Thursday, October 14, 2021

 Thursday, October 14, 2021

 

      I was peaceful for most of the night. I felt grateful for the reconciliation of all my parts. We know that we are all of at least two minds, if not many, many more.  For most of the night, there were no internal conflicts.  Then shortly before I woke up, negative thoughts entered.  I was having a problem with my Brit box subscription.  I felt overwhelmed and helpless about resolving this situation.  It is hard to get someone on the phone to solve a problem. However, we are talking about ten dollars. Even if I couldn’t get the subscription to work and have access to Brit box programs, how big a deal was that?  Nonetheless, my mind was off and running. I felt trapped and helpless.  Really??  Some deep breathing got my mind off that thread. However, I am endlessly amazed at what my mind does.

      How I can be doing well and -bam- some miscellaneous thought ensnares me?  However, it also works the other way. With a bit of effort or sometimes a joyful event, and I can swing the other way.  While I had some bad days recently, for the most part, this all passes quickly, the highs and the lows. At this point, I find it interesting to observe the fluctuations. When I was young, it was all desperation.  Now, it’s mostly peaceful with some unexpected and some expected turns. Reading Batchelor’s book, Buddhism without Beliefs reminds me this is not just my problem.  Two major religions, at least, address this problem directly, and they’re both over 2000 years old.  The question is, why does the human mind do this?  Because I have an evolutionary perspective, I assume it has some survival benefit.  The only thing I can think of offhand, it is a form of social hypervigilance.  If the theory that social conformity was/is rigid in a survival setting is true, constant self-appraisal of conformity to outside expectations would have a survival purpose. 

    I ran into Vince walking alone this morning without Julie.  I have known for a while that he makes and sells fish jerky.  I learned more about yesterday and today. Yesterday, I learned he has the best recipe.  He said, “Secret formula.” Julie said, “Teriyaki sauce.” Today, he told me more about his elaborate setup. He has driers and refrigerators.  He told me how he maintains an emasculate kitchen. He said if he had one bad batch and his reputation would be ruined. He only sells to people directly. Some then sell to others for a profit. He never sells to retailers.  He makes a decent living. 

     I had an appointment with a podiatrist early this morning. I did an electronic check-in.  I went to what I thought was the correct waiting area.   After a short wait, I heard, “Betty?” Why would anyone near the entrance be calling my name?  “Betty David-Ross?”  There couldn’t be two of us.  I walked toward the voice. Right wing, wrong floor.  The nurse had come down from the 2nd floor to get me. How lovely! 

   My foot is much better. I was no longer concerned that my foot would get worse and worse and leave me unable to walk.  While the toes were a little angled, the numbness was almost gone. The doctor had tons of information for me.  He said the first metatarsal is shorter than the second in 99% of people.  He also said 2nd and 3rd should be the same length. Mine are pretty even. He showed me I had an extra bone mass. Those are normal and cause no problems.  He started to recommend regular shoes but backed off.  He finally said they’re better than flip flops known as slippers, which are standard footwear here in HI. He saw Crocs as a step up.  He recommended the sling I had bought to bind the second toe to the third to restrain it from climbing over the first one.  I was happy I went and got additional information.

   I stopped off at Cosco on the way home. I had forgotten about ordering the remote for the air conditioner.  I had stopped by there to see if my old one could be fixed.  They put in batteries to test it. They didn’t work. I thought it was worth trying to see if I could scrap the contact points and get a better connection. That didn’t work. Then I needed the model and the serial number of the air-conditioned I had to order the replacement. I took a picture of the plaque and presented it to the clerk. The poor woman was so anxious, constantly telling me that it wouldn’t be long before she got into her computer to get the information she needed, and then it wouldn’t be long before the new one arrived - only be a few days. I couldn’t calm her. I assured her it had been over two years since I had a remote; another year was just fine.  Besides, I had a book. I stood there reading. She interrupted me at least a dozen times. 

    The book I was reading as I stood there waiting was Buddhism without Belief.  I was reading the chapter where he describes what HIS mind does, flipping from positive to negative thoughts, seeing challenges to self all over the place.  So glad to read this. It reminds me this is part of the human condition. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.  All society demands of me is a degree of behavioral conformity.

    Bodyworkers always comment on my high degree of kinesthetic awareness.  I’m off the charts. What I am now is nothing compared to what I was when I was younger.  Most people see it as a positive. The bodyworkers say most people have minimal body awareness. I see the negative side; it makes me aware of every mood shift. Thank God I found Vipassana.  It taught me how to achieve equanimity. It teaches there are two wings to a bird: awareness and equanimity.  My awareness way surpassed my equanimity.  Learning Vipassana meditation was the perfect for for me.  It utilized my overdeveloped awareness for my healing.  

   Vipassana mediation starts with “watch your respiration.”  The verbal guidance is provided by the original leader via recordings.  He speaks with an Indian accent. When he says, “Watch your respiration,” it sounds like he’s sayings, “watch your desperation.”  I laugh every time. That first part teaches how to suppress the monkey mind, but it is not the healing part of the mediation. The healing part is the Vipassana; it involves observing the sensations on the body (awareness) with a calm mind (equanimity).  If you can observe your respiration to calm your desperation, then you can observe the physical manifestations of your desperation with a calm mind, and guess what- It just goes away. A truly remarkable process. Buddha was indeed a genius. 

      I checked my public blog numbers every day. For the past week, they’ve been running in the triple digits. Yesterday, it was over 200 views, today 16.   My guess was yesterday was the last day of some English language course.  Is there one teacher who teaches English in three different countries: Hong Kong, the USA, and Indonesia? I’d love to know the story behind these numbers.  What seems clear, exposure doesn’t guarantee someone will continue reading it. 

     I spent an hour going through all the videos I recorded on Zoom. All the ones I deleted were on Phase I. That video is completed and posted on YouTube.  I have to find the best of what I recorded for the Phase II video.

     I contacted Amazon customer support. I got into the Prime Videos and watched another Vera. Ah!!