Thursday, February 25, 2021

 Thursday, February 25, 2021

 

            While spring was almost here, it was still pitch black as I headed out for my morning walk at 5:45 am. I have learned that it becomes light earlier at the end of the day, much more than it becomes light early in the morning. I remember Darby made a comment about that right after the winter solstice. I thought it must be a peculiarity of Hawaii, but no, Dorothy knew about it. Before this, I always thought the changes would occur equally in the morning and at night. Guess not. I couldn't imagine why it works out that way, but I am equally sure there is an explanation. 

            I had an appointment with Shelly this morning. My body has been pounding with anxiety. I worked on what I thought triggered my fear but finally realized that my fear of fear dominated. When I dealt with my feelings, I calmed down. 

            After the session, I napped until 11, when I had to get ready for my session with D. He didn't know that his mother and I had had a conference with the school. I told him his teacher said he frequently didn't hand in his assignments. D. sounded surprised. He had a math assignment. I pushed him to do it with me. His fear was palpable. This is a wonderful turn of events. It suggests he's normal. While he frequently sounded confused and unable to recall a word or a procedure, it was also clear that he knew how to do multi-digit subtraction with regrouping.

            I went down for another nap. Jean called just as I lay down. She wanted to tell me how tired she was. She had just presented a significant piece of writing she had done. She told me how at three in the morning, she had realized that she hadn't created a smooth transition from one point to the next. Oh, yes. I am well familiar with that feeling. How many times have I revised my article, the chapters in my book? Oh, boy. It makes sense as you write it, and then you set it aside and reread it and find that reading feels like bumper cars for the mind as you get jerked from one point to the next.

            Judy had called. She had her stitches out but was still experiencing quite a bit of pain. The question was should she push through when she felt it or stop because she might cause damage. She knew to err on the side of caution until she got feedback from the surgeon. She was going to have a video conference with him on Monday. 

            She had to eat lunch, and I needed another nap. We made arrangements for me to show her the PowerPoint presentation at 2 pm. Sears arrived in the middle. Two men worked while I napped. At 2, I did the Zoom presentation with Judy, but we did the auditory aspect over the phone. I have no idea how that happened. After an hour, we lost the zoom connection. That shouldn't have happened because I have a paid account. This presentation lasted about an hour. She said the presentation sounded good. 

            I had a session with E after that. He asked if we could just have a short session because he had too much work. I set the stopwatch for 15 minutes. I wondered if he had lost weight. It's been two weeks since our last session when he moved back into his body. He had reported feeling heavier. I hoped that feeling more solid and grounded would allow him to drop unnecessary weight. But he said there was no difference. Oh, well. At least he was more aware of his surroundings.

            When I asked what was annoying him, he said he had a headache. No, he did not get frequent headaches. I got that his being in his body and being more aware of his surroundings created its own form of stress- too much information. E. plays a lot of video games. I asked how he felt when he started a new one. There had to be a certain level of confusion and uncertainty. Yes. But that's different.

            Video games are contained; the possibilities are not infinite, as they are in life. You can get to know a game completely or pretty close to that. In life, getting to know, no less being in command of, everything is impossible. I mentioned how the cruelty of man to man weighed on me. I would love to have solved that problem, having set that as my goal as a child.

      Given that as a goal, I had to look back on my life and deem myself a failure. But I'm in good company; Jesus and Buddha failed too. No one has been able to solve man's conflict with his fellow man, if not everything else in his environment. 

            I gave very good advice that I should listen to myself. We each have to accept our personal limits and the limits imposed on us by the world around us. Successfully bringing peace on earth and goodwill to man seems to be out of everyone's range. Too bad.

            After talking about setting limits on what we were supposed to understand and change, E. said he felt more relaxed. I'm delighted I could bring this to him. Now, to achieve it myself.

            I thought I had a session with A at 4 and set everything up. I made sure the first five Carpenter stories were open and available for screen share and one blank document for writing a story. He decided he wanted to write a story. It was an awkward one, very disappointing after that great story he wrote last week. Then we pushed through to read it. Oh, bad idea. It was much too hard for him, and I was frustrated and angry. I may not be able to work with these kids anymore. I seemed to have lost my patience. Patience is a must. To lose my temper with them is a form of abuse. It could be hard. I don't know how many times I have told him to use cross-body blending. Yet, each time he got jammed up, I had to push him to use it. It was not that he's unwilling or uncooperative; he really doesn't remember. He resorted to some default program that didn't work but was familiar. It drives me nuts.  

            Today he had to blend p+ar. He pronounced each segment, then he blended it as rap. I asked him what I had told him to do when he blended. He literally had no idea what I was talking about. I went back to wondering how much of his problem was cognitive, intellectual impairment and how much was just auditory processing damage that left him grasping at straws like a drowning man.  

            Julia, the tech from Step-Up Tutoring, had emailed me to see if she could get information about the presentation and my background to advertise it. I asked her to call me. She was good with it; we talked for about an hour. I blew my horn about all the different teaching strategies I had developed. I had indeed put off presenting my ideas forever. It was a little late in the game. Who was going to listen to an 80-year-old woman slipping into her dotage? We'd see. I asked her to make sure that the video that came out of the Zoom presentation got in the hands of one of the LA school district administrators. He participated in the first math workshop presented to the Step-Up Tutors presented by a LA school district staff member. I thought that administrator had been responsive to my perspective when I commented. He recognized an accomplished, experienced teacher. I didn't know if teachers would be responsive to this method. I assumed most of the Step-Up Program tutors who had no teaching experience would be more receptive. I anticipated that teachers would be biased against the approach because it was too open-ended. 

            I told Julia my background and sent her a copy of the slide show. She would have to create breakout sessions at two points in the presentation. I would like to do a dry run on the technical aspects. I will use the Step-Up Zoom account, not my own. That way, Julia will have control of the Zoom session. She will record it and make it part of the program's library.