I had an experience like that when I was nine. My mother started saying that she was going to give me up for adoption. Our relationship wasn't the best, but I knew with every cell of my conscious mind that there was a better chance that she'd kill me with her bare hands than give me away. Nonetheless, I felt the impact of her words. They hurt, terribly. They scared me.
After a week of these daily threats, I walked up to her and said, "Either do it or don't do it, but stop torturing me." She was actually surprised; she also never did it again. On my part, getting to the point where I could make a statement like that took a lot out of me. I had to consider that she might do it. I had to admit that my speech might result in her giving me up. I was nine. My conscious mind was pretty sharp but not strong enough to rise about the fear her threat caused. It wasn't even strong enough to realize there was no way my father would allow her to do such a thing. The trauma of that event has been so intense that it is only now I have thought about my father's role in this scenario.
I am now a few weeks away from my 79th birthday; my conscious mind is still not strong enough to completely silence my nonconscious mind's thoughts. It took me a while to figure out what was behind this leaden feeling. Once I had the dream and asked myself what was behind this sadness, what came up clearly was the loss of Mike's love. That is lost; he's not here to tell me I'm beautiful and he loves me daily, nor is he here for me to tell him that I love him so much it's silly. That's gone, regardless of the reason. It would be good if I didn't have this additional burden that plays with my mind, making me think/feel he left me because he no longer loves me. Wonder where I got that from? Let me see: could it be because whenever anyone said something nice to me, my mother assured me they only said they didn't care about me and didn't love me enough to tell me the truth. Only she was a dependable source of the truth, and that wasn't pretty.
My right hip and leg weren't too bad this morning. I managed to walk up and down our block. By the time I was ready for church, things had taken a turn for the worse. I sat through most of the mass instead of standing when called for. However, I did walk up to the altar to get the host.
The readings and the sermon were about the end of times. There were warnings about listening to false prophets. It said we would know when the end times were near because nations would be at war with nations and kingdoms with kingdoms. Everyone would be mad at everyone else. Does this sound familiar to anyone? How are we going to turn this around? I date this start of this with our attack on Iraq based on false information or the incorrect interpretation of valid information. That upset what was left of the delicate balance of nations, and all hell broke loose. How can we ever regain that balance? If it were just in the USA, that would be one thing. But I see the same all over the world. Of course, part of this violent reaction to the refugee crisis. Now, who is behind many of these crises? I'd say the USA: our treatment of Latin American going back to our Manifest Destiny policy and, more recently, our treatment of the Middle East countries. Whada mess!!!
By the time I came home from church, I was in severe pain. I lay down on my bed instead of my beloved love seat/ anti-gravity chair and slept. I generally come home from church tired. I think it reminds me too much of Mike. It pushes the missing needle up too high for me to cope.
When I got up, I felt somewhat better. I sorted some shelves in the library and packed up another box of books for shipping. I didn't use wrapping paper but crossed out the brand name on the side of the box with duct tape.
My back started bothering me big time again. I sat down and continued watching Single-Handed, an Irish TV mystery series. Walking Elsa was out. I hobbled to the edge of the driveway and said, "Please, Elsa." She had done her big business earlier today; I hoped that would be enough. If not, I am an expert on cleaning up – if my back allows.
I have jury duty starting on the 19th. It only occurred to me today that I could probably have gotten out of it based on my pain level. However, after spending a week flat on my back, I was 'cured.' I didn't expect it to come roaring back again. It was only this Monday that things were so bad that I needed help getting out of bed. That was the 11th. Reading over the information, I would have had to file an excuse by the 12th. Believe me, I wasn't thinking about much else than my back on the 11th.
I am going to see the PT on Monday. I may ask her to write an excuse that they may accept on Tuesday when I show up or not, depending on whether I can move that morning.
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Musings:
I've been running into people who sell the ideas behind the four agreements. I have trouble with a simple set of rules which can be applied to all of life. However, I know people who have benefitted from trying to live by these rules.
I've viewed these rule sets from the perspective of McAllister's book, The Master and his Emissary, about the functions performed by the two hemispheres. He dismisses simplistic statements about right and left brain function, saying that the left brain is reason and the right brain is emotion and presents research evidence. This has led me to some insights.
He says rule formation, the calcification of ideas, is a left-brain function. From his description, I'm a strong, if not overly strong, right-brain thinker. The right brain thinker sees contradictions in all reasoning, including their own. That sounds like me. Everyone's thinking has value to me.
I realize two things: Many left-brain thinkers think complex thinking is unnecessary. They accuse me of thinking too much. They accuse me of living in my head. McAllister's research shows that the right brain uses reason and logic as much if not more than the left brain since the left brain calcifies ideas into fixed rule sets. He also says that right-brain thinking is intimately connected to the limbic system, the emotional system,
I also realize that the four rules are useful for left-brain thinkers with a dysfunctional set of rules in their heads to start out with. They are a suitable replacement for the rules they are currently following.
However, no set of rules eliminates the impact of trauma. You can't argue with a vet with PTSD about what reality is. Those rules have little effect on those automatic emotional reactions. They come from somewhere else in the brain.
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