Tuesday, January 18, 2022

 Tuesday, January 18, 2022

 

      I woke with trouble on my mind. Something I thought had been resolved was not. It's not directly my problem. It becomes mine because I'm involved in a relationship with the other person. They assured me there would be no problem. I wondered how they could be so sure but didn't dare ask. They're uncomfortable when you don't think what they think, at least not when I don't think what they think. An unfortunate relationship. I tried to calm myself, reframing the options. "What I envision may not happen. Even if it does, the outcome may be better than I fear." I slept most of the night.

    My ankle was throbbing a little this morning before I got up. Although it didn't bother me much when I got up to pee during the night. When I finally got up for the day, I had severe discomfort in the mid-calf rather than the ankle.

    I checked the stats on my blog after I posted today's entry. There were over 2,000 visitors from Israel yesterday; there were zero today. How does that happen? It must be some computer glitch. While it seemed weird that many people signed on at once, it's even stranger that they simultaneously disappeared. 

    I also checked visitors to my YouTube videos on the Phonics Discovery System. There were twice as many viewers for the Phase I video than the Phase II. Most viewers aren't very impressed after watching Phase I. The number of viewers of the Phase II video is half as much. Although half isn't a bad statistic either.

   I worked on the updates. My body and head were abuzz with fear. I called both my Jeans. Neither was available. Jean, my hanai sister, was wrestling with terrible pain. She will have her back operation on the 21st, one day before her birthday. Lord, I hope this works for her. You hear so much about failed back surgery. I haven't said anything because I know there is nothing to say. Her view of the body is not the same as mine. I want to find a different way out than surgery – if possible. I'm prepared to work on myself to an unusual degree. Her thought is, "Fix me." She doesn't see herself as having any agency in this arena.  

   Jean, my friend in Arizona, said that she was with a client and would call me back. She did, but she was also in terrible pain. She was passing a kidney stone. She had a partial procedure last week, I believe. Time has never been my strong suit. She has been trying to get hold of the doctor ever since. He hasn't reached out to her or called her back. Ow! What is that about?

   When I finally did get hold of her and told her how scared I was, she recommended I reread the first two chapters of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. I did that. It was just what the doctor ordered. It spoke about fear being a universal emotion; even plants respond when in danger. It reminded me that step one in a bad situation is to make friends with our fear. Embrace it and have compassion for that part of ourselves that is helpless in the face of what scares us.

   I had a 1 pm appointment with my PT, Terry. She used instruments on my sore foot, ankle, and calf problems. She wanted to use a cold laser, but someone hadn't charged it. I think she used a RSI gadget. It chirped when it went over painful areas and was quiet over areas that were okay. As she continued to use it, the chirping slowed down. Then she used this gorgeous jade stone, rubbing it up and down my calf muscles. This is an older form of Graston, whose tools cost over $2000.  

     I offered to buy one of those jade stones for Yvette. No, thanks. They're porous and can contain bacteria. Yvette is meticulously clean. When she comes up to visit, I look at how I keep my home and myself and dread to think of what must be going through her mind. I told her. She said no worries. That concern for germs only applied to her work setting. She was more relaxed at home by a long shot.

    As always, I had a session with adolescent D. I started asking him if he did any reading in school today. Yes, in history class. Did he understand what he read? Not really. He couldn't figure out the longer words. In our last session, I told him to underline the vowel letters if nothing else. He didn't understand what I meant. I wrote the word observation and asked him to identify the vowel letters. He said, "I, and e." Wow! That took my breath away. We worked on this procedure for months while working on the 8th-grade material. He did alright. I don't know what I said, but he spit out the vowel letters defensively. "A, e, i, o, and u." I was thrilled. He said, "I know the vowel letters." He didn't when we started, or he didn't remember. I told him I knew he knew. I was thrilled he remembered. Then back to identifying all the vowel letters. He still had to struggle. However, on a good note, he did remember that -tion is a weird separate situation. He remembered what sound it represented. This boy is so impaired. We have made some progress, but I don't hold much hope of his living a normal life as an adult.

    Isaac came to my door to pick me up for our evening walk. Lutz joined us. For some reason, the topic of interpersonal relationships came up. Ah, I described someone's behavior. Isaac reminded me that I believed all behavior was selfishly motivated. Lutz joined in with, "While all people are selfish, some relationships are symbiotic, and some are parasitic." He came up with the terms that I have been struggling to find. Of course, me being me, I see everything on a continuum. Most relationships are a mixture of the two, even changing from minute to minute. All our relationships are a mixture of both. We can only know how we affect others by asking. We can't assume. I have done things for others I thought were good and weren't received. Others have done something for me that they thought was good, and I didn't see it that way. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.