Friday, February 26, 2021

 Friday, February 26, 2021

 

            I woke up around 4:30 in an agitated state. I couldn't figure out if I was scared or angry. I couldn't figure out what was triggering this mental state. Whatever else is going on, I am reasonably convinced that the second anniversary of Mike's impending death date was having an impact. The crisis started on January 24, and he died on March 3. I suppose I will be off my pins during this period for several years before being without him becomes the new normal at a deeper level.

             

            I am doing very well without him. I have a life. I am promoting my teaching methods, tutoring, following several exercise regimes, and having regular contact with friends and family. Things could not be better- for my circumstances. What is the hardest is that I'm alone. I don't mean that I'm just without Mike; I mean I am no longer a ''we,'' am I only an ''I.' ' Mike was always part of my world, even when he wasn't present. I had to account for him, and he had to account for me, and I knew he took me into account as much as I did him. Ah! 

            I had an appointment with Dorothy's friend, Mary, in New Jersey. She's a retired first-grade teacher who Dorothy asked if she would be willing to hear my presentation. She was a great audience. Her perspective was different from Dorothy's. She asked great questions.

            I needed a nap after that. I need a lot of naps these days. I needed a lot of naps right after Mike died too. More confirmation that I'm going to another period of heavy grief. 

            My biggest concern is my impatience with my students. One of my great strengths as a teacher has been my patience. I could just observe a student and find whatever they were doing interesting, knowing that I would see where the opening for change was if I watched long enough. I find I get annoyed, angry because they don't do what I tell them to do and/or get angry because they can't do what I ask them to do.

             I had an appointment with D. at 11;30. The conference I had with the special ed team to determine if D. should be evaluated for special ed was a turning point for me. I had started a little before then when I started working on word problems. The meeting pushed me more in a new direction. I had been perseverating on working on his memory problems instead of working around them. Mrs. B., his third-grade teacher, had asked me to continue working with him, hoping I could resolve his memory issue. 

            I started working with the Barnell Loft Drawing Conclusions paragraphs I prepared for M.  Whoa! He had no skills for figuring out the meaning of the paragraph. It was about the change in chicken weight gain between ''now'' and ''many years ago. The exercise asked the student to select an appropriate response to describe the paragraph's main point. Something about feathers was one of the choices; that's the one D. picked. I asked him why. He noticed then that feathers had never been mentioned. And that snafu was just the start. He had no capacity for organizing the material in his mind, so it made sense. He is now in fourth grade; the material I was using was on a high 2nd-grade level. We have our work cut out for us.

            I went for a walk down the block and back. I have been going for short walks periodically during the day. I do it to make sure that I'm not sitting endlessly, and I complete my10,000 steps a day.

            When I got back from the walk, I took another nap. When I got up, I got to catch up on the updates and posting on the blog.