I had another lousy night's sleep. Mike would comfort me if I felt bad. I called upon him to sing to me. Now, Mike couldn't sing to save his life. When he was on the altar mic'd, the priest would tell him to turn off his microphone. However, it was one of my favorite things about him, not that he couldn't sing, but that he was willing to even though he knew full well he couldn't.
The first time I heard him sing was New Year's Eve 1974. He joined me at a party thrown by some old communion-mates. An old friend from Wisconsin, Sharon, was with us. She and I started doing a little jazz riffing. Mike joined in. I thought, "What a brave man!" Looking back on it, he was desperate to impress me.
I didn't know it that New Year's evening, but Mike had an epiphany during that group therapy session in November. He was determined to make me his life partner. I was a tough one to corral. Thank God he was determined. He had it right for both of us.
Now, I'm lying there in bed, anxious beyond words and asking Mike to comfort me. "Sing to me." I heard his voice," La-la-la-la." I calmed down immediately.
Dorothy still wasn't feeling100%. She sent me an article about the adverse effects of too much fiber. She wasn't running a temperature today and seems to be recovering from the flu shot. I had an easier time than she did.
I got all worked up about the ceiling insulation again. I still wanted Scott to take down the ceiling and start again. Even I know my reaction is extreme. I'm dealing with this bout of heavy grief, the political situation, the economic situation, and now the ceiling. The ceiling was under my control. I wanted it done thoroughly. That has been taken out of my hands.
As I reacted, both Scott and Yvette responded well. They stayed calm and responded to my distress effectively. Yvette pointed out that I had criticized Scott for pushing the best option on a previous occasion. I think I responded to his pushing and idea rather than presenting options for me. Nonetheless, Yvette's comments evoked some understanding of Scott's thinking. Being able to see it from his perspective made me feel better.
I went out and did some gardening. I cut down a bougainvillea sprouting by the front fence and doused it in Clorox. I prefer using vinegar, but some plants require more. Then I pulled out two small asparagus ferns growing through a shrub in the front yard and pulled out a vine with those lovely deep pink flowers growing through another shrub. That last one was the best. I was on my hands and knees, reaching through the branches to find the base of the vine so I could uproot it. Being on my knees requires the use of my glutes in an intense way. So much better.
I had a session with D. today. What do you know? He remembered the answer to each of the four multiplication facts we've been working on since July. This was the first time. He is the second student who lost his father as an infant who has memory problems. Two people do not a rule make. No, but it's something worth keeping in mind.
D. said he wanted to read the opening pages of the book. He had worked on them. He read them with great expression, even stopping after most periods. He didn't read each word perfectly. Except for one or two cases, his substitutions made sense. He was so proud of himself. He devised this exercise for himself: practicing reading a particular passage. What a great idea!
He asked me if I wanted to speak to his mother. I figured he wanted me to tell her how great he was doing. I did that. His mother is also great. She credits me with his increased confidence. I think he has increased confidence because of increased skills and how I respond to his successes and failures. My emphasis is always on strategies to deal with errors – not merely getting something correct. As I said to him: you will always make mistakes. You need strategies for dealing with that.
His mom said she could now get him to read on his own for half an hour a day. This is great. I must remember to text her to tell her that I think it would be great if he read the same passage over and over and over, practicing getting it perfect. That works to help someone read better, as much if not better than reading fresh material each time.
Later in the day, I remembered that D. told me that his mom was concerned about her daughters' education. I finally texted her to say that I might be able to help. She proposed we speak next Wednesday after D.'s session.
I finally wrote an essay introducing myself to the Wyzant tutoring site. I've been putting it off forever. I see myself as unconventional. My unconventional approaches make me an excellent teacher, but they also make me weird. Most people would rather deal with the conventional than take a risk with something new. It's depressing.
Damon called this afternoon. I cried about how much I missed Mike. I feel more grief identifying with Eleanor's grief upon losing Chidi in the finale of The Good Place than I was able to feel about my own loss. Her relationship with Chidi was a lot like my relationship with Mike. I was just happy to be with him. Judy said he was comfortable like an old shoe, but that doesn't quite describe it. He was like a comfortable shoe that I loved to wear and was proud to wear in public. Damon affirmed that he saw my relationship with Mike as I did. We were good with each other. There was nothing difficult. Everything was reasonably easy, doable.
There were significant moments. We moved twice to accommodate Mike's needs. The first to Princeton from Brooklyn to be nearer his son. I not only fully supported this move, but I was also the one who initiated it when it happened. I woke up early one morning, filled with this sense of 'must.' I couldn't even stay in bed. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa. When Mike got up, he came to find me, concerned. I told him we had to move to Princeton. Okay, if you say so. Are you sure?" Yes!!! Then as the time drew near, I freaked out. I wound up being the most challenging piece of furniture to move. Mike would have backed down, but I pushed through. I trusted my epiphany more than I did my fear.
The second big move was to Ohio. Again, I gave up my life in Princeton for Mike's needs. It didn't feel that way. My life was joined with his. What happened to him created my life's path. I wasn't being a good little woman. It could have been reversed, Mike making changes for my life path. It just wasn't.
Before I met Mike, I had a dream that helped me see how my life with a partner would play out. I was driving a motorcycle with a side cart. The path I took on the roadway, how I placed the vehicle in the lane when I passed, was affected by the side cart's presence. My life path would be altered by its presence. I know, I know. I've been criticized because I didn't see two separate vehicles but one with a side cart with me driving.
You might wonder where I got this weird image from. In the seventies, my mother was sent to Atlantic City by her boss for a vacation to recover from pneumonia. (She was a valued employee.) I drove down there to pick her up; I didn't know where I was going. All knew I had to get on the Garden State Parkway.
As I pulled into the toll booth, a bus went through right before me. Its destination was Atlantic City. I followed that bus. It became clear as I went along the bus driver knew I was following him, and he altered his driving to make accommodations for me.
He turned off at one point. When he stopped, I got out to ask him where I was. It was clear we weren't in Atlantic city yet. He said he tried to signal me to keep going. He also asked me out. I didn't accept his offer, but I did follow him into Atlantic City. That experience taught me how to drive your own vehicle and get to your destination while making accommodations for someone else.
My life's path was determined by my relationship with Mike, as his was by his relationship with me. It was a great ride. It was all an adventure. I would have said no to all the changes in our lives if I thought what Mike wanted to do would be bad for him or me. One of the things 'I did for him was to support him as he spent eight years getting his second Ph.D. Not only did I support him, but I also pushed him into going. I had a vision of Mike sitting like a lump watching TV nonstop after his retirement. That was a horrible image. Whatever I had to do to support his studies, whatever 'sacrifice' I had to make, was nothing to the sadness I would have experienced if my retirement vision had become a reality. Instead, Mike's life became richer and richer. He was going strong until the day he collapsed. His retirement years were the happiest in his life. Ah!!
I told Damon that I had gotten rid of a bunch of books but had to slow down. It was getting too much for me. Damon suggested that I keep some of Dad's books. I thought," No!" He said devote one shelf to his books. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good idea.
Damon told me that August, his seventeen-year-old son, had had heart palpitations. He and Cylin had it thoroughly checked out by the doctor. It was anxiety. The doctor said he sees several teenagers a week with the same symptoms. The isolation teenagers are experiencing is torturous.
My friend Jean (I this I'll refer to the two Jean's as my sister Jean, and my friend Jean.) wrote that she wasn't feeling 100% but was planning to call. She also wrote that I should keep up writing the updates. She enjoys all my entries. This made me feel fantastic. I think several people read it to keep an eye on me, but Jean is actually enjoying them. Wow! I have a fan as well as a friend. This means a lot to me.
I told Damon about the work I had done with a stressed-out, depressed adolescent whose idea of fun was endless playing videos game with friends online. The work had already relieved the worst of his depression. He said he was able to do his schoolwork again. Before, a project that was supposed to take one day took five. Now, he was surprised by how fast it went.
I use a surprisingly effective format. The first part is always to see a given situation in both negative and positive light. The boy was working on an overwhelming g sense of sadness. To start with, I told him, "to release anything negative about his hatred for this feeling and keep anything positive or anything he still needed." Once he had completed that release, determined by the feeling of spreading relaxation, I had him do the opposite release. "I release anything negative of my love of this sadness and keep anything good or anything I still need." I never assume there is hatred or love for a problem; it's always worthwhile doing both. There are always surprises. If it doesn't work. It's not right for that person.
Once the person has dealt with his positive and negative feelings about the sadness, he is ready to release that sadness. To do that all at once is a horse's cure. Not only does it feel scary for the person, I believe it could be dangerous. To create a manageable release, I use the following image. I tell the person to imagine a container to hold that emotion. Is it as big as a breadbox, a garage, a mountain? Once that image is in place, I tell them to insert a spigot, much like a spigot on a beer keg, and see a digital control, press in a decimal point, and then as many zeroes needed and then the number one. Then press start and allow the release. The person is in complete control over that release. The flow can be a slow and gradual as they need it to be.
I asked the teenager if he was using these images for himself. He said, “Yes." OMG! This is amazing. I started using these strategies when I was an adult.
Yesterday, I asked the boy to evaluate how much better he felt, comparing his current state with his best state. I already knew he was at his happiest, playing video games with friends online. I helped him learn the difference between activities that give us brief dramatic relief and a dramatic drop-off versus a healing activity. The latter doesn't feel quite as good when we're doing it, but we feel skads better afterward. If we only have activities that give us temporary relief, we are heading for trouble. I feel I may have saved this boy from a lifetime of bad choices. I assume all who read this are praying for him.
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