Friday, January 28, 2022

 Friday, January 28, 2022

    I went to bed early; lights out by 9. I thought I'd be up for a good part of the night. No, I slept through to 3:30. It may be the impact of the Cryo.  Yvette said one of the side effects was a good night's sleep. It hadn't had that effect before.

    I dreamt Michael was alive. This is the first time I have had a dream like that. I imagined he was away at a workshop or class. He was nervous about being successful at what he was trying to do. I reached out anxiously to support him. 

      I'm deeper in denial now than I was earlier. Grief has been hitting me hard. After he died,  I missed the me that I was with him. Now, I miss just being with him. I can't imagine being that comfortable and happy with another human being. We consciously worked out systems to make sure we respected each others' boundaries; more to the point, we worked out a strategy for protecting our own boundaries from each other. Each one of us valued the rules. Were we 100%? Absolutely not. Was that mutual respect for each other's needs a foundation of our relationship? You bet it was. Only many years into the relationship, I realized that someone could have used the system we devised to protect ourselves and abuse the other. Neither of us used it that way! Yay for us. 

  Today I had an appointment with the chiropractor at 8:30am. My ankle seemed better. The metatarsals of the two smallest toes on my right foot bothered me. Kim worked on creating space between the compressed bones. She had enough time to also do some work on my upper back and shoulders. I have been suffering from chronic pain in my rhomboids. 

      Some of my back problems are created by misusing the walking stick. You're supposed to have the strap around your wrist, hold the top of the pole lightly, and swing the pole forward, relying on the strap. Even knowing better, I haven't done that. The impact of the pole striking the ground can reverberate up through your body. Used incorrectly, it's like beating yourself up. 

     I showed Kim how I used my abdominals to straighten my spinal curvature. For the first time, she commented on how well I was doing. Functional spinal curvature is a common problem because people develop asymmetrical patterns in sitting, standing, lying down, and walking. I identified my curved back when I was 55 and have been correcting it ever since. Fortunately, I have received feedback from PTs, all I have met here in Hawaii. I have no idea why dance instructors, primary physicians, chiropractors, yoga teachers, and the physical therapists I had in Princeton and Ohio never said anything. Did they all think it was obvious? It must have been evident to them, but it wasn't to me.  

     I told Kim that I was treating the hammertoe on my right foot with Graston using the original tool for applying this method, a polished jade stone. My second toe still climbs enthusiastically over my first toe.   However, the knuckle isn't as bent or enlarged. . Kim told me to keep her posted on my progress.

    When I got home, I broke out the half loaf of the Sun Dog sourdough rye. No, I didn't imagine it. The second loaf I got wasn't as good as this one. It wasn't as sour, nor as doughy in the center, nor was the crust as crisp. 

   I went out to vinegar the yard. I was almost finished. However, the metatarsals on my left foot hurt as I did.

    When I worked with my friend Katherine, she created an image of me confined in a dark void with a woman guarding the exit, tapping her foot impatiently. I worked on sitting with several people who have made it clear they, at best, don't get me, at worst, dislike me. What came up as I worked with Shelly was the image of my mother desperately stomping on me to extinguish me, the way one would if one was attacked by a poisonous snake. My mother was schizophrenic when it came to me: she literally adored me and wanted to kill me. It occurred to me to ask her to stop. I did, and she did.  

       It reminded me of a similar event many years ago. I was participating in a weekend retreat with a therapy group. One woman was pounding a bataka into a mat in a frenzy. The leader asked if one of us could get her glasses off, so they didn't go flying. No one else responded. I crawled up to her and touched her gently on the middle of her forehead. I told her to stop; I wanted to remove her glasses. She did; I did, and I said, "Go." She went back to her frenzied pounding without missing a beat. I am frozen, not like that woman. She was a hummingbird suspended in midair. I was frozen, immobile. My joints were stiff from holding on to rage. I wondered how many older adults are physically stiff because of emotions they are holding on to rather than releasing. Not that they should be released if they don't know how to do it safely for themselves and others. Had I done so when I was young, I would be in jail for matricide. Nay. I'll pass. If she had acted out her feelings, she would be in jail for infanticide. 

    I had to tell myself I wasn't a child anymore. We all suffer because we 'don't inform yourselves' about the current reality. What does that mean? I developed this visualization for students overwhelmed by fear because they have trouble reading. I tell the student to visualize a 'little them' right under the soft spot on the top of their heads. I tell them to turn that 'little them' around so it's facing the back of their heads instead of the front. Since I'm working with children with reading problems, I instruct them to tell every cell in the back of their heads that no one will kill them, even if they never learn to read. So far, without fail, each student has reported greater relaxation after the visualization. I've written about my theory about why this works elsewhere. I'm not up to it today.

     My frozen self started to move. It was difficult because my joints were so stiff. At some point, I got to an area with some light. We'll see where this takes me. I took a nice long nap.

     I went up to Judy's to do some healing on her wrist. She suffers from carpal tunnel. We sat on her amazing lanai. They have a covered pergola; they hung these beautiful drapes. There's a large sofa/bed with throw pillows, a table, and several chairs. The light and the breeze are spectacular. I was called to work on her back rather than her hand. When people ask me what I'm doing when I do healing, I respond, "I just work here." I just follow instructions," unless I think something could be harmful. Then I put the brakes on.

   I met with adolescent D today to make up for our missed Tuesday class. When I asked if he did any reading in school, he quickly answered yes, in English class. Did he understand what he read? Yes, a confident yes. This is great news. He had problems with the work today, but his attitude and behavior were great. This was a kid who gave up on anything he couldn't ace. Now, he sticks with it and tries any ideas I throw at him- as long as it doesn't require remembering to do it when we're not in session. His memory sucks. I don't know what we're going to do about that yet. I did the Fernald VACKT exercise with the word hurry. He stuck with it; he tried anything. He read the last sentence wonderfully. I got goosebumps. The difference is in his focus. When we started, his attention drifted over the letters. He is much more focused. He had to learn how to do this. When we said goodbye, he said, "See you on Monday." That gave me a lift. No, Monday and Wednesday were for the other tutor. I was glad he still had a positive attitude about working with me.

    Isaac wasn't available for a walk but stopped to visit later in the evening. He told me he was wrestling with what to do over the summer. He had worked at a church summer camp for several years and loved it. He would be in an administrative capacity this summer. The other choice was to stay home with his family. Everyone would be home, all three of his siblings, one returning safely from his mission year in Rwanda. He revealed he had been worrying for his brother's safety. I argued for spending the summer with his family. Isaac and his twin are twenty-one now. The youngest is still in high school, but soon all four will set up their own lives. They won't have an opportunity to be together where the six members of their family of origin are their only concern. They will have spouses and children to focus on. It will be different. It may be better or worse, but it won't be the same.

    Isaac showed me a cut on his foot. He cut it on rocks when surfing. I alerted him to a concern specific to the tropics: staph.   Without winter to kill it off, it flourishes here. I have known several people who became infected. I told him to please monitor his foot carefully.