Saturday, June 3, 2023

 Saturday, June 3, 2023

     I scheduled a Zoom session with second-grade M for nine-thirty. We had made enough progress for her to feel comfortable to say she wanted to work on reading comprehension rather than writing. We reviewed the story we read last Monday. She did an excellent job summarizing the story and answering questions. Then, the Zoom froze. Then Zoom went dead. I moved from my Surface Pro tablet to my Apple MacBook. I could connect, but it didn’t allow me to share files. If Zoom dies on me, my tutoring work is dead. That would be scary. I had to end the session. I won’t be charging for it.  

    

 The day was a struggle. I felt like every cell of my body was vibrating. I have had this feeling at other times. I had no idea why. Sometimes, it was not attached to any particular thoughts or feelings. Today, I wasn’t so lucky. I was obsessing about a negative situation. I was in despair. Since I had this feeling before, I wondered if something was wrong with me physically. I had bad feelings in my body, and I confused them with bad emotional feelings. I checked to see if there was any information about it online. Sure enough. Anxiety.   

 

  I have been anxious all my life; I spent my youth in terror. I just outran the fear. I was a ball of energy and intensity. I remember feeling that I was always trying to catch Niagara Falls in a saucepan. It wasn’t a great feeling, but I made it through without serious consequences. 

Pretty amazing. 

 

I coped the way Katherine Hepburn did, but she was much better at it than I was- in one sense. Her professional determination and success are admirable. That woman stuck to her guns at a time when doing so was lethal for a woman. I was more successful in my relationship with Mike. Tracey acted out his self-hatred for himself on Hepburn, constantly putting her down. He was a roaring drunk. She had to be on set with him so the director could get work out of him. That was a tragic set of circumstances. What she did get to do was love with all her heart. Being able to do that is a great gift, regardless.

 

I complained about my circumstances to Judy and Damon. Judy has some tolerance for it. It wears Damon down to a nub. I have told him to protect himself and tell me to shut up. Going over the circumstances endlessly doesn’t help- for the most part. Fortunately or unfortunately, I find that dwelling on a problem can help. There is always an exit- one way or another. Something changes in me if I dwell on looking for the exit instead of just bemoaning my fate. I find the way out. In the meantime, I suffer from the circumstances and thinking about the problem obsessively.

   The need for a sounding board reminds me of a story of a brilliant mathematician who couldn’t think unless he was talking to someone. He hired someone to sit and listen to him. I don’t believe the person had to know anything about math. They just had to listen to him ramble. The mathematician wrote the formulas on a blackboard. He may have had his back to his ‘listener’. The guy, I assume it was a guy, that they were both guys, could have read while he listened. Everything would be good as long as he looked alert when his boss turned around.  

     I called Paulette. She was coming home today instead of Sunday. She thought Judy said she would be there by two pm and was ready to go home. There was a misunderstanding. Judy was there by five. I saw them as they drove down our street. Paulette didn’t look great. 

    People have different standards of good behavior. Obligation and sacrifice are part of every moment of life, no less part of relationships. Joyless obligation and sacrifice should only be a small aspect of any relationship. There are always those periods of dead air in relationships when you just soldier on, acting as if,  hoping the air clears.   

     For some people, joyless obligation and sacrifice are signs of true virtue. They strive to achieve it; they look for opportunities to sacrifice themselves. Sacrifice like that breeds resentment, especially if it is not fully appreciated. Sacrifice with joy requires no acknowledgment.

 Also, I hear the word sacrifice used just when it means not doing what you want and doing what someone else wants. Holy cow! Again, there are times when this is necessary, but accommodating someone else’s needs can be a joy. Modifying your expectations is fun. It’s an adventure. You’re not quite sure of the path; you explore new territory.   

  People talk about traveling to see things they haven’t seen before. Modifying my wants is a way of exploring the unexpected. So far, that has worked very well for me. I haven’t seen joyless sacrifice work out so well. Maybe it’s because I don’t recognize its value and don’t affirm the people who do it. 

       Everything is done for a self-centered reason. Only the other person can determine if my behavior is selfish. If  I never take them into consideration, I would agree. However, if the other person’s definition of unselfish behavior is to always do what they want without considering my own needs -eh, I don’t think so. 

    I get why I had trouble with therapists. I had this one crazy one who would make assumptions about me that were blatantly untrue. I don’t mean what I thought or felt; I mean about things I had done in my life or my relationship with Mike. She assumed I had never held a real job. She never even felt the need to ask. Wild. I suspect people see that I will always seek to do things I enjoy doing. That’s true. But I enjoy making accommodations for others. Judy says that’s rare in a person. Really? That’s sad.

    I watched the end of Call Me Kate. At the end of Spencer Tracey’s life, Hepburn lived with and cared for him. When he died, she quickly packed up all her things. She always did that when Tracey’s wife was called. Both Tracey and his wife were devout Catholics. While he left his wife and entertained other women, he never divorced. He lived with crippling guilt. Hepburn approached his widow after his death and suggested they be friends. His wife was surprised. She thought the relationship between Hepburn and her husband was just a rumor. She was shocked he had a long-term relationship with another woman. We all live in worlds of our own creation, don’t we? 

Friday, June 2, 2023

 Friday, June 2, 2023

I didn't get my 10,000 steps in yesterday because of the rain.

 

I was down to 145.5 again despite my healthy(?) appetite for Hersey's milk chocolate nuggets with almonds. I had twenty yesterday.

        

I had Mama K's crew at 8:15. She was home and got the kids set up promptly. I had Twin A first. We continued to work on a third-grade passage. We still only got through the first paragraph. Decoding is her problem. I use a six-step procedure for decoding multi-syllable words. I didn't teach her the procedure explicitly; I didn't write a list of steps. I just told her what to do next. She was able to identify the vowel letters with 100% accuracy. She was also good at remembering what sounds are attached to letters. We moved on to the second when she read the words in the first paragraph perfectly. I didn't know if she read those words accurately because she remembered them or decoded them. It wasn't relevant. As I moved to the next paragraph, I checked whether her decoding skills had improved. Hopefully, at the point she can read the whole passage, she can read other material at this level. 

 

I had Twin E next. She had finally progressed to the first-grade level. However, she still struggled with decoding and automatic recall at the most basic level. She didn't recognize the word here. She tried to decode it. Oh, boy. I tried to get her to use her memory. Nothing came up. I asked her if she expected to hear what her mind told her the word in her ears. Yes. I asked her her mother's name. That came up quickly. Did she hear it in her ear? How am I going to get this girl's memory to work?  

 

I had fourth grade K last. His reading isn't 100% accurate, but then neither is mine. Small mistakes that don't change the meaning slip in. His comprehension is much better. I needed to prepare more material for him. Today, we finished the last 4th-grade passage I had prepared. On Monday, I planned to start on fifth-grade material. I hoped to get him through the fifth grade and up to sixth-grade material.  

 

Shelly, my therapist/life coach, called at nine am. I worked on grief. Important relationships are not going well.  

 

My friend Melissa came over, as planned. She brought fresh flowers, freshly picked St. John's wort, and a new sealed box of tea. I served her some tea the last time she was here, and the bag fell apart. Our teas maybe fifteen to twenty years old. Mike and I weren't hoarders; we just didn't get around to throwing away things we didn't use. We talked about medicine, she's a doctor, and religion and told funny stories. We enjoy each other's company. Lovely! 

 

Paulette called. She would be coming home on Sunday. They found an abscess, which was the cause of her borderline sepsis. Since they drained it, her white count had dropped percipiticiouly, from 30,000 to 13,000. She told me that under 10,000 is normal. The hospital will only discharge her once they know the type of bacteria causing the infection so they can target it specifically with antibiotics.  

 

I found a second suspicious bump on Elsa's skin this morning. It was four days since I bathed her last. I was going to wash her at three while listening to Fresh Air. I forgot. I got it done shortly before five pm. I can see her skin clearly when she's wet. I could see patches of redness that were not there when I washed her every other day. I may have to wash her tomorrow, too. 

I watched Call Me Kate, a documentary about Katherine Hepburn's life. Holy cow! Her life had its idyllic moments, and others were sustained agony. She coped magnificently.

 

 

Thursday, June 1, 2023

Thursday, June 1, 2023

    I weighed 146.5 lbs. this morning after eating 23 nuggets yesterday.   

   My acupuncturist came over at 10 a.m. and worked on my left arm. In the two weeks since I last saw her, I discovered that my problem with my left arm was caused by problems with the right side of my neck and the deltoid muscles on the same side. I concentrated on relaxing those muscles, improving my left side's discomfort. She worked on that and the muscles running down either side of my spine.

       The acupuncturist told me her family just adopted a puppy. I told her about the loose dog in our neighborhood. I saw her for the first time last night as I walked with Darby. I learned Olga, Mario, and Carol were working on capturing this poor dog. When he was first noticed, people immediately assumed she was lost. Carol said he wandered up people's driveways looking for something. No one had been able to catch him, although many tried. Now, Olga is putting food out for him every day. She is hoping to get close enough to throw a noose over him.  

     I planned to call the Humane Society and the Police about the dog, assuming someone lost him. After speaking to Carol, I learned the Humane Society is on overload and will take no more dogs. Carol said everyone concluded this poor dog was abandoned. People are being forced off the island because of the housing shortage. Since the Humane Society wasn't providing refuge, people dropped their dogs off in a neighborhood where they hoped someone would take pity on the animal. That is happening here. Except for Lutz, who proposes killing her with one swift blow to his head because the dog chased a chicken, everyone wants to help the puppy.

I told the acupuncturist the story about our neighborhood dog. She told me about another no-kill shelter, Aloha Ioli, where she got her puppy. They try to find the owners, neuter the animals, and find foster care and people prepared to adopt them. It sounds like a good possibility. I called Carol immediately to let her know. She hadn't heard about it.

Paulette called to tell me they found a possible source of the infection, a boil. It hadn't been prominent before she went to the hospital. It developed while she was there. Noticing it, she pointed it out to a nurse. She saw a problem but didn't know if it was connected to her sepsis. The doctors ordered a CAT scan. The image showed it was nothing to get excited about. They assumed it couldn't be the source of the sepsis. However, they did plan to deal with it. 

Important relationships are not going well.  

My friend Melissa came over, as planned. She brought fresh flowers, freshly picked St. John's wort, and a new sealed box of tea. I served her some tea the last time she was here, and the bag fell apart. Our teas maybe fifteen to twenty years old. Mike and I weren't hoarders; we just didn't get around to throwing away things we didn't use. We talked about medicine, she's a doctor, and religion and told funny stories. We enjoy each other's company. Lovely! 

 Paulette called. She would be coming home on Sunday. They found an abscess, which was the cause of her borderline sepsis. Since they drained it, her white count had dropped percipiticiouly, from 30,000 to 13,000. She told me that under 10,000 is normal. The hospital will only discharge her once they know the type of bacteria causing the infection so they can target it specifically with antibiotics.  

 I found a second suspicious bump on Elsa's skin this morning. It was four days since I bathed her last. I was going to wash her at three while listening to Fresh Air. I forgot. I got it done shortly before five pm. I can see her skin clearly when she's wet. I could see patches of redness that were not there when I washed her every other day. I may have to wash her tomorrow, too. 

 I watched Call Me Kate, a documentary about Katherine Hepburn's life. Holy cow! Her life had its idyllic moments, and others were sustained agony. She coped magnificently.

Important relationships are not going well.  

 

Wednesday, May 31, 2023

 Wednesday, May 31, 2023

   

     I heard from Judy later in the evening. Paulette was borderline septic and would have to stay in the hospital for three days. It was not a flu.   

When I walked Elsa this morning, she only produced a bit, several small bits. When I got home, I found several more small bits on the lanai carpet.

I met with Mama K's crew this morning at 8:30. She said Monday and Wednesday would work for her; she would be home. I convinced her to try Fridays, too, but it would mean counting on the kids to sign in on their own.

I started with fourth-grade K. I asked him how he felt about our work. Boring. Boring could mean anything: too easy, too hard, not an interesting topic, tired, would prefer to play video games, etc. The word boring gives a limited amount of information. We worked on a passage requiring him to retell what he knew and compare ravioli with pierogi. He said that it wasn't boring because he had to think. That's who I thought this kid was years ago. He may like to think, but it only sometimes gets good results. What's going on? Where is he going wrong? Or is he overthinking for his grade level? If true, he will develop his mental style as he ages.

I started working on third-grade material with Twin A. She needs help to do this. We will reread this piece a little at a time and then repeatedly. We are working on decoding multi-syllable words. She rose to the challenge. She works hard and applies what I teach her. 

While Twin A worked on third-grade material, Twin E struggled at a first-grade level. She reread a passage we had read before. She did well up to a point and then collapsed. I wondered if she collapsed because she got tired or because we hit the part of the story we hadn't read before. Even if the latter is the case, her recall of the first 4/5 of the passage was good. It shows some improvement in her memory. We will work on that passage again in our next session.  

As usual, Adolescent D had done nothing on his own. He hadn't cracked the Driver's Manual. I made it clear to him that while there were only 30 questions on the test, that was out of 177 possible questions that could be on the test. At this rate, he would be thirty when he was ready to take the test. It is his perfectionism that has put him in this spot. He refuses to do anything he can't do well immediately. Good luck! 

There was good news. Today, D remembered the rule that c is pronounced as an /s/ when it comes before an e, i, or y. This is the first time he got it. I nearly wept.

His mom also told me he jumped a whole grade level in his reading from 5th grade to sixth grade. That means he jumped from a first—or second-grade level to the fifth in our first year. He made amazing progress, mostly through my effort. Think of how much better he would be if he did some work independently. 

Steven's mother called to talk about his progress. He was still fighting working with the sight word drill cards but did fine reading the words in context. Steven has problems doing what he doesn't want to do. He is very bright and will be ahead of everyone else once he gets rolling. Steven is currently doing fourth-grade math in Kindergarten. He also can talk for a good ten minutes about the planets in an organized and sophisticated way.

Mike's niece called. She and her son visited me last year around this time. Besides catching up, I asked her if she could help me with ChatGBT. Damon sent me a Mother's Day poem written by the AI program. It was trite and didn't always make sense, but it was sweet.  

She met me in a Zoom session to show me how to use the program. I asked it to contrast reading teaching methods; phonics, whole language, and phoneme /grapheme instruction. It did a pretty good job. It didn't cover all my thoughts, but it's a good start.

Shivani has done a lot of writing. She instructed ChapGBT to write in her voice. It sounded something like her, but it was terrible. Cylin, who is a published writer, did the same thing. She said it sounded like her writing from years ago.

I checked my YouTube, The Phonics Discovery System channel, and videos. Nothing. They were not on YouTube- not a trace. My numbers had been relatively good- for a poor little non-celebrity video: Phase I -415, Phase II- 130, The Five Stories – 276, and 18 subscribers. It's all gone. Oh, dear. I didn't panic; that was pretty good for me. I would figure it out the next day. When Scott walked in, I told him what happened. He said he would help me tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 30, 2023

 Tuesday, May 30, 2023

      I heard the doggie door flap as I lay in bed. I sat up and checked if Elsa was sleeping on the other side of the bed. If not, it would mean some other animal had gotten in. She was gone. A minute later, I heard the door again, Elsa flapping her ears as she shook her head and returned to bed. Great news! I'd seen evidence that she knew how and when to use the doggie door, but it is always good to see it again.

     I was up late this morning, seven-thirty, so I fed Elsa before we went on a walk. As we left the driveway,  I ran into my neighbor from across the street, heading in the opposite direction. We stopped to talk. I proposed we walk together in the direction she was going. She was on her last lap at the end of her walk before heading home.  

       She asked me if Judy was okay. She hadn't seen her for a while. At first, I didn't know what Marcia was talking about. Where would she have seen Judy regularly?  She always saw her driving back and forth. Ah! Now I got it. I explained. The Turo business Judy and Paulette had been driving for wasn't getting any customers, and they were let go.

     During COVID, the car rental companies had no business and sold all their cars. Visitors to the island were dependent on Turo. Everyone and his uncle started their own business. There was one guy with a fleet of eighty cars. The Turo business was booming. Then, the car rental companies returned, renting for less than the Turo providers. My neighbor told me renting from a car company was cheaper than Uber. The car rental companies were coming back with a vengeance.  

   I had no tutoring sessions today. I had trouble getting myself in gear. I did a Yoga Go session. I also walked up to Judy and Paulette's to deliver the limes Yvette had dropped off yesterday. I kept some, but Judy's husband loves them. I called out when I got there. I wanted to check on Paulette anyway. She was feeling somewhat better than yesterday. I hoped she was well on her way to recovery by now. Judy called out., "Don't come in. Paulette's very sick." She was worse off than she had been the other day. This is a concern. She'd been running a high fever since Friday. Judy said it was a virus; there was nothing a doctor could do. It just had to work itself out.  

     I caught Elsa sniffing around the corner of the lanai. Oh, oh. I called her. I was going to walk her on the street. Instead, I led her out to the back lanai. She had no trouble dropping her load there. Once I was sure what she was doing, I ducked inside and let her get back in through the doggie door. I hoped she'd learn to do that when she had to poop instead of using my carpeted lanai. Nature's Miracle with a Rainbow vacuum chaser does a great job, but I would prefer not having to use that.      

    Brian came over to work on the printer. He came to the same conclusion Scott and I had; the printer was outdated. Its software couldn't connect to the newer computers. Brian replaces his printer every two to three years. Mike and I brought this printer with us from Ohio in 2015. It was considerably more than two years old. The manual typewriter my mother brought from Germany was with us to the bitter end. She came over in 1937 and died in 2001. They don't make things like they used to.  

     Brian and Scott were both giving me grief over working with two different systems: my Apple and my Microsoft Surface Pro. Brian proposed having all my data stored in a Network. It sounds less vulnerable than iCloud or One Drive, which I use to communicate between the two computers.  

     Around 7 pm, I got a text from Paulette saying she was in the Emergency Room getting tests.   Thank God she was finally under a doctor's care.

Monday, May 29, 2023

 Monday, May 29, 2023

     This morning, my weight was down a pound to 145.5 lbs. While I couldn’t count the kisses I ate, there were plenty.

       The other day, I learned that Judy’s printer wasn’t working, either. She couldn’t get it to connect to her computer via WiFi. Brian, who installed her WiFi system, and mine worked on hers and couldn’t get it to work. She concluded she needed a new one. Mine worked before I got my new computer, and it worked when I had it in Bailey’s store. If it worked then, why didn’t it work now? Scott took on the project of making it work. 

   He searched the Internet for solutions. He finally called Brian. I don’t feel comfortable calling him. I have complained that the service blanks out randomly. Suddenly, I don’t have an internet connection. Whenever I call Brian, he insists it is not a problem with his connection. Scott experienced it, too. He switched to Yvette and Josh’s WiFi to avoid the problem.

     I spent many hours writing someone to clear up a problem between us. We see a situation very differently. It is exhausting and frightening. With some people, pointing out a difference in perspective is easier, if not downright fun. Resolving differences is a pleasure. In this case, it is difficult. The flow of communication is lousy.

     Second grade M’s dad called and asked if we could meet sooner today. They had to go to a basketball game in the afternoon. I wondered if we could talk about the summer schedule, how many days a week, and when. He said early would be better than later. I agreed to meet at noon.

    M and I had been working on comprehension. Once she answered only from her background knowledge without paying attention to what the author said, she answered questions at a much higher level. I want to continue with the comprehension, but I asked her if she wanted to do some writing this summer. She loved the idea. Did she want to work on fiction or non-fiction? She didn’t know. I picked fiction. She started writing about the planets. Oh, well. We’ll sort that out some other time. I wanted to ride the wave of enthusiasm.   

    She dictated something about the moon. What is the difference between a moon and a planet? She thought the moon was a dead planet. That would make Mars a moon; that didn’t work. I checked it on the Internet. She read the passages. Spoiler alert:  A planet revolves around the sun; a moon revolves around a planet. M asked if Mars and the moon changed positions, would Mars be a moon then and the ‘moon’ a planet? Yeah! There’s no difference in substance. It was a fun session. I will be working on research, thinking skills, writing, as well as reading.

      At two pm, I had a session with Adolescent D.  Did he want to work on the Driver’s Manual in preparation for taking the test?. Eh! He was neutral. On Friday, he was vehemently opposed. Did he remember that? No. I just opened the file where I had copied many of the questions on the test. There are one hundred seventy-seven possible test questions in the book. Each test will only have thirty questions; the test taker has to get twenty-five of the thirty correct to pass. If this boy can’t remember an emotional session from three days ago, how will he remember the answers to the test questions? Today, I quickly tested him on questions one through six. He remembered the answers. But that was all short-term memory. Will he get the information in and out of long-term memory? If not, how will he pass the test? When asked if he had a 90-day grace period when he could continue driving even if his license had expired. He said yes. I don’t think so! He doesn’t always show signs of common sense.

 

Sunday, May 28, 2023

Sunday, May 28, 2023

     I weighed 146.5 lbs this morning. I didn’t count how much chocolate I ate. I opened a bag of Hersey’s milk chocolate kisses with almonds. I get an accurate count of the nuggets because I count each wrapper.   

     I had church this morning. I called Paulette on the way there. She was sick with a fever of 101.5. Holy moly! That is a high temperature for a seventy-year-old. She was skipping church today. Judy gave her a COVID test. Negative. Paulette thought she probably caught it at the mass or the celebratory meal for Arrion. During mass, I spent most of the time praying my little heart out for a family in self-created distress. The kids are going off the rails because the parents are. It is distressing to watch. There’s not much else I can do. Whatever is going on, it’s serious enough for someone to report them to Child Protective Services.   

     Immediately after the mass, I approached a young couple I knew. I asked them their baby’s name. Julian. Paulette had assigned me the job of getting it several weeks ago. I asked the mother if they had been off-island. No, they had been camping for two weeks, and returned in time for the 4 pm mass last Sunday, celebrating Fr. Arrion’s first mass as a priest.    

     I remembered she was a school teacher and asked if I could interest her in learning the method I worked with. Yes. She would love to. They are always interested in learning new approaches. She taught kindergarten last year but would be teaching first grade next year.  

   I followed Judy out of the church, wanting to say hello. She brushed me aside, anxious to speak to a woman. She consoled her. Did she lose her husband? No, her forty-year-old son had died unexpectedly. How do you cope with a loss like that?  

     I had a five-dollar coupon from Long’s. I stopped by and bought more Hersey’s milk chocolate nuggets with almonds and metal brush picks for my teeth. Then, I stopped off at the transfer station. No one is emptying our glass barrel. I have a smaller garbage pail I fill and dump each time I go to town. The large garbage pail will be emptied a bit at a time.  

    I heard that donating money to pay down the national debt is possible. I have thought that would be a good idea for a while. If every man, woman, and child donated $1, we would reduce the debt by $331,900,000; that’s three hundred thirty-one million dollars. If every man, woman, and child donated $10, we would reduce the debt by three billion, three hundred nineteen dollars.   That doesn’t resolve the debt, but it would be a start. Of course, as with all good ideas, there’s a downside. If we reduce the debt, what will conservatives do with the money? Will they give benefits to the rich? Would they invest more in the military? Would they share the wealth with the poor? Would they provide free higher education? What would they do with MY money? The money would only be used to pay off the debt, but there are ripple effects. 

Do I trust politicians? Not on a bet. But this vast debt can’t be good for us in the USA or the rest of the world.   

     I signed on to Zoom for my 4 pm session with second-grade M.  Her father called me to apologize; they were just leaving from a basketball game. No worries. This family makes mistakes, but they are always appreciative of my work and my time.

   Over dinner, I heard my neighbors angrily screaming and cursing to beat the band. My first thought was their son was home for the summer. But as I listened, it sounded like they were yelling at the dogs. How can yelling hysterically calm dogs?    

   I finished watching Ted Lasso on Apple TV. It was right up my alley. Damon had recommended I watch it. He knew I would love it, and I did.  

Saturday, May 27, 2023

Saturday, May 27, 2023

      I had salmon for dinner last night. The last time I made it, it was perfect. Tonight, not so much. I set the toaster oven for twenty minutes and headed for my evening walk. It was more than twenty minutes before I got back. The salmon continued to cook as the oven cooled down. The fish was dry and tasteless.  

     I weighed 146 this morning after scarfing down twenty-two nuggets yesterday. I hoped accounting would help inhibit my urges, but it doesn't work.  

   Unfortunately, I shared some of the defrosted salmon juice with Elsa. I gave her less this time because of the results last time, but I can't resist giving her some because she loves it so much. There were results today, too. She didn't have diarrhea, but I found stains on the sheets on her side of the bed this morning. I think she had gas.  

   I did an online yoga session this morning. I have been doing it more frequently. I signed up for Yoga Go a while ago. The original sessions were much too hard for me. When I scrolled down, I discovered they had easier versions, Chair Yoga and Yoga for Beginners. I have done several chair yoga sessions. I did one today. Anything helps; anything is better than nothing. Just watching a video helps stimulate the muscles. Besides doing an easy one, I could watch one of the more challenging sessions daily.

      I had problems with my printer. It wouldn't print. It said it was offline. I connected it to the Wifi, and it still said it was offline. I called Judy to see if she could print something out for me. She was having the same problem. Brian installed her Internet service as well as mine. Scott and I even tried to hardwire the connection between the printer and the computer. That didn't work, either. Brian tried to fix Judy's but couldn't. He told her she needed a new printer. My printer worked just fine when I took it to Bailey. There's nothing wrong with my printer. Bailey said the problem was we needed to select the correct printer. I may return to Bailey to see what he can do with this problem. 

    I got up-to-date on my updates. This is a rare place to be. I did some house cleaning. Everything was gentle and easy. I did more research on Hawaiikidscan. They link their name with Air Tutoring and with 50can. Air Tutoring pays tutors; 50 Can tutors are volunteers. There was nothing clear about the application process.   Found a number for Air Tutoring. I got a general message. "If you want to work for us, send an email." Nothing about what was supposed to be in that email. Most people would assume that there is an online application. Why did they want an email? I got an acknowledgment email saying they received mine; they would evaluate my credentials and let me know if I qualified. I sent a second email with my resume, the short version. School is over; no one has called to hire me for tutoring. My current clients are taking off for the summer. It doesn't look good.   

 

 

Friday, May 26, 2023

 Friday, May 26, 2023

 I woke up early and dozed. At four a.m., I checked my Tesla app for the solar system. I was running at .8 kwh. That's the lowest we ever go. I looked on the Internet for information on how much electricity the average home uses per day. It listed Hawaii as 17 kwh a day; we use fifty. Of course, we are three households; 3 x 17 = 51. Not too bad.  

                            I get anxious when I force myself to stay in bed. You would think I would know better by now. Lying there, I dwell on things that are not going well. Meditation helps, but action has its role too. I'm almost as good a procrastinator as Adolescent D. He's a life lesson for me. What's on my to-do list? Completing some legal paperwork in addition to my will, making videos on my teaching method, many of them, writing articles about my work and on reading, getting rid of the remaining 3,000 of Mike's books, and renovating the library into a bedroom.

            I checked Elsa while I hugged and kissed her. She thinks it's a love-in fest, but I look for lesions. I found a small one on her neck and treated it with steroid cream. As I checked her belly, I saw her skin was red- a sure sign of inflammation. I bathed her, and her skin looked better almost immediately. I had waited three days between baths. That seems too long. I can do it every other day. Now, bathing her is routine. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. She doesn't seem to mind being bathed; she doesn't run and hide when she sees me preparing the sink.

           I had an appointment with Adolescent D at 2 p.m. He didn't show up immediately. He's out of school now. The schedule gets wonky over the summer. People don't show because they've made arrangements with friends, etc. I asked him what he wanted to work on, his book Investing for Young Adults or the written DMV driver's test. He said he didn't want to work on the driver's test. I asked why. "It doesn't feel right." Here we go again! He can decide not to take the written test but at the price of never being a licensed driver. Was he prepared to pay that price? He didn't say yes to that, but he still refused to work on studying for the test. He actually requested to work on his resistance.  

    He said doing so felt weird. He's brought that up before. He avoids doing something because it feels weird to do it. I asked him to locate the unpleasant feeling in his body. In the past, his response has just been, "I don't know. It just doesn't feel good." Today, he could tell it was on the right side of his neck. I did a pull-out. I saw a growling face. I asked him to see himself growl. The release slopped. He agreed it made him feel uncomfortable to feel anger. Yes, he is afraid of his anger. Why? He's scared of hurting someone and afraid of being an outcast. Wow! He is so much better at articulating his thoughts and feelings. Has he ever hurt someone? Yes. Who? A member of his family. Which one? His sister. He hit her. When? He made it sound like he hit her last year or this year. Did she have to go to the hospital? No. He had lost control.  

     I told him my story. I lived in the Bronx when I was twelve years old. In the city, students received transportation passes to ride on the city's buses and trains. I took a bus to and from school every day. One day, on my way home from school, I got on the bus and spotted a single aisle seat. I grabbed it. The boy beside me said, "You can't sit here. I saved it for my friend. "I told him he couldn't save the seat. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor, and his friend was in the seat. Well! I stood up and said, "Mary, hold my books!" and proceeded to pound on that boy's head until my bus stop, laughing hysterically the whole time. No one stopped me, and the boy survived. When we see someone lose control, it puts the observers in a helpless, altered state. I was in an altered state myself.  

     After I calmed down, I freaked out. I thought I must have something seriously wrong with me. Did I belong in a mental institution to ensure I never hurt another person? That didn't happen, but I never rode that bus again. Mary walked the mile to and from school every day with me. She was a good friend.  

     I had one other incident when I lost control when I was nineteen. That time I just screamed at someone in a booming voice. The problem wasn't the voice, although it was inappropriately loud and intense; the problem was I had lost control again.  

     Many years later, a therapist told the story of her own experience with anger, not hers but her brother's. He would angrily chase her around the house, trying to grab her by the hair. He was so angry. he once put his fist right through a wooden door she had just slammed in his face. However, he never did her any serious physical harm. See how much damage you do before you worry about your anger. 

     Most of the session was devoted to the conceptual foundation for the deeper psychological work. All psychological work should be safe, comfortable, easy, fun, and effective. Effective means the client feels the work makes sense and feels right. If they don't, nothing is going to happen anyway. A client's resistance is important. It gives valuable information as to their actual needs.   

      D said all my lecturing made it a little better, which was what I was hoping for. It's the foundation for the work to come. If he doesn't see change as worthwhile or possible, there's no point in doing the work.

 

S

Thursday, May 25, 2023

 Thursday, May 25, 2023

  I got up early today. My first alarm is always at five-thirty. On Thursday, I set a second for six am to make sure I get my walk in before we have driveway yoga. I was out of the house before six. Walking down the mountain as I returned home, I caught the most amazing rainbow I had ever seen. I captured it in a photo before the rising sun erased it from the sky. The colors were brilliant. The shape was one I had never seen before. It was almost entirely vertical. It came out of a dark cloud and pierced the water below.   

   I saw David, a neighbor from a parallel street, coming up the hill. I yelled for him to turn around. He did, casually looking over his shoulder. I yelled to him to turn further. He finally caught the rainbow. It would have been too late if I had waited until we were abreast. The sun was rising rapidly, fading the rainbow.  

    In anticipation of my July 13 THR surgery, I picked up a raised toilet seat today. You can no longer rent medical equipment that makes contact with water-forget someone’s body. I called the church last year to ask if anyone knew someone who provided this service. They gave me the name of a woman who offered medical equipment for free. Even though I called close to the surgery date, she still had what I needed available. I got the message; I was lucky. I should have contacted her much sooner. That’s why I called her now, to get my name on her calendar for July. She told me she was selling her house and had already gotten rid of all her equipment but had a raised toilet seat without handles. Was that good enough for me? Yep. After the last surgery, I had no trouble getting on and off the seat. She said she wouldn’t be home and would leave it in her carport.  

     I stopped at the bank before I went home. I had a check from first-grade M’s parents for April. There was no line to speak of, and I was in and out quickly. I stopped at the transfer station to drop off a container of glass bottles. I love the transfer station. Mike made it a must-see site for our visitors to Kona.

  Judy found an article in the newspaper about a tutoring agency specifically for Hawaiian students, Hawaiikidscan, Air Tutors. I found it online and started the application process. I’m not sure if they do it for free or charge. I’m not interested in working for an agency that charges for several reasons. It’s not that I don’t like to make money; I do. I don’t care to work for an agency that charges poor people, rips off the tutors who work through the online service, and then calls themselves a non-profit.  

    The tutoring agency advertises highly qualified tutors. For their preliminary scan, they ask if you have a high school diploma. How highly qualified can someone be if all they have is that? We’ll see.  

      It took me a while to figure out how to apply. The article and the Hawaiikidscan site didn’t make it clear. As far as I can figure out, I must apply through Air Tutors. I started the preliminary application. They wanted a resume. I had to find an old one on the computer. I found one I wrote in 2014 when I first moved here. No one was impressed enough to allow me to volunteer.  

  It was my last night with the Firefly Lane girls. Their relationship had a quality I loved; it felt real to me. I missed them.