I had several chores planned for today before I went to school. I had packed up the car with Mike's jackets, the glass recycling, and copies of the London and NY Times Book Reviews. When I arrived at Bikram, I called Jean. I had a better chance of reaching her early in the morning. I was planning my usual brief: "Hello. I love you. Goodbye," honoring her request for no long exhausting phone calls. But today, she had something to say. She will be going home tomorrow at 11 am.
The yoga class went well. I worked on stretching the outer edge of my left foot and the left side of my left leg. When my class ended, I was in pain, the same pain that had been coming and going since September.
After class, I crab-walked into Island Naturals to buy pumpkin seeds, which I added to my salad. Delicious. Then I went looking for the Friendly Place, which serves the homeless, to donate Mike's winter jackets. I found it by accident; the storefront is not on the road but set back quite a bit. When I got back there, I found several buildings. I am wondering if they provide shelter, among other things. They weren't open until 10 am, and I had to be at the chiropractor by then.
I am still working with Dr. Kim's partner, Dr. Nancy. She has a different perspective and brings other skills to the process. She is making a valuable contribution. She sees that my current condition is not a spinal problem as I do. My right psoas and its antagonist's muscle are not functioning correctly. The psoas is too tight, and its antagonist is too weak. She muscle-tested me. She pulled on my ankles and asked me to resist her pull. All was good when she gripped my left ankle from the outer edge and pulled toward her, but I had no strength when she pulled on the right ankle. Surprise! When climbing stairs, the left leg is weaker. I had no idea about the problems I was having with my right side. Should I have had any lingering doubts, it is clear that the pain I am experiencing is due to muscle strain. As I shift more weight to my left leg, I am exposing the problems with those muscles on the right side of my body. This is great! I'm thrilled. I'm not so much doing damage to myself as I am exposing existing problems. It gives me something to work on, resulting in an even straighter spine. I am so excited. However, in the meantime, I am one of the walking wounded.
I did stop at Memory Lane to drop off the literary periodicals. I needed help getting them into the shop. I was bent over in pain and crab-walking into the store. I asked for help in the parking lot; two women rushed to help me. After I left there, I went to the Friendly Place to drop off the winter jackets. While it opened at 10, I didn't see where I was supposed to go. There were some people in the driveway, including one employee. She said she would call Lisa, an employee, and she would come out to meet me. I was to park by the gate. Lisa and another employee came out and took the jackets out of the trunk of my car. I didn't have to move.
I had planned to do more research on carpeting before going to school to tutor. I did get to Lowe's to check their tightly woven carpet samples. I found something I like better than the samples at Home Depot. I checked out the under-carpet foam samples. They have their samples hanging on a ring at the flooring desk. I asked for the best one. They showed me a thin air-filled foam. I know crap when I see it; if I press the stuff between my two fingers, it completely compresses. How is this their best? The denser material is cheaper. I want something that will act as sound insulation. I'm thinking maybe if I put the cheaper stuff down first and the expensive crap on top, that may be the most effective way to dull the sound of footsteps from above. Before I make my final decision, I will call Max, the man I met the other day at Lowe's, who belongs to Kona's flooring union.
I would go back to Home Depot to check out that expensive underfoam; was it 30 square feet or 30 linear feet in that roll? That will make a massive difference in cost. However, my back was bothering me so much, making all walking difficult. I texted the teachers at school to tell them that I was not coming today, went home, took 3 Advils, slathered my side with Salon Pas, grabbed an ice pack, and hit the couch. And that's where I stayed, occasionally dangling my right leg over the side of the sofa to stretch out the right psoas and do some contracting exercises to strengthen those back muscles.
I texted two parents whose children I had been working with and whom I hadn't seen for a while. In one case, the child asked to work with me to learn how to decode longer words. In the other case, the child's reading is much better. At any rate, she enjoys reading now and does it on her own, but she continues to need help with math. The mother said there was no way they could get her to me regularly. I recommended she bring the girl and the two siblings who had been helping her to my house for an hour. I would show them how to navigate Khan Academy and the most effective use of that source to teach themselves.
I also texted a church friend whose husband's funeral was today. I had meant to go, but all the best-laid plans, etc. Judy told me it was a lovely funeral. Her husband was about 84. He and his current wife, also in her 80s, had only been married four years ago. It is a beautiful late-in-life romance. They were very happy together.
Yvette came up to visit. We just chatted about this and that. I think she is making more of an effort to visit regularly, realizing that I am alone now without Mike. I like the visits but also need someone who lives here and does their own thing: companionship.
I walked Elsa briefly, very briefly, using the walking stick to give me some relief. Judy called. She had a busy day, was engaged in another activity, and couldn't talk long. My back has been bothering me, so I didn't do any work in the library; instead, I stayed in the living room and worked on writing for the evening while listening to classical music.
Musings
There are so many triggers for me; it's ridiculous. I was reading Spiritual By-Passing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters by Robert Augustus Masters. He is singing my songs. While it's a relief, I also realize that what he calls spiritual by-passing has given some people a leg up out of a bad state of mind.
He says, as I do, that there are many 'spiritual' expressions that are used to avoid our feelings. He says, as I do that in getting to the bottom of our feelings, especially dark feelings about ourselves, we achieve spirituality. But now, reading someone who agrees with me, I can see that nothing is that simple. We can't merely say an affirmation and banish all that is deficient in our lives, in ourselves, nor can we face the 'dragon' and conquer ourselves. If we face that dragon too early in our development, it may destroy us. That's not the objective. It's healing.
As I type, I can hear someone spouting one of those catch-all phrases from Louise Hay and the like and feel my gut twist into a knot. I have to ask myself, "Why?" Is it just that it doesn't conform to my belief set, or is it because those who don't pursue self as I do have judged me negatively. Feels like it's probably the latter more than the former. Why can't I sit quietly on my laurels and see what my approach to self and being a member of the social order has netted me? I'm almost 79. I am a good and loving person who served as an above-average presence for many people. Can I believe that? I know Mike felt that way about me. He thought I was the most loving, giving person he knew. Boy, I miss him.
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