Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

 

    I went to bed after 10 last night and read a little before turning off the light.  I slept peacefully through the night except for two trips to the bathroom. I woke when the alarm went off. Ah! Lovey!  The morning walk was uneventful.  I ran into no one. Now that's unusual.

     Yvette was running a little late for driveway yoga today.  Usually, the participants are at least Yvette, who leads the class, Scott, and me. Today, Jared and Casey were with us as well as Deb via phone from Seattle.

   When the class was over, I asked Scott to detach Spectrum's equipment so I could return it. I continued working on the blog and updates while I waited.  He came up at 11 after my appointment with Shelly.  While I had struggled to undo the connections, he had it done in seconds. As he left, he put the equipment in my car.  He also told me the drop-off spot wasn't in that weird building in the new industrial center but in the Kona Commons strip mall.  He knew because Yvette discovered this change the hard way.

    

    I had a session with Shelly.  I worked on the Kafkaesque feeling of being told  I've done something wrong, I am wrong, even that I'm a terrible person, but never being told what it is that I've done. Being told that "I should know," is crazy-making. Whether I should or shouldn't, I don't. How about telling me.  It's just Guilty, Guilty! Guilty!  My head spins with confusion as I try to figure out what I've done so I can fix it.  I had the image of my mother 'going postal' stabbing me on the left side of my chest. Her face radiates a combination of anger, joy, and confusion.  Quietly watching my mother's actions in the image was calming for me but not her.  For me to be healed from the trauma of her attacks, both of us have to find peace. 

    Mike and I both found our families of origin confusing.  Mike's response was to eliminate chaos, make sure order was preserved. My response was to find the Gestalt, which incorporated both views to create order.  We both craved order. We approached the problem from different angles. We were a good enough match that our complementary and conflicting ways of dealing with the same problem could be used to help both of us learn from each other, grow and become better people with bigger hearts. 

     I started to work on the transom windows above the bookshelves in Mike's library.  I couldn't get screens out.  I had never tried to remove them since the day they were installed.  I didn't have the patience to deal with it. 

   Yvette came to tell me that the on-loan massage table was going.  It was stored here while Sharry recovered from her rotator cuff surgery. Her high school graduate son was supporting her while she recovered.  It was good news that she needed the table back, but bad news for me.  Having it here allowed me to have the acupuncturist come to my house for our sessions.  The table sat in our large guest room with windows on two sides of the room, providing plenty of ventilation.  Her room is small and windowless.  I don't feel comfortable being in there without a mask on.  Today, I found out that Sharry, the massage table owner in my guest room, would only use the table briefly and planned to return it.  She needed it because she was interviewing to be a family massage therapist.  Yvette said most people who get a regular massage in their homes get their own massage table. This is s win-win situation.

     I had PT with Terry today. She made an observation Katie had made.  I hadn't understood Katie's comment.  Terry explained it. Katie said my left leg crossed my right inappropriately.  My legs weren't in parallel.  Huh?  I thought you were supposed to put one foot in front of the other, like walking in a straight line.  Terry explained this comment didn't refer to my feet; it referred to my knees.  My leg turned in that much. Between all the work Katie, Terry, and my acupuncturist are doing on me, parts of my body are relaxing enough for me to get some change in alignment and movement. My focus now is on opening my right hip joint, the okay hip.  I had no idea how restricted that was.  I get more range of motion in my left hip as I stretch it out.

    I had three chores on my list to complete before I went home. Since I got out of the PT after 2 pm, had to be home by 3 pm for a tutoring session, and had to reasonably calculate 20 to 30 minutes to get home, there was no way I could complete all three.  I chose to go to Long's. I was going to make a return and a purchase; I had to abandon doing the return. Long's was priority because I had to get more of those spongy squares to put between my big toe and second on my right foot.  Those two toes started going that-a-way on me.  They want to cross No, no, no. That would be a disaster.  I wear a sling around my second toe, attaching it to the third, pulling it back from its climb over my first toe.  I need the spongy thing to help keep them apart.  

    I headed home to make my 3 pm zoom appointment with third-grade A, fuming in anticipation of signing on to -nothing. Then casually being told by his parents, "Oh, we're ------ whatever!" I don't mind if people don't remember the sessions once in a while, followed by apologies, but this family has done it several times. "We're very busy," is their response. I'm sure they are. I'm sure I'm not. I'm usually at home. Not canceling in a timely way is often only a minor inconvenience. However, that is not always the case. Either way,  it is not okay to do this.  I have resolved that I will tell them there will be a charge for sessions canceled less than three hours in advance.  This is the only family I feel I have to do this with.

    I continued with Phase III with third grade A.  Up to now, I have said the next word and had him spell it today. I started giving him groups of words and asking him to recall them.  Forget it!  He has serious auditory memory problems.  He had no idea how to remember what he had heard. This means he can't process what people say at his leisure.  He has to grasp the meaning on the fly.  Being unable to retain the sound of someone's voice, the words they utter, is a handicap. I asked him if his mother was playing the audiofile for him. He said, "Yes.!" Ah, I hope it helps, but, of course, but there is no guarantee.  The only concern is that it do no harm. Can it do harm? Is there anything that can't?  

     I had adolescent D later in the afternoon. As usual, I started by asking him if he had done some reading. He said yes. Did he see this as an improvement over what he could do in September? "I couldn't even spell bread!" Wow!  Why would he expect himself to spell bread. He only started reading regularly, an hour and a half a week in March of 2021, then only under my carefully structured guidance.  Why would he expect himself to spell bread correctly; how many times had he encountered it in print? How many times had he tried to spell it? 

   I asked him if he wondered why he had the problems he did. He said Yes.  I listed three possible causes. 1) genetic or physically determined, 2) he made a wrong choice at some point and started using his brain incorrectly, 3) he didn't want to do anything if he couldn't do it perfectly. Given his response, the third choice was a significant factor, even if the other two were involved. On the physical level, I told him that the brain was plastic. 

     I told him the story of what Paul Bach-y-Rita did with his father after he had a stroke and lost the ability to walk. Bach-y-Rita had his father go through the steps a baby goes through; he had him crawl.  His father regained his ability to walk. Bach-y-Rita, a neuroscientist, did an autopsy on his father's brain when he died. The part affected by the stroke was dead.  Some other part of this old man's brain took over the function. Anything is possible- with correct effort.   

      I asked D if he realized what a disaster his attitude was.  He said yes.  I know I can work on this. There is a possibility I am the best person too work on it. A) I have some skills, and b) D trusts me.  I don't think he trusts many people. It's taken me nine months to get him to trust me to this extent.  However, I do resent that his mother actually has told me that she expects me to get him to be someone who can ask for what he wants and advocate for himself.  From where I'm standing, he can't even advocate for himself with himself.  This family never hired a tutor for him until I came on the scene.  The only reason I got the job is that I kind of pushed myself into that position.  She operates like a fatalist.  She doesn't initiate anything. She's just critical of people who don't give her what she wants, Incredible!  She was outraged that the school had not provided her son with additional help as they had promised. Really!!! You did nothing for your son, and you're outraged that the school does nothing now? How does that work? I actually told her at one point that I thought he should see a psychiatrist.  No response. Not even no. Just nothing. Maddening. And she wonders why her son is as he is.  To boot, when I tell her about his improvement, her response is, "Is that all?" He still can’t . . . . .  Instead of being ecstatic about the improvement. She wonders why he is so hard on himself.  At some point, I may comment to her about her behavior. When I ask her to show me his work, she forgets. Oh!  I can't help him with his handwriting if I don't have any information about his problems.  Nothing.  Very, very frustrating. I don't just have to overcome the boy's resistance; I have to overcome his mother's.  She reminds me of a family member- passive-aggressive.

      Isaac gives piano lessons on Tuesdays.  He didn't join me for a walk. He texted me asking if I would print out something for him. Sue. He came over to pick it up.  He told me he tried the "hounds of hell" visualization and had the same effect I did.  It was easier to take their attack than one from people or himself. We also talked about the difference between Buddhism and Christianity. After he left, I thought about two biblical stories, Adam and Eve and Sodom and Gomorrah. I had a different take on both of them than I had ever had before.   

   As I understand it, one of the interpretations of the sin of Adam and Eve is that they wanted to be God or have the knowledge that God had. Other than the knowledge of good and evil and the power to have dominion over nature, I haven't heard any elucidation of what this might mean. 

       I'm not a scholar of this topic. I just did a quick Internet check.  I thought about what it means to make ourselves into God.  When we insist that our version of anything is the only possible one, we're making ourselves into God. "My religion is the only true one." I would say someone who says that is making themselves into God.  They are claiming absolute knowledge.  

This claim also applies to putting the toilet paper on the toilet paper roll.  People fight to the destruction of a marriage over that issue and many other trivial ones.  My way is the only way! And you shall have no other God!   We have to be constantly reminded of our human condition. It's tough! Maybe the Dalai Lama. He may be better at it than the rest of us, but I can't imagine he has escaped our human propensity for hubris.