Monday, October 11, 2021

 Monday, October 11, 2021

 

    I slept pretty well.  I got up several times during the night to pee, but I fell asleep quickly. There was only a little ‘dozing’ in the hour before I got up.  I think it would be better if I got up and made up for lost sleep with naps. 

    Vince and Julie were walking down the street, heading for their home as I left my driveway. I wasn’t late; they were early. I walked with them. They were up at 2:30 to put the fish they had soaked into the dryer. Vince earns money making this dried fish treat. I asked him where he got his fish from. He told me he gets them from local fishermen. They call him.  I don’t remember all the details.  There are two types. One gets a good price right now. They never offer that one to Vince; it goes to the hotels and restaurants. I assume Vince pays less. The other is a less expensive one. If he doesn’t want those fish, they release them back into the ocean. 

   I had no requests for Reading support today.  I thought I had a leisurely morning. I got a call. 

“Are you on your way to rehab?’  Huh??? Oops!  I had an 8 am appointment with Club Rehab for pelvic floor therapy.  I usually check my calendar first thing in the morning. I didn’t. It was now 8:15. Hmm!  Could I make it there by 8:30? Yes, if I rushed. I dropped everything to collect myself to leave the house. Elsa seeing me with my bag over my shoulder, ran after me in anticipation. “Are we going for a ride?” 

   Maneuvering to get out of the driveway, I backed into a shrub at the edge of the driveway- hard. Oh, well. Two accidents in two days, both under 5 mph.   I got to the Rehab center shortly after 8:30. The receptionist said there wasn’t time, just fill out the paperwork.  I was agitated.

    I had been agitated on my walk. There is some issue that had to be resolved. I keep dialoguing. I’m okay with some of that; I often come up with solutions. It’s when it turns into the repeat loop, known as obsessing, that it’s not okay. 

       While at the rehab filling out paperwork, I wondered what the hell was going on. Did this agitation start in my body or my mind?  I’ve noticed over the past few days flashes of negativity.  Yes, I mean flashes. I have a brief thought about something I did wrong yesterday, a year ago, 20 years ago, and have ‘that’ feeling.  How do you describe it other than to say it doesn’t feel good? It’s a shaft running through some part of my body. It could be my chest or my abdomen. It’s always in the trunk, not the limbs.  In some ways, it reminds me of my hot flashes. Now that is supposed to be purely physical. For those who never had one, it feels like an anxiety attack. It’s a surge that you feel before the sweat starts. The surges I was having now were not related to hot flashes.  How do you describe this feeling: anxiety, fear, shame, grief?  It feels like so many emotions package together, all unpleasant. It’s often accompanied by some thought, usually remembering something I said or did that I feel was wrong now, something I did 20, 30, even 40 years ago. 

  We know from neuroscientific research that things start in our nervous system before our conscious mind becomes involved. We reach for that cup before our conscious minds become involved. We speak before our conscious minds become involved.  If my conscious mind is aware of some embarrassing incident, something must have been activated long (in neurological time) before my conscious mind generated a thought. 

   Now, this doesn’t mean that my default mind hasn’t been at work generating these memories. What’s the default mind? It is literally the part of our mind that constantly generates thought unless the conscious mind demands all the available attention and energy. The moment our conscious minds are not forcibly engaged, our default minds go back to work. Our default minds are constantly generating thoughts about our social lives. The default mind is online before our conscious minds. By the time our conscious minds become aware of any such thoughts, that’s all they do – become aware of what has been going on. It’s not our conscious mind which generates these thoughts.  Its role in obsessive thinking?  It makes no effort to stop it. The how is easier to understand than the why. Why would our minds pull up unpleasant memories of our own behavior from years ago? How does this benefit us?

    I don’t assume this describes everyone’s experience; neither do I assume it represents only mine. I shared my thoughts with a friend. She recognized this experience. 

    I went out and worked on the garden. The sun bore down, but there was a nice breeze.  It reminded me of afternoons in camp on Lake Otsego outside of Cooperstown, N.Y. That’s always a good memory. As I worked, I could feel the sweat and the breeze. Lovely.  Kneeling isn’t an option in this area.  I have to bend over from the waist.  I had to remind myself to use my right abdominal muscles, right glute muscles, and right inner thigh to push my right hip up and over to the left.  My back held out for an hour. Amazing!

   Had adolescent D in the late afternoon.  As usual, I had to call him. No worries. He is always happy to get on.  He works hard but still has problems hearing the sound of the basic units in the words he says, holding on to sounds as he blends them, and self-correcting when he has made a wild guess based on the first letter of a word.

    D’s on vacation from school for the week. I texted mom asking if she wanted extra sessions. She said yes, and did I think he was making any progress. I said yes, slowly, slowly.  If he was reading on grade level after six months work, that would qualify as one for the Guinness Book of World Records.

    Judy called. Yesterday, she, Howard, and Paulette left their house at 6 pm and headed south to the volcano.  Actually, they headed east to Hilo, where they had a good dinner before driving to the National Volcanoes Park to view the active volcano.  They were disappointed.  It was raining and cold, 54 degrees.  All they got to see was a glow.  They had seen better.

   I completed several New Times mini crossword puzzles.  Elsa came to my side and asked to be picked up. She only does that when she’s scared. I have no idea what spooked her.  Was there a small earthquake? If there was, I didn’t feel it. When we had the big one the other day, she only stayed in my arms for a few minutes. Tonight, she stayed and stayed, panting the whole time. I have no idea what is bothering her.

   An email from Masterpiece Theater announced a new season of Vera. Okay, Hawaii PBS wins. I’ll pay the extra cost to watch this.  Mike and I loved British mysteries, along with the Scottish and the Australian ones.