Saturday, August 28, 2021

 Saturday, August 28, 2021

            

   The morning hours were tough. I have a family member who thinks I'm a terrible person. How do I know? She's said so. Every once in a while, the bandage on that wound is ripped off again. I have to give myself time to recover each time and wonder if I wouldn't be better off cutting off the relationship altogether. Who wants to be around someone who vilifies you?

     I shared my grief with Judy yesterday. That helped a little. Today I called Jean, Mike's ex, and my hanai sister. I can call her and say, "I need you to say "I love you." She does that well, and it helps. She listened to my story and assured me she didn't see me as the other person did. When I walked, I ran into my friend Darby. I just told her I was distressed and in pain. She offered sympathy. Then my friend Jean M called. We shared horror stories. She listened and comforted me. By the end of the day, while I wasn't 100%, I felt better. Note: none of these friends felt a need to vilify the person who hurt me. I wouldn't have friends like that. I want people who see the other person's point of view as well as mine. I'm interested in reconciliation as well as feeling good about myself.  

    Mike saw me that way. He saw me as someone who would take care of myself and be concerned about his needs and wants. He never changed his mind about me through forty-five years of shared life. He often referred to me as St. Betty. While I was flattered, on the one hand, it was just funny. I always had my interests at heart. The only thing I ever did for Mike where I sacrificed my interests and comfort was when we traveled to tour other places. I don't like to travel, and I hate touring. Traveling with him in Ireland, across Europe, and even in the USA were as close as I came to the pure sacrifice of my interests and wellbeing.

  While other things I did seemed greater, leaving the life I had to make a new life for him possible didn't qualify as a sacrifice on the order of traveling and touring. Those were hard decisions, the moving more than sending him back to school for a second Ph.D., but I felt there was a benefit in it for me too.   It would be best for him, for me, and our marriage. My instincts were good.

   I was supposed to meet with adolescent D today at 10:30, but that changed to 3 pm. Then later in the day, he texted me to ask me to meet with him on Sunday at 3 pm. Working from home and through Zoom allows for that flexibility.