Tuesday, October 1, 2019

   October 1, 2019 

     I slept well, and my back was good through the night.  I can sit and lie down; I can’t stand or walk without aggravating my back.  

      I got up at 6.  I put on the back brace I found in the cabinet yesterday, grabbed my walking stick, and went for a brief walk with Elsa.  I found that if I contracted my right psoas to bring my right leg forward, my back didn’t hurt.  I’m still worried about it because some pain runs down the outside of my right leg. This pain says a pinched nerve. Is the problem a small misalignment, which can be corrected quickly, or is it a ruptured disk?  

     Off to Bikram. Smiles and hugs greeted me. I had asked Lisa to pray for me while I was gone.  She had explained that she didn’t pray; she chanted. She gave me a hug and told me she did it every day. I value this community beyond measure. In the class, I was the soul of caution.  The purpose was to see what I could do and experience the rest of my body other than my aching back. I came out feeling so much better.  This is encouraging.

     I was working on strengthening the muscles in my right abdomen.  I could see my legs were more symmetrically aligned.  I did some good work today in class.  I have found that when I take time off, I come back stronger and better.  I know many people experience the opposite.  I don’t know what I do differently.  Of course, I continued working on my walk, sit, stand, etc.  I also think about the yoga exercises. That allows me to do it correctly without triggering my bad habits.

     I am inclined to think that my back problem occurred due to all the small changes I  made to correct my spinal curvature.  I stopped using one set of muscles. The ones I should have always used aren’t strong or flexible enough yet. When I do use them, all hell breaks loose.

Changes:  even before I left for the mainland, I worked on putting more weight on the outside of my left foot as I walked.  Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the storefront windows in Beverly Hills and saw that I leaned forward inappropriately when I stepped out with my right leg.  Of course, by that time, the back problems had already started. While lying on the floor, I saw that my bent legs leaned more to the right than the left when I did the sound bath.  Correcting that put pressure on my hips. I continued contracting my right abdominal muscles. These muscles are supposed to support my back. Hopefully, it works.

      I learned how to contract them from Damon and Cylin when they came home from their exercise class. They shared their experiences with me. The teacher led the group through sets of high-intensity exercises. To strengthen their abdominals and pelvic floor, they did one on their backs with something wrapped around their bent knees, creating resistance as they pushed them apart.  They had a block on their upper thighs, which they had to keep in place with their heads(?).  They had to hold the position for a full minute, relax, and hold it for another minute. Whatever the details were, it was a killer exercise.  I was able to modify it for my own body.  I could feel the difference immediately.  

     While I was at Damon and Cylin’s house, I also worked on strengthening my left leg. I had stairs to climb there, which I didn’t have at home. When I distributed my weight correctly across the bottom of my foot, I found that I could engage the muscles in my left thigh, making it much easier to push myself up the step.     

     After yoga, I went to Island Naturals to pick up some tincture of calendula for canker sores. This stuff works for me. Then, I went to Costco for salad and pretzels.  Because it wasn’t open yet, I stopped for gas.  The machine informed me that my Costco membership card had expired.  I pulled away from the pump without getting gas.

I went directly to the membership desk when I got inside. There was already a line. I couldn’t just renew at the checkout counter because I had the executive membership for $120, and I wanted to change it to the basic membership for $60.  I think I already accrued a kickback of $77.  The membership clerk asked me if I had received the money.  I didn’t know; I didn’t care at this point. Too tired. Too sad about getting this membership without Mike.  Now, his card is invalid. Slowly, slowly, his marks on this earth are being erased.  But no one who knew him forgets him.  He is remembered with much love.  

    I went home. Because of my back, I decided not to go to school today. I felt I needed some reentry time. I’ll go on Thursday and Friday.

Kathrin sent me a text asking if I wanted to join up for a cacao farm tour.  I thought about it.  It was only much later that I thought my back would not be happy with me walking around that long.  This marks an improvement.  I didn’t even think of my back.  I’ve been spending the morning working on the blog, ordering a new mattress cover for my bed, and a replacement flask for my personal Oster blender that I left at Karin and David’s.

    Most of the day I spent on the sofa listening to Grantchester.  Mike loved this show.  Too bad he missed Season 3. 

In my conversation with Judy today, I told some ‘Mike stories.’ He was such a good man.  He was always as well-intentioned as he could be.  He did some remarkable things in our marriage because of it. He was, is, and always will be my hero.  

     Does this mean he always did it? Oh, no. Sometimes, he insisted on treating me like his able assistant when it was not appropriate. When someone else confronted him about his behavior and could see what he was doing, he wept and changed his behavior.  He was a work in progress, as was I, as am I.  Life with him was an adventure worth having. 

    Except for some family members, most people consider Mike and me good people.  Many years ago, Mike made a presentation at a Catholic school where I was working. Some of the teachers came up to me afterward and said they expected him to be a lout because I was such a nice person. They noted that nice women usually wind up with nasty men.  No, we were both as good as we could be to each other and those around us.  Were we always successful? Did we always conform to other’s expectations?  No on both counts. But we gave a damn and did our best.

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Musings:

    It’s my left psoas, which is tight and causes problems.  No one ever pointed out that the logical effect of a tight left psoas is a weak right one. I experienced this problem first when I was 19 years old.  It develops as a result of an asymmetrical posture.    My hairdresser complains of a tight psoas. She bends over to one side when she cuts hair. 

   While strengthening my right psoas must logically work, this has also caused my current back problem.  Small postural adjustments, like in my left foot, can create significant changes in the rest of the body.