Friday, December 3, 2021
I was up at 1 am again. I had trouble sleeping; I could only doze. I finally got up to meditate at 3:30. Once I got to underlying sadness, my agitation dissolved, and I relaxed. I went back to bed and had vivid dreams. I remembered one I had the other day. I saw a friend's daughter throwing up and knew she was pregnant. I hope not. They can't afford another child. This morning's dream was even weirder.
The first part of the dream had Mike in it. He was lying down and grabbed at his chest. I thought he had a heart attack, but there were no other symptoms. When he grabbed his chest the second time, I got concerned enough to call 911. That dream stopped there. I didn't know what happened to Mike; oh, wait, I did. He died, but not of a heart problem. I was already dead when I had the dream. I have no idea what it might mean.
The second dream was weirder. I met a man of my age who I related to well. He was my age. Only one problem - I wasn't my current age. I was around 50. He was best friends with the dentist I saw yesterday, who told me I had two abscesses and needed a root canal. That immediately gave me more confidence in the dentist, who I saw as a rigid autocratic thinker. Somehow it came out that I would die by August 2 because of something or another. But because of something else, I would die by February. Weird dream. I have never dreamt of my own death before. I wasn't terribly upset. I don't know what is generating these thoughts.
Today, I learned that Crumbley's parents bought their son a firearm as a Christmas present after being warned by the school that he was showing disturbing signs of violence. The counselor told them he was troubled and needed help. His parents gave him help; they bought him a gun because he wanted it. Wouldn't you do that for your child? The problem is these folks assumed that all internal troubles come from feeling weak, insignificant, helpless. They gave him a gun so he wouldn't feel weak, insignificant, or helpless. He didn't. He felt powerful. Done! Right?
I wonder what the gun rights activists will do with this event. Will they fund a defensive for these parents who really thought a gun would fix their son's psychological problems? I would say the boy is innocent on the grounds of mental incompetence. Then the parents are also innocent. They thought the gun would make their son feel better. Admitting a need for psychological help was not part of their worldview. No one in their family needs psychological help. Obviously! Is it currently against the law for someone to give a gun to someone who manifests psychological problems? Should it be? Did the parents actually violate the law as it is currently written? Will this produce a change in the law?
I saw a picture of the parents. Wow! I thought they would look like limited people. Not at all. I don't know what the hell they were thinking. They've gone to ground because they are afraid that people will harm them. I can imagine there are a few furious parents out there.
I had an appointment with my therapist Shelly today. I worked on my vocal tone. I noticed how I hated it when someone spoke to me in a harsh, snarky way when they didn't get what they wanted. I have known for a while that I speak in snarky ways when I get scared or angry. I have been working on changing it. Today, I realized that I speak that way when I'm just annoyed too. It's my go-to way of speaking. I don't ever speak in gentle mellifluous tones. I know people who do and say the most horrible things. I can generally control my words, but not my tone.
Shelly is a born and bred Ohioan, Midwest through and through. I thought some of my speaking style was because I was a born and bred New Yorker. I adopted that speaking style. My sister did not. Part of this style comes from Jewish speaking styles. Argument is built into the culture. It is okay to question God. It is a learning style. Scholars argue the fine points of the Talmud. It's a way of getting to know the material better and learning more from someone else's point of view. Argument can be used to instruct our 'opponents' on how to convince us of their point of view. It also occurred to me that disrespected minority groups develop styles of speaking that are defensive and even aggressive styles of speaking. Shelly said my tone was generally aggressive; she changed it to assertive. I must work on developing my mellifluous voice. I can do that. I wonder how it will impact me to hear this different voice, to think in this new voice, and my relationship with others.
Mike took issue with my vocal tone. During Mike's first visit to the ICU, a nurse approached him as he lay there intubated and helpless and told him to stop thinking. She said, "' He's the type of person who thinks too much." I nearly reached across his bed to strangle her. I asked her if she could do that. She said yes. I told her I could too because I was trained. Saying that to Mike in his present condition was just cruel. After she left, Mike requested writing material. He wrote one word, "Gentle!" Boy, I didn't feel that woman deserved an iota of gentleness. I thought of reporting her. I still think I should have done that.
I called the school on Wednesday to find out how my job application was going but couldn't get through to the principal because of technical problems with their phone system. I was told she would call me back. I called her today. "Oh, we decided we don't need you." "I was hired to teach a specific student. How are you going to address his needs?" "We realize we have someone on staff who can do the job." Huh? The head of the special ed department told me how short-staffed they were. That's why they put me through the application process in the first place. I texted the head of the special ed department. He knew nothing about the situation. Very weird. My first thought was it probably means I won't be working with D anymore once they get the new person. Later in the day, I wondered if this occurred because someone complained about me. I can't imagine that to be the case. I had nothing but success working with the students of third grade when I volunteered.
I had PT with Katie. She always gives me insights into how my body works and modify what I do. I showed her an exercise Terry gave me. She was familiar with it. She suggested I do it on both sides. When I tried that, I could feel the impact. She was concerned that she was contradicting Terry. I thought they complemented each other. It was for me to decide what would be most beneficial what felt best on my body. She showed me an exercise to strengthen my inner thigh muscles. She explained they were weak because they were so tight. I understood that. For muscles to be strong, they have to flex and extend to the maximum degree. Mine are locked. She instructed me to squeeze a pillow using only my inner thigh muscles, not my glutes. I had to work to isolate them.
I also showed Katie how I stretched those muscles. I crossed the bad left leg behind the right, so they were crossed as much as I could. I then leaned into the left hip. I got an IT band and an inner thigh stretch. Katie said my leg would love that position because it was neutral for that left leg. Boy, have I ever twisted myself out of shape. I applied this information to my walk. Now I know what is neutral for my left leg. That gives me something to aim for.
I used the spelling exercise proposed by third grade A with adolescent D. Wow! He had terrible problems identifying sounds without the letters being there right before him. He reverted, having trouble holding on to sounds he had already produced and blending them. He kept reversing sounds pronouncing culp as clup or culope. I asked him if his head was spinning. Yes, at the front of his forehead. He had more trouble holding on to sound than I've seen for a while. This was an upsetting session. Had I pushed him too hard? I suspect he had problems because I introduced a new activity; I did spelling with him as I had with third grade A. He must have gotten scared and switched to his old dysfunctional processing system.
This evening, there was a package in the mailbox, and it was not from Amazon. I was expecting it. My friend Jean sent me a long-anticipated present. She told me about it months ago. She had it in her freezer. When she went to look for it, it was gone. Her husband had eaten it. So I knew it was food and something you keep in the freezer. I couldn't imagine what it was. She purchased it anew and sent it out now, just in time for my birthday. I got a good laugh when I opened it, 7 Hersey's Milk Chocolate bars with whole almonds. She also threw in a lovely scarf. I sent her a video with me holding the bars and laughing and a photo of me wearing the scarf. All this just in time for my birthday.
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