 8 am? Well, I had an 8:30 tutoring session. Could I change it? I wondered what was going on. She once got me to view a dance concert out of Philadelphia on Zoom. That was great. I thought this might be something comparable. But no- her son David was getting married.

We had talked about this before. David and Marliese were getting married so David could accompany her to England for the year. David has German citizenship and a passport through our father, a refugee from Nazi Germany. Since Brexit, his EU citizenship has no meaning in England. A formal marriage didn't have much meaning for them. Marliese's family lives without it. They see it as an arrangement with the state, having little bearing on their relationship. They planned to have a civil ceremony in the local court. Dorothy hadn't sounded excited about it then. Why the change?

Well, there had been big changes. Having a simple civil ceremony with Covid in the air wasn't so easy to get. Now, there will be a full-on Jewish wedding in Dorothy's backyard, Rabbi, chuppah, broken glass, and ketubah. There would be about ten people at Dorothy's house, and the rest will be on Zoom. Friday, they will get married; Sunday, they will leave for England.

Yvette texted me warning me that we were supposed to be hit by a storm. It's been raining daily. I guess this means wind as well.

I have been feeling blah all day. I believe it's about my confusion about my work. It's so different from the traditional way of teaching phonics. I have been using this method in some form for thirty years with success. Recently, I started using Phase I more with the kids. I usually introduce it when I start with a student. I use it for longer periods with total non-readers. But if a student has any knowledge, I tend to switch to Phase II. In Phase I, you know the word and figure out the individual sounds of the word and the letters that represent them. It works. The problem is that you uncover all the inconsistencies in the relationship between English pronunciation and spelling.

Traditional phonics instruction only teaches consistent relationships; exceptions are taught as 'sight words' to be memorized. My method requires hearing all sounds as they are. Some of these relationships will be 'regular,' and some will not. This method requires the teacher to deal with the unexpected. I have a high tolerance for confusion, uncertainty, not-knowing, and being wrong. How can I expect others to do this work if I'm feeling this distressed?

The principal works. I'm reasonably sure it's the one good readers use. For those who think it is all sight recall, neuroscientists believe that our nervous system speculates about everything we perceive. Our nervous system delivers a 'definite- this is what it is – whether a chair or a tree-to our conscious mind; our nervous system spends time arguing/discussing possibilities before it delivers its final verdict. Our nervous system plays with statical likelihoods. This is our natural state. This method makes use of that system. I believe good readers tap into the system intuitively/accidentally. There is no way someone can become a good reader- at least In English- if they don't use this system.

I recently revised my will, making some adjustments in the percentages. All very depressing. Except for Damon and Shivani, none of the children try to reach out to me. I leave them money both because these are the children in my life and because the connection is important to me. Nonetheless, their total disinterest in me is sad.

I tackled a shrub covered with a wandering vine with small red flowers, the trailing coral, which is happy to take over the island. As I pulled up the vine, I discovered there was no shrub left. Only the remaining branches of a dead plant supported the vine.

I got a text from Yvette telling me the Dog Groomer had closed his shop. I hoped he's okay. It's perfectly possible he got Covid and died.

______-_____-_____

Musings:

Do we pick our friends by how they treat all people or how they treat us? Conclusion: It's some combination.

I see myself as someone who looks for the person's character and doesn't expect them to be radically different with me than with others. Then I chose Mike as my partner. I saw him as someone who intended to be respectful of me. I didn't realize at the time that what seemed like joking behavior as he put others down wasn't. OMG! I nearly blew a gasket. It was too late to end the relationship, but I never lost faith in his intention. Truth be told, his intentions were very specific to me. He saw me as someone who deserved his respect. There were occasions when he didn't respect me, and someone convinced him he was in the wrong. When he realized his error, he sobbed- literally.

It took me years to convince him to give up his disdainful, contemptuous ways of relating to others. I called him an equal opportunity arrogator; he had contempt for everyone, regardless of race, religion, nationality, sex, or age. He changed when he converted to Catholicism, but he still had a way to go. I can remember the day I finally got through to him; there was a difference between not liking something and putting down the people who did. He would often speak of his bad ole days from the pulpit, telling people how arrogant he used to be and regretting his actions.

Through it all, I never once felt emotionally unsafe with him, despite his arrogance. I wonder now how much of that is because he was a man who reminded me of my dad. My dad had his problems, but he never put me down. I also knew he was a man who wanted to be respectful and caring of all human beings. He married my mom so she would do his dirty work; she did a spectacular job. My experience with Mike makes me wonder how much our relationships with our parents form our capacity for trust. If we had a good relationship, we expect it to be that way with others. Is that what happened in my relationship with Mike? My trust in him wasn't all based on objective experience. Or was it? Did I know at some deep level the person he wanted to be? Did he marry me precisely because he 'knew I would be the one who would help him become that person? I know I married him partly so he could help me become a better person. I think we were successful.

Thursday, August 19, 2021

As Elsa and I did our morning walk, I wondered when my driver's license was up for renewal. In Hawaii, people over 72 have to renew it every two years. As I remembered it, it was due in December of 2022. I made a mental note to check the renewal date when I got home. I was right.

As I read my entry for August 19, 2020, in preparation for posting it on the public blog, I discovered it was this time last year that I renewed my license. Yes, indeed, I had another year to go. I read that the clerk told me that I needed an official social security card. The tax return I brought in would not be accepted next time. I had entirely forgotten about it. I sat down to figure out how to get a new card.

Deb, Joe, Elise, and I were the students for this morning's driveway yoga class. Elsa brought out her favorite ball. I took it from her and tucked it into my pocket. She spent the whole class whining at my side. For the most part, she used her 'indoor voice." At one point, she upped the volume. I told her to tone it down, and she stopped. It's hard enough to explain to a child that you're doing something for their good. It might have gotten lost if I let her play with it in the driveway. Or, looking at it from her point of view, maybe not. She would always have found it.

At nine am I had an appointment with my dentist. He discovered cavities in my bottom front teeth due to my negligence. I would pop some chocolate into my mouth and nap, marinating my teeth n a sugar slurry. Those are my only remaining natural teeth. They look gross. Not only are they badly discolored, but they are also terribly crooked. I have become aware of their appearance from being on Zoom. Since you only see people's heads, you focus on all the details. I noticed how people's bottom teeth show when they talk.

Besides not liking the look of these teeth, I now know they have cavities; they are doomed. Not being optimistic about the future of our world, I opted for capping these teeth now while I have the money. Who knows where we all be in a year? I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I am making plans for both eventualities.

Since implants were an option, the doctor wanted to take these special X-rays to check the bone mass in my jaw. He had this incredible machine. I had to stand while these clamps locked my head in place while it took the pictures. I commented that it must have cost as much as a car. He said, "As much as a BMW." That's impressive.

I had sufficient bone mass. However, the process can damage the jaw when the teeth are extracted. That and the $10,000 price tag convinced me to go with caps. If I had gone with the repair to the existing teeth, it would have come to $1500. The caps are more but seem worth it since one of my concerns is appearance.

I went to Costco up the street from the dentist's office right afterward. It was just 10 am, but it was clear they had been open for a while. There were people already exiting with full carts. There must have been over 70 people lined up waiting to get in, but the line moved fast.

I was there to buy the vitamins for the ivermectin protocol and a few other things. I could only find the Vit. C. They had no Zinc, and the melatonin was in the form of a gummy bear. I passed. The check-out lines were badly backed up. Everyone had a full cart. I don't know why it was so bad today. Do the benefit checks come out twice a month?

As I exited, I noticed an item I didn't recognize in my cart. There was a four-pack of Crest Toothpaste. I use plain ordinary soap on my toothbrush. Toothpaste isn't good when you have artificial finished teeth. It scratches them. I already have enough crevices for bacteria to seek shelter in my mouth. I don't need to provide more. I went to the return desk to get my money back immediately.

I received a call from the special ed instructor from the local middle school. Adolescent D attends a private school. After attending the school for seven years, they finally realized that D was entitled to special services through the public school. His mother had him tested at the beginning of the year. He easily qualified. Matthew, the teacher, called to ask if they could hire me to tutor him. He said I would have to go through a hiring process. I told him my credentials. I believe I am the most qualified reading teacher on the Big Island, if not in all of Hawaii. Besides my education, I have taught children with problems for over 50 years. He sounded excited to meet me. He asked me if I wanted a job teaching in the school. No. I told him I was eighty and done with that. Besides not wanting to meet anyone in person because of the Covid, I like the Zoom format. I am learning to make adaptations and teach in ways I never considered. Working on Zoom allows me to do things I couldn't do in person.

I did some gardening. My back will only hold out so long. Working in spurts is good.

I met with A alone today. I had hoped to have a session with his mother. She was going to help me see A the way she saw him. I continued modeling the Phase I analytic process. When I asked him if he wanted to do the work himself, he said yes. He did very well except with the th digraph. He may be performing from memory rather than using sensory data. However, he was able to identify the sounds in of and was correctly. He had to pay attention to the sounds to do that. Or maybe not. It is possible he memorized what I modeled. He hadn't memorized the th in the initial or the final position or the /z/ sound for the final s in was. I see A as a rigid thinker who doesn't respond well when things don't go as he expects them to.

I had adolescent D today instead of yesterday. He had been home sick with a cold. While he hadn't taken the test, he insisted it wasn't Covid. I don't know how anyone can know for sure. Some insist that the tests aren't accurate either. They are mostly false positives. I know nine people who have taken the test and had negative results and only one whose results were positive.

I continued to see improvement- and setbacks or, better yet, places where he still gets stuck. He read with greater accuracy but still got stuck on want, reading it as went and imposing top-down comprehension versus bottom-up sensory perception. He only made a few errors like that, and his errors made sense. How do I help him get pattern recognition? How do I help him so he remembers the difference between her and here?

I canceled my appointment with my acupuncturist tomorrow. While I've taken extra precautions when I go to Costco (wearing a shied as well as a cloth mask), it didn't occur to me until today that working with her in a small, enclosed space isn't the best idea either. I will miss my sessions with her. She is good, very good.

A & E canceled Longmire because its primary audience was old people like me. Yep! I loved it. It had a moral basis and wasn't out to scare me. It wasn't dystopian. The characters were people who cared about being good decent people—what a novel idea.