Friday, May 26, 2023
I woke up early and dozed. At four a.m., I checked my Tesla app for the solar system. I was running at .8 kwh. That's the lowest we ever go. I looked on the Internet for information on how much electricity the average home uses per day. It listed Hawaii as 17 kwh a day; we use fifty. Of course, we are three households; 3 x 17 = 51. Not too bad.
I get anxious when I force myself to stay in bed. You would think I would know better by now. Lying there, I dwell on things that are not going well. Meditation helps, but action has its role too. I'm almost as good a procrastinator as Adolescent D. He's a life lesson for me. What's on my to-do list? Completing some legal paperwork in addition to my will, making videos on my teaching method, many of them, writing articles about my work and on reading, getting rid of the remaining 3,000 of Mike's books, and renovating the library into a bedroom.
I checked Elsa while I hugged and kissed her. She thinks it's a love-in fest, but I look for lesions. I found a small one on her neck and treated it with steroid cream. As I checked her belly, I saw her skin was red- a sure sign of inflammation. I bathed her, and her skin looked better almost immediately. I had waited three days between baths. That seems too long. I can do it every other day. Now, bathing her is routine. I don't feel stressed about it anymore. She doesn't seem to mind being bathed; she doesn't run and hide when she sees me preparing the sink.
I had an appointment with Adolescent D at 2 p.m. He didn't show up immediately. He's out of school now. The schedule gets wonky over the summer. People don't show because they've made arrangements with friends, etc. I asked him what he wanted to work on, his book Investing for Young Adults or the written DMV driver's test. He said he didn't want to work on the driver's test. I asked why. "It doesn't feel right." Here we go again! He can decide not to take the written test but at the price of never being a licensed driver. Was he prepared to pay that price? He didn't say yes to that, but he still refused to work on studying for the test. He actually requested to work on his resistance.
He said doing so felt weird. He's brought that up before. He avoids doing something because it feels weird to do it. I asked him to locate the unpleasant feeling in his body. In the past, his response has just been, "I don't know. It just doesn't feel good." Today, he could tell it was on the right side of his neck. I did a pull-out. I saw a growling face. I asked him to see himself growl. The release slopped. He agreed it made him feel uncomfortable to feel anger. Yes, he is afraid of his anger. Why? He's scared of hurting someone and afraid of being an outcast. Wow! He is so much better at articulating his thoughts and feelings. Has he ever hurt someone? Yes. Who? A member of his family. Which one? His sister. He hit her. When? He made it sound like he hit her last year or this year. Did she have to go to the hospital? No. He had lost control.
I told him my story. I lived in the Bronx when I was twelve years old. In the city, students received transportation passes to ride on the city's buses and trains. I took a bus to and from school every day. One day, on my way home from school, I got on the bus and spotted a single aisle seat. I grabbed it. The boy beside me said, "You can't sit here. I saved it for my friend. "I told him he couldn't save the seat. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor, and his friend was in the seat. Well! I stood up and said, "Mary, hold my books!" and proceeded to pound on that boy's head until my bus stop, laughing hysterically the whole time. No one stopped me, and the boy survived. When we see someone lose control, it puts the observers in a helpless, altered state. I was in an altered state myself.
After I calmed down, I freaked out. I thought I must have something seriously wrong with me. Did I belong in a mental institution to ensure I never hurt another person? That didn't happen, but I never rode that bus again. Mary walked the mile to and from school every day with me. She was a good friend.
I had one other incident when I lost control when I was nineteen. That time I just screamed at someone in a booming voice. The problem wasn't the voice, although it was inappropriately loud and intense; the problem was I had lost control again.
Many years later, a therapist told the story of her own experience with anger, not hers but her brother's. He would angrily chase her around the house, trying to grab her by the hair. He was so angry. he once put his fist right through a wooden door she had just slammed in his face. However, he never did her any serious physical harm. See how much damage you do before you worry about your anger.
Most of the session was devoted to the conceptual foundation for the deeper psychological work. All psychological work should be safe, comfortable, easy, fun, and effective. Effective means the client feels the work makes sense and feels right. If they don't, nothing is going to happen anyway. A client's resistance is important. It gives valuable information as to their actual needs.
D said all my lecturing made it a little better, which was what I was hoping for. It's the foundation for the work to come. If he doesn't see change as worthwhile or possible, there's no point in doing the work.
S
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