Friday, October 15, 2021

 Friday, October 15, 2021

 

    I slept straight through to 3:30. That's five hours straight. I suspect I didn't drink enough water yesterday. After 3:30, I was only dozing and mediating.  I should have gotten up, but the thought of being up and about at the hour makes me uncomfortable. It shouldn't; I can easily nap later in the day. 

  I had an appointment with my therapist/life counselor. I worked on a trauma that occurred when I was seven that involved my mother.  I believe she did something by accident that scared the hell out of me, and I believe scared the hell of her too. The two of us stood together for less than a minute, frozen in shock. I have never forgotten that moment. Neither have I worked on it directly, even though I have always known it is the root of a core issue. No, I am not willing to share details; maybe someday.  What I did share about it gave Shelly a new insight into that type of trauma.  

    I tried a strategy I learned from a Mariel healer many years ago. I introduced my eight-year-old self into the scene to protect and rescue the child. I have done this with many clients. It is a fantastic method. Here's the problem; I usually have the adult enter the scene slowly.  Can you imagine suddenly having a total stranger announcing they're here to rescue you?  I have the current self enter a space and sit quietly. Since the child is usually very young, they are not frightened by an adult sitting in the same room.  The older self then waits for an opening; the child notices them. I know it sounds creepy with today's knowledge of child molesters.  The difference between a predator and a non-predatory is the predator wants to take something for their own benefit that the victim does not want to give.  The helper wants to give the child something for her own sake and waits until signals she's comfortable receiving that help. The older version of self only wants the best for the younger self. To that end, she doesn't want to scare the shit of the kid by coming out of nowhere.  

   Once the younger self creates an opening, the older self moves in to make a connection. The visualization usually starts with some shared activity. When the time is right,  the older self can say, "I'm you all grown up.  See, you survived. You made a life. You turned out okay. I'm here to help you now." The help is freeing the younger self from that moment of trauma. 

    In this case, the older self couldn't present in a subtle, unobtrusive way.  I presented as a glowing presence.  I had to say, "Come to me, and you can get out of that situation." This isn't an offer to a child in an actual situation. This is an offer to a memory of self.  My younger self saw the benefit of coming with my older self and being freed from that moment of trauma. But then she didn't want to leave her mom. She feared leaving her alone would be traumatic for her. Not because her daughter was suddenly gone, but because she would have to face her own traumas.  She would become unraveled.  I felt so sorry for my mom.  I think my younger self finally joined my older self, but I'm not sure. 

   I spent time during the session in grief for Mike's traumas that irrevocably altered his life and made it more difficult. I marvel that I never felt resentment for his failings and the downright damage he did to me, literally in the case of my leg.  The only thing I can figure out is he gave me something so essential; the rest was close to irrelevant.  I never saw myself as mistreated.  I think I see this in other relationships.  I no longer wonder how people can put up with each other when there is evident love, adoration present.  

  The other day the vet called to say that they had finally received a shipment of Science Diet.  They have been out for months. I had already picked up a bag of an alternate brand and set aside enough of the old food to transition. In the meantime, I discovered Yvette and Josh have been f getting the same Science Diet online. They get the largest-sized bag for their two dogs, one Elsa's size and one larger. She proposed we share that bag.   I headed into town to do some chores. 

  My first stop was the vet to return the other bag of dog food. Then I headed to Cosco to pick up the new remote for the window air-conditioner in the study.  Wow! Over two hundred dollars. The clerk was surprised too.  Okay. When I got it home, I stuck it in the wall holder with the plastic still on it.  I don't need it. I figure if I don't put batteries in it, maybe it won't rust.

     I had the sisters in the afternoon.  I am seeing a significant improvement in W's oral reading. Her word accuracy is pretty good, her fluency is better, and her use of context clues to get the correct word is great.  M is still reading the Carpenter material over and over, using memory to support the reading and using repeated reading to memorize words.  I started story writing with her to create material with a more diverse reading vocabulary than the Carpenter materials provide.  Her imagination is lean and verbal expression in storytelling is limited.

    Right after them, I had a session with adolescent D. I saw a leap.  He held on to sounds better, repeating what he had said two seconds before, and he also showed improvement in blending.  I  will have to remember to tell him that learning doesn't go in a straight line. No, it's two steps forward and one step back.

   I finally found the type of ball Elsa likes on Amazon. It is a small knobby multicolored ball with a light that flickers as it rolls.  I had tried to find it before, with no success. I am so happy.