Every time I woke up during the night, I could hear water running in the downspout. When I got up, the laundry lines were sagging with the weight of the wet clothes I hung up yesterday. It's unusual for it to rain that long, especially at night.
It was still drizzling as I walked Elsa. She sure didn't want to walk on the road. I allowed her to lead. She took me through the driveway gate down to Yvette's level. She had pooped on the street but hadn't peed. I didn't argue when she led the way through the lower driveway gate to Yvette's level. She greeted Yvette's three dogs and then peed. Then she was ready to go in.
I meditated and napped. Scott came up with the dehumidifier, living down at Yvette's for at least a year. He set it up in the bathroom to dry out the under the sink cabinet.
When I was done napping, I got up and vacuumed the kitchen and hallway with my Bissell. Then I headed out to Home Depot. I needed help finding the tubing for the bathroom sink. Then off to find ceiling fans.
Who would have thought it would be such a complicated decision? Indoor or outdoor? I had that one solved. Outdoor Yes, it's under a roof, but it will be exposed to the elements 24/7. Size? I figured the lanai's width is 12 feet, judging by how much extra room there is above my head when I'm lying down. Okay, now what color is the ceiling on the lanai? How is a brown fan going to look there? Am I better off with a white one? Do I want those palm leaf blades? I saw one I liked. The blades had a textured surface. I couldn't pick them up myself. I needed an associate to help me.
I also need an associate's help as I looked at a solar attic fan. I saw a man in a telltale orange apron standing almost at the far end of the aisle from me. I called to him. He acknowledged me, and I started walking. I think I took too long to get to him; he turned to walk away. I yelled. He turned back and waited. He led me to the right area. He was about my age or somewhat younger but had aged badly. He shuffled but at a good clip. My gait was better than his; I didn't shuffle, but I was slower. He had to stop for me to catch up. Their selection of solar attic fans was meager at best. The two they had required making a hole in the roof. I think the one I currently have, a plugin, is just braced up against the attic window. I would prefer something like that instead of having to make a hole in the roof. I also checked out the skylights. I had no idea what I was looking at. At least now I know some questions to ask.
I went home after Home Depot despite needing to pick up some stuff from Costco. When Sander stopped by yesterday to drop off the book request list from one of the seminaries. He dropped off two bags of lemons he had picked up from Costco. He looked for a package of sweet kale salad for me, too. He said the shelves were bare. He asked an employee what was going on. It was the beginning of the month, and food stamps had just been distributed. That explains the long lines on Thursday.
When I got home, it was time to lie down and nap again. I think it's mostly procrastination. I thought about the fans I picked up. Textured blades? Are these going to be impossible to keep clean? I may have to exchange them. I don't think I would like them with dirt wedged in every nook and cranny.
Scott came up and brought one of the fans into the house from the car. It is larger than the ones I have now. I'll have to go back down there and take a closer look at the design and see if they can be cleaned easily.
Sandor and Meaali'inani arrived with Thai food in tow. They were ready for lunch. I don't usually eat a big meal in the middle of the day. The food looked delicious. I couldn't resist; I had one spring roll. I will probably be eating this food for the rest of the week.
We sat around and yakked for quite a while. Sandor got a call from his father. He must have been on for half an hour. His dad, who lives in Miami, dealt with some family issues that leave him feeling betrayed and devastated.
We moved into the library. Sandor had already taken several of Mike's books before. He is an intellectual and academic like Mike. The more degrees, the better. He won't be taking Mike's whole collection, but enough of it to stay together as Mike wanted. Meaali'inani went through the book list from the seminary, crossing out books as Sandor grabbed them for his collection.
I had Thai food for dinner. I needed to add vegetables to the menu. There's too much starch. After dinner, I watched some more TV as I do every night, whether I want to or not. I haven't been enjoying it that much, and at no point have I thought this is better for me than spending those two hours reading or writing. I do always edit and publish the current update for the blog. The public blog updates are exactly one year behind the current ones. The current ones are only available to those friends and family who have been receiving information since Mike entered the hospital. I know many are not following it anymore. More surprising is that some are. Thank you to those who are. It's nice to know I have an audience out there who find what I have to say interesting. One friend made it clear that he only follows them to see that I'm okay. That's also appreciated.
I turned on the TV, intending to continue to watch The Umbrella Academy. It was okay. At least it didn't leave me feeling worse than before I watched it. So many of the shows are downright scary or depressing. When I pushed the start button for the series to begin playing, a totally different series came up on the screen, Outlander. I read the blurb. Okay, whatever. Winds up, I love it. It's a historical romance, more emphasis so far on the historical than the romance. I learned something about the costumes women wore in the 18th century. Women put a cotton roll around their hips. I guess it made their waists appear slimmer and their hips bigger. I got something different. I have noticed that actresses wearing those outfits always seem to have their arms decorously folded in front of them. That posture didn't look particularly comfortable to me. But now I get it. They rested their elbows on that roll and then brought their hands together in front of them. Ah, a very comfortable position. Got it!
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- Musings:
I had been feeling very down about the political situation. I want a world where everyone gets along, cares about each other, everyone. Good luck! The tribalism I am observing is upsetting and frightening. I don't think one side is worse than the other. There are fringe elements from all points of view that are extreme: only my way, no compromise possible.
- There are elements of this type in every faction. As committed as I am to patience and understanding, I find myself falling into a hole and unwilling to see the other person's point of view. Seeing it does not mean agreeing with it. But until I am faced with death, even at their hands, I would prefer to be true to my commitment to be an understanding, compassionate person. Sadly I get too scared.
- I sometimes think the biggest problem with people is their poor statistical skills. There are likely threats and unlikely ones. The white supremacists fear 2042. I believe the date is when people of color outnumber whites. If we are treated by people of color as we have treated them, we have very good reason to be scared. Nonetheless, I would prefer to die with morality in my hip pocket rather than an absolute victory for my team. I think my team has cheated; whites have disadvantaged Afro-Americans left, right, and center. I have no choice but to be on this team, but I am ashamed of what we have done.
- Back to my moment in therapy. Background: my parents are refugees from Nazi Germany. My mother was Protestant, and my dad was Jewish. My mother was furious with the German nation and refused ever to set foot it in again. My dad was in grief. He felt betrayed by the country he loved. The Jews of Berlin made every effort to fit in. They loved Germany. I have previously made my dad's letter to my mom available, which shows his love for his beautiful Berlin.
- My dad commissioned me to make sure this type of hateful behavior never happened again. I don't know how much was implicit and how much was explicit, 'my daughter the messiah." (For those of you who don't know: The search for the Messiah is part of the Jewish tradition. For Christians, Christ is believed to have fulfilled that promise. For those Jews who didn't become Christians, the search for the Messiah continues.) Either way, I understood that I had to make sure the world lived in peace for my dad to be happy.
- Eventually, I figured out he had set me a task that neither Buddha nor Christ had been able to fulfill. I put my burden down. I actually referred to myself as a dropout messiah.
- The other day, I reached out to my sister and talked about the grief I am feeling about the conflict-ridden world. I joked that I had failed. It is a joke that I ever thought I could do something of such great proportion. But as I said it, I realized that part of me, deep inside, still believed that it was my job. And I had failed, completely failed. My grief is over my guilt and shame because of this failure.
- I have been feeling the grief and pain I thought I would feel when Mike died but didn't. I have had moments of sadness and missed him, but there has been no debilitating grief. I came to the conclusion that I had no guilt about my relationship with him. I had done my best, which was, more frequently than not, good enough for him. I was in a loving, generous state of mind toward him more often than not. Once I accepted that he was gone and I wasn't fighting to keep him alive, I let him go. His going seemed just a normal part of our life together, as obvious a step as our getting together was. So much of our relationship was easy, at least easy for me. It was not just enough; it was deeply satisfying. If you have any questions, I talk to him every day and frequently share moments of transmitting and receiving love. I have no guilt about Mike. I was not a failure. I never felt anger or hatred for myself in my role as his wife.
- I sat with that sense of failure at having achieved world peace. It was in the left lower lobe of my heart. As I sat, I became aware of my dad's sadness. I had been aware he was depressed, even as a child, but not his grief. It sat like a rock in my solar plexus. I believe children carry the traumas of their parents in their bodies without even knowing what it is. Dorothy and I were both aware of carrying our mother's grief over the loss of her dog when she was eleven. One person's grief touches the whole family.
- I sat with my dad's grief. It expanded in a good way, the way something compressed expands when you add water. It didn't create pressure inside my body, but I had the sense of something being extruded through my skin. When the session was over, I continued meditating. My body was vibrating. Putting this burden down feels great. It doesn't quite relieve my sadness about what is happening in my world, but it puts me in a better place to deal with what is coming down the pike. I hope I have the courage to take the 'right 'actions when that time comes. I put 'right' in quotes because I am sure that it means different things to all of us. Mine has something to do with caring about all human beings, even if it means my death.
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