Saturday, June 3, 2023

 Saturday, June 3, 2023

     I scheduled a Zoom session with second-grade M for nine-thirty. We had made enough progress for her to feel comfortable to say she wanted to work on reading comprehension rather than writing. We reviewed the story we read last Monday. She did an excellent job summarizing the story and answering questions. Then, the Zoom froze. Then Zoom went dead. I moved from my Surface Pro tablet to my Apple MacBook. I could connect, but it didn’t allow me to share files. If Zoom dies on me, my tutoring work is dead. That would be scary. I had to end the session. I won’t be charging for it.  

    

 The day was a struggle. I felt like every cell of my body was vibrating. I have had this feeling at other times. I had no idea why. Sometimes, it was not attached to any particular thoughts or feelings. Today, I wasn’t so lucky. I was obsessing about a negative situation. I was in despair. Since I had this feeling before, I wondered if something was wrong with me physically. I had bad feelings in my body, and I confused them with bad emotional feelings. I checked to see if there was any information about it online. Sure enough. Anxiety.   

 

  I have been anxious all my life; I spent my youth in terror. I just outran the fear. I was a ball of energy and intensity. I remember feeling that I was always trying to catch Niagara Falls in a saucepan. It wasn’t a great feeling, but I made it through without serious consequences. 

Pretty amazing. 

 

I coped the way Katherine Hepburn did, but she was much better at it than I was- in one sense. Her professional determination and success are admirable. That woman stuck to her guns at a time when doing so was lethal for a woman. I was more successful in my relationship with Mike. Tracey acted out his self-hatred for himself on Hepburn, constantly putting her down. He was a roaring drunk. She had to be on set with him so the director could get work out of him. That was a tragic set of circumstances. What she did get to do was love with all her heart. Being able to do that is a great gift, regardless.

 

I complained about my circumstances to Judy and Damon. Judy has some tolerance for it. It wears Damon down to a nub. I have told him to protect himself and tell me to shut up. Going over the circumstances endlessly doesn’t help- for the most part. Fortunately or unfortunately, I find that dwelling on a problem can help. There is always an exit- one way or another. Something changes in me if I dwell on looking for the exit instead of just bemoaning my fate. I find the way out. In the meantime, I suffer from the circumstances and thinking about the problem obsessively.

   The need for a sounding board reminds me of a story of a brilliant mathematician who couldn’t think unless he was talking to someone. He hired someone to sit and listen to him. I don’t believe the person had to know anything about math. They just had to listen to him ramble. The mathematician wrote the formulas on a blackboard. He may have had his back to his ‘listener’. The guy, I assume it was a guy, that they were both guys, could have read while he listened. Everything would be good as long as he looked alert when his boss turned around.  

     I called Paulette. She was coming home today instead of Sunday. She thought Judy said she would be there by two pm and was ready to go home. There was a misunderstanding. Judy was there by five. I saw them as they drove down our street. Paulette didn’t look great. 

    People have different standards of good behavior. Obligation and sacrifice are part of every moment of life, no less part of relationships. Joyless obligation and sacrifice should only be a small aspect of any relationship. There are always those periods of dead air in relationships when you just soldier on, acting as if,  hoping the air clears.   

     For some people, joyless obligation and sacrifice are signs of true virtue. They strive to achieve it; they look for opportunities to sacrifice themselves. Sacrifice like that breeds resentment, especially if it is not fully appreciated. Sacrifice with joy requires no acknowledgment.

 Also, I hear the word sacrifice used just when it means not doing what you want and doing what someone else wants. Holy cow! Again, there are times when this is necessary, but accommodating someone else’s needs can be a joy. Modifying your expectations is fun. It’s an adventure. You’re not quite sure of the path; you explore new territory.   

  People talk about traveling to see things they haven’t seen before. Modifying my wants is a way of exploring the unexpected. So far, that has worked very well for me. I haven’t seen joyless sacrifice work out so well. Maybe it’s because I don’t recognize its value and don’t affirm the people who do it. 

       Everything is done for a self-centered reason. Only the other person can determine if my behavior is selfish. If  I never take them into consideration, I would agree. However, if the other person’s definition of unselfish behavior is to always do what they want without considering my own needs -eh, I don’t think so. 

    I get why I had trouble with therapists. I had this one crazy one who would make assumptions about me that were blatantly untrue. I don’t mean what I thought or felt; I mean about things I had done in my life or my relationship with Mike. She assumed I had never held a real job. She never even felt the need to ask. Wild. I suspect people see that I will always seek to do things I enjoy doing. That’s true. But I enjoy making accommodations for others. Judy says that’s rare in a person. Really? That’s sad.

    I watched the end of Call Me Kate. At the end of Spencer Tracey’s life, Hepburn lived with and cared for him. When he died, she quickly packed up all her things. She always did that when Tracey’s wife was called. Both Tracey and his wife were devout Catholics. While he left his wife and entertained other women, he never divorced. He lived with crippling guilt. Hepburn approached his widow after his death and suggested they be friends. His wife was surprised. She thought the relationship between Hepburn and her husband was just a rumor. She was shocked he had a long-term relationship with another woman. We all live in worlds of our own creation, don’t we?