I slept well. I went to the bathroom a few times and fell back to sleep immediately. I was wide awake at 4:30 but stayed in bed until the alarm went off at 5:30.
I'm carrying my walking stick on my morning walk but not using it. It's there in case a leg collapses or there is a sudden onset of pain. I emphasized straightening my right leg completely. It is making a huge difference. When I got to the end of the block this morning, I walked backward up the steep incline. Holy cow! I can't recommend it more highly. Yvette's father-in-law told me that runners in California who suffered from sciatica ran backward to heal. I can see why. It makes an enormous difference to the body.
I had my therapy/life coach session this morning. I shared all the drama of the last two weeks: grief over Mike, grief over the political situation, grief over the ceiling insulation still not being effective, and grief over my continuing reluctance to push my teaching ideas into the public eye. It was the last we worked on. We had two ways to go: getting me to do it, which most therapists have tried to no avail, or helping me accept failure. Shelly suggested the latter.
I opted for applying my method to remarkable ends. I released anything negative about my craving to put my ideas out there, keep anything positive, or anything I still needed. Then I did the opposite; I always do both just to see what happens. Without fail, the one you would think would produce nothing produces the most. I released anything negative about my aversion to putting my ideas for teaching out there and kept anything positive or anything I still needed.
What came up was rage, rage for my audience, rage, and contempt. How could they be so stupid to not see what I see? (These are all emotional responses and not what I think. There is no earthly reason why people should see what I see. I think we all have places in us where others are difficult to understand.) My face crinkled up in disgust. So that's what's been going on. That is a pretty good reason to not want to put my ideas out there; I do not want to be that person. I disagree with that aspect of myself, my thinking/feelings.
While my ideas are 'obvious,' they are not obvious to everyone. My years of studying linguistics and dance have allowed me to evolve my method of observation. Not everyone is suited to this process. Not everyone takes on cave diving and finds it thrilling to discover something new in that context, either. Why bother? Life can go on very nicely without that discovery. This was my calling. I followed it. Now I'm stuck somewhere out on an edge feeling lonely, scared, and apparently angry and contemptuous.
Shelly said she had never worked with anyone on contempt before. That doesn't mean that there hasn't been contempt. We all feel some contempt, probably for everyone. It is on the palate of our responses; it's always there. It's just not a dominant emotion- if we're lucky. It's one that we see peeking out from under the other colors, just a hint, easily ignored. But it's huge.
Contempt is one of the four horsemen of a failing marriage. When it dominates the picture, separation is the only option.
I had a session with D. shortly after. He remembered the four multiplication facts we had worked on for the last six months perfectly. In each case, the right answer came up clearly. Once he came up with the correct answer immediately and then wanted to change it. When presented with 9 x 4=, he read it as 4 x9= without thinking about it. I have presented the problem as 4 x9= most often. His mind converted the problem to the most accessible form. Yay!
His mother has been using flashcards with him. I understand her need to do so. I think it will pay off in the end. He will have those facts in his mind, stored away for use. But it doesn't really help him. As I think about it, if she is only using cards without the answers, she is continually testing a skill he doesn't have in the first place. I know it's counterintuitive to do what I recommend: use flashcards with the answers on them. I can't get people to change for love nor money. However, D. and I did add on two new multiplication facts today, 6 x5=, and 2 x9. I had him choose.
We worked on the book' Socks.' I reviewed a paragraph that he had trouble with. I realized that I didn't handle it properly. It says Socks, the cat stuck in the mailbox, got scared when he heard keys rattling. Then when the box was opened, he was blinded by the bright light. When I asked him what was going on, he told me Socks got scared, and the keys rattled. He gave me the exact information of the words. He didn't give me the implied information. It was the postman rattling the keys and he who opened the mailbox.
One problem I have is that I sometimes think he's stupid given how hard learning is for D. I conclude any 'normal 'person would get it. How often have I told him to stick to the information in the paragraph and not look up in the air for the answer? Well, in this case, that's pretty much where he had to look. He did fine. Me, not so much. I will review that paragraph and see if I can help him understand when he needs to use the thoughts in his own head to make an inference. He did some good work by the end of the session.
When he came across the word appearance, he had trouble decoding it. I had to remind him to start with his vowels. It took him forever to find them. Sometimes, I feel like I have to start from the beginning again. I don't know why it is so hard for him. I do know that he has improved both in his word recognition and his comprehension. He is reading more on his own because he now has more confidence. Who knows where this will take us?
D and I were three pages from the end of the first chapter after all this time. His classroom teacher had the goal of making it through a chapter in every half-hour session. I teach the students to chew words to get the most out of them.
I took a nap after that session, setting my alarm for 1:30, so I was ready for my session with M. Her teacher had provided a reading passage about the bus boycott in Montgomery. It was presented in a narrative form.
I decided to have her read it and answer questions without giving her the background information. It was interesting. She came up with a logical understanding that was dead wrong. She thought the boycott was about the rules the bus company made a year before. As I read the passage, I could see why M. might read it that way. I told her her reading was logical, just dead wrong. It made it clear how one can go down the wrong path without the necessary background knowledge.
In our last reading, M. had problems understanding how a gorilla's body worked versus a human's, a cat's, a dog's, etc. I thought it might be a problem of empathy. Then I remembered her remarkable comprehension of a situation that confused me. when reading Winn Dixie. My mind converted the picture of a dog chasing a mouse to a cat. She gave an insightful explanation about why my mind might have done that. But when it comes to understanding physical differences, there seems to be a problem.
She understood that it was a hardship if someone had to walk a lot to get to school rather than taking the bus. She couldn't understand that one had to get up earlier. She also could' t understand that walking in the rain was a hardship. However, when she did get it, she said, "They had to walk in all kinds of weather." It seems that she is a better abstract thinker than a concrete one. There's a lack of balance.
After that session, I sat down to work on the updates. I was inspired to call E. I hadn't spoken to him in a few days. I had tried, been ghosted once. Oh, I hate that. I find it so rude, but it is how the kids deal with each other. Yuck~
The other day I asked him how he felt after we worked. When we started, he had been seriously down in the dumps and having trouble with his schoolwork due to stress. Now he felt better, but how much. I had him compared his best moments when playing video games to how he felt. Playing video games, 10; the way he felt when we began, a 4. Today I asked him what number he was on. He said a seven.
I reminded him of the difference between addictive behavior and healthy behavior. Healthy behavior leaves you feeling good to better when you're not doing it. Addictive behavior leaves you feeling worse, carving for more so you can feel better.
I thanked him for letting me help him. I told him Mike thanked him, my mother thanked him, as did my father. Seriously, I have been worried about this kid for a long, long time. I saw him compressing and investing in video games. I was worried! I feel he's out of danger now. He knows other ways of dealing with the ups and downs of life.
_____-_____-_____
Musings:
Shelly I and dealt with contempt today. She said she never dealt with it before in her practice. She thought of it as something you strive to get rid of. Yes and no. Getting rid of it is getting rid of self or the human condition. Contempt is part of our life palate. What we do with it makes the difference. Trying to totally eliminate it doesn't work. It's a permanent fixture.
We compared contempt to hatred. Hatred is to love as contempt is to idolization. Hate and love are responses at the moment and assume that the connection between the people involved will stay strong.
Contempt suggests an untenable situation that requires separation. In tribal times, those worthy of contempt were exiled from the tribe, condemned to exile, generally resulting in death.
The opposite of contempt is idealization. This is another way of isolating someone from real human contact. The idealized person is an image, dehumanized, being seen as perfect.
Both contempt and idealization are forms of dehumanization.
Both are forms of exiling someone from the warmth of the shared fire. With contempt, someone is pushed out; with idealization one is pushed up onto a platform. They are both involve exile from normal human interactions. Doesn't sound good to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment