I was so warm on this morning's walk that I felt I didn't need my sweatshirt. During the summer, there have been mornings when I would have welcomed gloves. Huh? Usually, the humid season is August, September, and mid-October. After that, the humidity breaks, and it gets cooler. This pattern is weird. Disturbing. Something else to entertain us.
Yvette dedicated the yoga session to Mike. Today would have been his eightieth birthday. After the yoga class, Yvette came up and lifted the corner of my mat. There was a note, an envelope with golden 3-D letters glued, B & M (Betty & Mike). I assumed it was from Yvette. She often does stuff like that, leaves decorative notes, but no. It was from Elise, one of the regulars at driveway yoga. What a lovely gesture.
Dear Betty,
I did not know Mike, but I know cooks---Wild guess, but his heart was golden, his generosity unparalleled & humor well-seasoned! Today my practice is for this wonderful, mysterious stranger who had the impeccable taste to love you. I know he made it to practice today for you. Love, Elise.
Scott didn't come to yoga today. His body needed a rest. The work he's doing on the floor is hard on his body. Every time I check in the room, he bounces on some newly laid boards to show how much less give there is. The originals were thin as wafers in comparison. Scott keeps assuring me that anyone who had seen in original underflooring without ripping it up would not have known how bad it was. Doubtful. I could feel the floor dip under my step with the carpeting down and two layers of padding under that. They could also see the nails; the floor had been secured with nails and not screws as it should have.
I spent some time trying to recover information about a tutoring session I had had with Eb. I wanted to use the work we did for the video presentation. I could not find any references to the work I had done with her, ever. I was surprised by how little I included in my daily notes.
Today Scott discovered an additional problem. The floor joist slope to the center of the house. He said this was badly constructed. I learned something new. You're supposed to construct ta house, so the highest point is in the center, the crown. This house was constructed with the highest points being at the outer edges. I had some information about this from Ken when he was redoing our kitchen. He discovered the floor by the stove, toward the center of the house, was a good three inches lower than the floor by the refrigerator. He had to design the kitchen to compensate for this difference. Scott will now have to lay down shimmies to make the floor even. Unlike all the other builders, Scott won't overlook this flaw; he will deal with it.
I spent a lot of the day in the library, pulling books for St Patrick's. I had about forty books from one bay by the time I stopped. I didn't do any work on the PowerPoint for the video on my reading method. Procrastinating again.
As I was working in the library, I heard Judy's voice calling me. I came out of the library to greet her. She was in my kitchen already dropping off some homemade bread pudding.
I spent several hours completing the NY Times Mini Crossword Puzzles. I enjoy them, and they are less damaging for my hands than FreeCell. While I sat on the lanai and did those puzzles, the sky opened up, and we had a major rainstorm. We haven't had rain for a while. It was most welcome. Winter is the dry season on the Big Island; it's the wet season on Oahu. I tried to take Elsa for a walk. However, like her mom, she's a Princess Never-Get-Wet.
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Musings;
Interestingly, as with everything, there are two groups of people. Those who feel you not only can but should expect people to change. You should tell people if their behavior bothers you, not only for your sake but for theirs as well. The opposite is those who feel you should say nothing and just accept people as they are.
I'm on the side of believing that we have an obligation to help others change. Now, let's be clear, this does not mean becoming a nag. The comments and requests have to be presented in limited dosages. In all teaching circumstances, they have to be well-timed.
I can't imagine I haven't told this story before. One Wednesday afternoon early in our relationship, in response to my obsessing about some difficulty I was having with a commune-mate, Mike said, "I love you, but you have till Friday to resolve this. After that, I never want to hear about it again." My reaction was, "Ah!!" I don't have to talk about this all the time.
I have no idea why I got into compulsive talking about a frustration. What a relief to feel I could stop.
I don't have a big sample of people who feel that you just have to accept people the way they are, but I have observed a pattern. They believe that there's nothing you can do but accept people 'for the way they are.' They are very tolerant of those in their group; and equally intolerant of those outside whatever they consider their group.
Quoting Dear Ben Franklin, moderation in all things is probably the best. I had to learn to back off. My happy life with Mike would not have been possible if I hadn't. Clearly, he wasn't perfect. There were habits of his that drove me around the bend. But the positives way outweighed the negatives.
There were some traits that I could live with- - - until I couldn't. I like to think that this 'no- more' state of mind was co-created. He was ready for the final push, which increased my irritation, motivating me to make my move.
I do know Mike was attracted to me because he knew I would help him become a better person. After he left his first wife, he asked a colleague for advice, "What should I look for in a mate?" The guy said, "A worthy opponent." Mike liked that answer. He found it in me. He told me that he thought I was bright, moral, and was as concerned about the well-being of the other as I was about myself.
I watch people who don't live as Mike and I did, living in a constant state of frustration with their partners and accepting it as the only option. There can be something immoral in this behavior. When someone has a chance to help their partner live a better life, they should take action. I see how the 'good partner' is using the 'difficult one.'
I started thinking about relationships somewhat differently today. I realized that the 'difficult partner' looks for someone who will never challenge them in a meaningful way. They're stacking the deck against change. Maybe they want to know that someone can love them in their full obnoxious glory.
I admit it. I don't get it. Why do people want to wallow in their own self-created misery? It's not that I don't continue to create my own misery. But I also keep working on changing. It's hard; it's a long haul. No snap-change makes everything right. It's a slow process but so rewarding. Not only within myself but in improved relationships with others. Does it work in all my relationships? No, of course not. Does anything always work? Life is a risk.
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