Friday, February 19, 2021

 Friday, February 19, 2021

     I woke up early but tried to go back to sleep without much success. When I called Dorothy, she could only speak briefly because she had to move her car so the snowplow could clear the parking lot. They were expecting more snow this evening.

            I had a session with Shelly today. I didn't have anything specific to work on, so I checked for the most annoying. That's always a good way in. The most annoying thing that came to mind was property negligence. Two perfectly healthy people will do nothing to maintain it. What can I say? My annoyance with D. came to mind. He is also an unmovable object. There are many immovable objects in this world; some people won't consider changing who are loud and angry, and others are just gently absent and manipulative. It is the latter that is driving me nuts. Winds up, this was connected to my dad.

            My dad NEVER got angry. My sister remembers trying to provoke him. While my dad was never angry, my mom flared at the slightest provocation, like leaving a light switch on. Everything was a threat to her. (She did suffer from PTSD.)  

            When I was twelve (that's as in a preadolescent 12-year-old), my dad told me sadomasochistic relationships between consenting adults was okay. Besides the topic being totally inappropriate, another indication that this was wrong is he had no adult he felt he could discuss this with. A safe measure for inappropriate adult behavior is when an adult uses a child because they have no available adult in their life. Those adults use children because there they feel safe. 

            At any rate, I 'knew' he was talking about his relationship with my mom. Since I experienced her as hurtful. I assumed he meant that she was the sadist and he was the masochist. (Many years later, I had an encounter with her where she revealed that she thought of herself as sadistic. She did have a touch of that in her personality.) However, with twenty-twenty hindsight, I 'know' that that relationship was a two-part invention. He fostered her sadism. He loved it in her. Among other things, she carried the burden of acting out his anger. I was furious. 

            My anger at him was frightening. Whatever he was, he was my safe harbor in that family- Stockholm syndrome. Also, if I didn't have a real relationship with him, I had nothing. 

            Shelly commented about how complex my issue is. She said most people are happy to be working on the central issue. I disagree with that. Most people feel most worked up when working on the central issue, but that's not the most effective place for healing. I want to work on something that feels safe, comfortable, easy, fun, and effective. Each of these items has to be a seven out of ten to feel relaxed enough to allow for discovery and change. If I'm too scared, I become emotionally rigid, defensive. 

            When I see a high degree of fear or rigidity in a client, I see that as a sign that we are working on a level that is still too hot to handle. It is necessary to move out from that center point, layer by layer, to find where the energy can start moving. When I got out far enough from the central issue that day, in addition to feeling differently, my stomach gurgled. That gurgling is a sure sign of relaxation. My anger at my father for his quiet, controlled pressure on all of us felt huge and 'dangerous.'

            One of the sources of my frustration is D.  I snapped at him at the end of our last session. There is a possibility that his inability to respond appropriately is neurological; it is also possible that it is psychological. He doesn't want to rouse himself because anger may flow through that open hole. I perceived his mother as a bundle of suppressed anger. From the outside, all looks calm in that household. It really looks lovely. But there is a price to pay. 

            I had a session with D today. I had a devil of a time finding third-grade multi-step word problems for him to work on. I had to sign up for something, and then it was deleted. Today, I pushed him to say the letters in each word as well as say the word. Wow! that made a difference, or maybe my meltdown on Wednesday made a difference. He caught three mistakes on his own. I was thrilled that he had stopped. He stopped because the wording was unfamiliar; he was paying attention to the meaning. The word problem required two multiplication steps and one addition. He missed the multiplication. I told him to draw the problem. Boy, he had trouble keeping the elements separate. I think this may be a saving exercise for him.

            I typed up some inference exercises for M. She is moving so quickly now, she's presenting a challenge. I have to work hard to keep up with her. Yay!  

            At 2 pm, I had a reservation for the live/online Paul Taylor Dance Concert at the Annenberg Center in Philadelphia. Dorothy turned me on to it. Those amazing dancers doing those athletic work were all masked. I surprised myself by bursting out into tears. I think I'm okay with this remarkable way we're living -and then. It was so good to see them move. It wasn't just good for me aesthetically but physically. My aged unexercised unrehearsed body can still move sympathetically with theirs. Thank God for those mirror neurons.

            I called Dorothy shortly after the performance started to discover she had forgotten. She immediately turned it on. We connected after the performance was over. We both enjoy modern dance more than ballet. Ballet is pyrotechnics, but I love how the body moves in contemporary dance. However, there are sinewy ballet dancers. They are my favorites, Wendy Whelan and Misty Copland. 

            Jean M., my friend, is making a sketch for one of my PowerPoint Slides. I need one of a woman calling her children home for dinner. Her thumbs have to be securely under her chin, and her mouth has to be wide. She misunderstood my request and did a great sketch of a woman in a state of complete panic. No, no. Not a good idea. I want a sane mom.