God, I miss Mike’s hugs and kisses. If I told him I had bad interactions with people who aren’t comfortable with discussions when there is an uncomfortable difference of opinion, he would hold and comfort me. We loved hugging and did so several times a day for no reason except that it felt so good. Judy reassured me verbally; that was good, but it’s not quite the same. I just wanted to cry.
The good news is that my back is doing pretty well. To be on the safe side, I didn’t do my long Sunday walk. Instead, I planned to go on a two-hour tour of a chocolate farm that Kathrin and Mike organized for a group. As I sit here and write, I can feel a twinge in my back. Hopefully, it isn’t worse.
I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen counters, which I had planned to do yesterday. They weren’t as dirty as all that.
Judy and Paulette picked me up for church. I shared how devastated I was by the communication problems I was experiencing. Judy hugged me; she reminded me that I understood what I asked these people to do was difficult for them. She told me that what was happening now was trivial compared to what I went to with the loss of Mike. I thought for a minute and responded, no, this was worse. Everything I did with Mike was based on love. These experiences are based on conflict, anger, and fear. People have sneered at me because I don’t see it their way. I have zero tolerance for this response, even when I understand why the other person responds that way. It doesn’t help.
Rather than napping, I went to Home Depot to buy some equipment for extending gutter downspouts. I purchased several different pieces, all of which cost under $20.
Because of my potential back issue, I took my walking sticks with me when I went on the chocolate farm tour. We got information about what makes for a good cacao orchard and what makes for a good tree. Tall trees, called Madre de cacao, provide shade for the cacao trees, which don’t do well with intense sun. The leaves of the cacao tree can form hard flooring, which cultivates mold. Solution: Many chickens poking the ground, looking for insects breaking up the leaves. Water is an issue, but I can’t remember what the criterion was. The flowers are tiny, tiny. The pods are colorful and the size of Nerf footballs. They come in globe shapes, too.
The guide broke up some pods that looked hard but could be cracked open on a rock like an egg. The insides are bean-sized seeds covered with a white film. All of it can be eaten. However, only the beans are used to make chocolate, while the outer shell can be used to make tea. We started popping these seeds into our mouths. When I told Judy about our experience, she said she once ate about ten of those seeds when her neighbor gave her some. She said she experienced something like an acid trip. It was not good. The ones she had were already air-dried or roasted, which may make a difference in their potency. I sure hope so. I would hate to have been hallucinating on my drive home.
The second part of the tour was indoors, where we tasted dried seeds from different strains of cacao plants and chocolate. Chocolate made only with the seed and sugar, period end of sentence — dark chocolate at its finest. The taste was completely different from any dark chocolate I’ve ever tasted. I usually find dark chocolate bitter. I think the guide explained that the bitterness comes when the beans are roasted rather than air-dried, which takes much longer.
On the way home, I worked on pinching my right scapula back, as Mike recommended. By the time I got home, my back was out again. The question is, is this back-and-forth part of a healing process or part of the beginning of the end. However, this problem has nothing to do with my left hip. THR won’t do anything about this problem. It’s all on the right side — a totally new problem.
Yvette and Josh came up to talk to me. We had some issues to be resolved. Josh went first. This was one of the best conversations we have had in a long time. While Yvette was here, I asked her to walk Elsa because of my back. When she got back, we had a long, satisfying hug.
We had talked about Elsa. She is not an affectionate animal. She needs a lot of attention: rub my belly, throw a ball, but she doesn’t cuddle for the sheer pleasure of being in my company. She doesn’t even follow me around the house. I think she did that with Mike. Wherever he was, she was. She was at his feet or in his lap if he was sleeping on the lanai. If he was in bed, she was next to him. If he was in the library, there was Elsa. Not with me. If I was with him, she might be nowhere to be found. Yvette suggested I return her to her breeder and get a dog that addresses my needs. I can hear Mike screaming from here. While she is not perfect, she provides some companionship and something to consider besides me.
I watched some TV and went to bed.
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Musings:
Sandor sent me a piece on altruism from a theological perspective. It contrasts doing things that only benefit the self with things that help others. Biological altruism is when we do things that benefit others in expectation of reciprocity. We are expecting something back. That getting something back is defined in material, physical, and political terms. But the something back can be the pleasure of having an opportunity to love- and I don’t mean sexually. Love is a drug of choice. It warms the body. I don’t know if it is the same as oxytocin or not.
Oxytocin is addictive. Combat soldiers can become addicted to the battle because of the bonding it produces and the deep caring they feel for their brothers in arms. Parents will do anything for their children. It is a pleasure to feel that you would happily do anything for another person. Pursuing that feeling is an act of self-interest and, yes, even ego. When I can say,” I am a loving person,” I get points for being a good person. I have a self-image I can live with. I have a mental state which makes it a pleasure to be alive. That all sounds like self-interest to me. Woe to the person who never experiences that joy. I can’t imagine how it feels never to have truly loved.
I distinguish craving someone to love and be loved by versus falling into that state almost by accident because it is your mental predisposition. Do I think anyone can achieve it? Yes. Once you have had an experience with it, you know what you’re looking for in yourself and in others who provide you with the opportunity to be loving. Being separated from that state is the worst. Everything else is bearable. Since that’s my view, I don’t see anything unselfish about it.
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