When I got home, I showered and got ready for my telephone appointment with my therapist. The loss of Mike is a problem, but the more significant issue is always me. I take me with me wherever I go.
My most significant complaint is my inability to work in an organized and consistent way. I'm sure many of you think, "What's she's talking about?" But the blog is a lifesaver for me. It keeps me focused on the present and not moping about what I've lost and how life would have been better – if.---.
I told Shelly about what happened during the sound bath, how the emphasis was on overloading the balance weight on the left, which felt dark. The next morning I woke up with the feeling I had killed someone – not Mike. But the image that I had in mind wasn't something that had happened to me, but to someone I met in my twenties in the University of Wisconsin Madison cafeteria. I don't think I knew the guy outside of this single encounter.
He confessed to having killed a man in NYC. A homeless man in the subway accosted him. He pushed him away; he fell in front of an oncoming subway. The fellow told me he ran away. I tend to be a walking confessional booth; people have always told me their life stories since I was of pre-school age. However, I can believe this poor fellow told everyone he spoke to, looking for exoneration.
I sat with the feelings that were evoked in the sound bath, the feelings of worthlessness. Now, there is plenty of reason to believe this comes directly from my mother, who never allowed us to do anything because we wouldn't be able to do it well enough. I wasn't allowed to wash potatoes when I was four. We weren't allowed to make our beds until we learned how to in camp. We weren't allowed to wash dishes. This may sound good, but it's not. It communicates worthlessness; you can't do anything right.
I did a release on anything I hated about feeling worthless and then the inverse, anything I loved about the feeling. Ah, what do you know? There was a goodie tucked in there. When I feel worthless, I don't have to do anything. I can completely relax and not feel I have to produce. I'm the smallest thing in the universe. So lovely. I remember giving up attempting to do anything when I was a child, knowing I wouldn't do it right anyway. Then she would yell about my lack of effort. At least that lack of effort was my intention; doing things wrong was not. It would be great to get a good relationship with my need to do – and not do.
I spent the rest of the day flat on my back in pain even while lying down. I talked to Judy at one point. She asked if I was lying on the love seat in that cradled position. Yes. She said I would probably be better with my head and my back on the same level. I slid forward until my torso was lying flat. It did feel better.
Kathrin had come home with her boyfriend. They made dinner, and we all ate together. Mike asked if he could check my body; he does therapeutic massage. He commented that my back was hot, and I should apply ice. I had been applying heat because my understanding is to use cold shortly after the injury started and heat afterward. He also did some work on my body. It felt great. I got some relief from it. He's good.
When I went to bed, I still had some pain, even lying down. A comment by one of the Bikram teachers, Mark, came to mind. He always says to do backbends whenever possible. I also remembered that a friend told me that he would watch people who had sciatica run backward to heal the damage. I grabbed my right ankle from behind and kicked back, as we do in any of the bow positions. That gave immediate relief. This easement of pain assures me that the problem is not a serious spinal one. Not being scared of the situation is helpful. I had visions of a rupture disk and needing spinal surgery down the line. That is the least successful form of surgery I know of. I have no idea why doctors would risk doing it. The results can be so depressing.
I set the alarm for 6 am, anticipating that I might get up for yoga and fell asleep.
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Musings;
Brooks's idea of thinking of others means getting politically involved. I was so disappointed to read that. I wonder if he sees any other way of making contributions to the world and not being self-absorbed? Does he believe that politicians are focused on making contributions to others and not thinking of themselves? Really?
I think there are so many ways to make a contribution to the world around us. I remember that one of our commune-mates organized tree plantings up and down our street. They were just little when we moved out of that neighborhood. I have been back since. The trees turn a bleak street into a lovely one.
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