JJ was today’s Bikram teacher. I was on the floor again today.
I felt painfully alone today. I have something weighing on my mind, and all of my usual sources of comfort are otherwise engaged. I have never been so alone. While this state of mind is distressing, it is also interesting. While I am saddened and frightened by the sense of being alone with my needs and boundaries being ignored by someone, yes, I also find it interesting. What can I tell you? When I view the situation positively, the question is, how will they and I grow from this experience? Will our relationship be better, richer, and more balanced? Will we have a better understanding of each other’s needs and develop ways to interact -that will be a win-win situation? I certainly hope so. The worst-case scenario is truly dire, at least for me.
Jean, Mike’s first wife and a woman I love and have learned to rely on, was having a stent put into her heart today. It was unlikely that there would be bad results. As far as heart procedures are concerned, this is trivial. Can we use the word trivial when we’re talking about sticking something in a person’s heart?
And then there were the results: her arteries were too small and twisty to allow the good doctor to thread anything into her heart. Besides, they found at least two substantial blockages. Open heart surgery is on the schedule. This is a whole different ballpark. Damon, her son, and John, her husband, worked tirelessly to get information about the recommended procedure and the chances of a positive outcome.
Nonetheless, we were talking about taking veins out of her legs, cutting open her chest, and her heart to pull off a triple bypass. Are we happy yet? No, not yet. I have images of my nearest and dearest being popped out of life like roasted garlic cloves out of the bulb.
Why that simile? I had lunch with Brenda and Don at the Kona Brew Pub. Don had ordered an appetizer of pita bread, roasted garlic, and blue cheese. While I was glad to see them, the menu wasn’t quite to my liking. I had a hamburger on my brain, which was not on the menu. They had sliders, but they were mixed with bacon. I don’t like bacon. I should have just had a salad. I would have been happy with that. Instead, I ordered nachos. As it happens, I didn’t like their recipe. The good news is that I got to see Brenda and Don. I was somewhat overcome with the negative-going-ons in my life but did not want to go into the details. Anyone who saw my long, sad face assumed it was grief over Mike. No, not really. Yes, I miss him, but I am not devastated by his loss, except in moments like this when I miss his hugs and his “it’s a problem to be solved attitude,” which isn’t quite accurate. He was frightened of conflict. I believe that if people have positive intentions, everything will get better after the smoke has cleared.
Brenda told me that another person I know had died the day before, Fritz Warren, a lovely man, one of Mike’s favorites. I texted Jacquie, his wife, currently his widow when I came home to extend my condolences. More garlic cloves. I have never heard of so many people dying.
When I got home, I couldn’t do much else, like read or write. I couldn’t do gardening because I am still concerned about overdoing it and triggering terrible pain in my right lower back. I took a three-hour nap.
When I got up, I had some salad with my lemonade and pills and went into the library. I did some work alphabetizing books. After two shelves, my back started kicking in. I had to stop. I watched some TV, walked Elsa, and went to bed.
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