Friday, September 10, 2021

 Friday, September 10, 2021

 

   I had a frustration dream where nothing worked. There were obstacles to everything I tried to do. Some were weird; the settings were weird. I remember one specific detail, something to do with dysfunctional toilets, and then about making a payment. Whoever I was paying only accepted checks; all I had was a credit card and cash.

     I had a few triggers that threw me into grief about Mike. First, I got into my Facebook messages. I couldn't figure out how to get into them. Today, I did. There were several from 2019, condolences for Mike's death. One was from the old girlfriend of a friend. She spoke about her grief upon the breakup of her relationship. I knew about the split, but I assumed she was glad to get rid of him. Learning about her grief threw me. I brought up my grief.

     Then On Hidden Brain last night, the talk was about how people change their minds at the last minute about receiving life support. A man spoke about his experience with his wife at the end of her life. For years, the woman, a nurse, had said, "Make sure I am never put on life support." Then when her ALS had progressed to the point of needing a respirator, she told her doctor yes. Her husband said he didn't regret a single day before she was put on a respirator. He wouldn't want to redo a single day afterward.  

    I woke up thinking of Mike's five last weeks. I realize if he had survived, he would have had to live in a nursing home in Honolulu. I couldn't have brought him home. I had had images of him sitting on our lanai and me caring for him and helping him recover. But that would never have happened. His need for dialysis three days a week would have made that impossible. We would both have been miserable. Besides that, complete recovery was impossible after a certain point. Being on a respirator and drugs to keep you calm damages the brain. 

    When he was first rushed to ICU and put on a respirator, it never occurred to me to say no. I believed this was a temporary measure to give him support until he was better. I associated the respirator with surgery, not as an alternative to immediate death. I was so naïve. I now understand that intubation is a last-ditch effort, does permanent damage with prolonged use, and leaves the patient in misery. Surgery is a limited period during which the patient is unconscious. When used to assist breathing because a person is having difficulty, they are just under light sedation. They know what is going on the whole time. They are uncomfortable the entire time. What a nightmare. Would I have said no to the first time they intubated Mike? Probably not. The doctors were still talking about recovery. It would have been too early.

    I contacted the teachers Of Mama K's crew. K's third-grade teacher was particularly communicative. I gave her the information I had on him. She was appreciative to know how much progress he had made. It gave her perspective. She was also willing to use the primary paper I created. I worked on it today, making five versions, starting with a 16-font size, then 14, then 12, then 10, and then 8. When I experimented with the spacing, I found my print size fit best with font 10 or 8. I told her to experiment with which size would be best for K at this time. The idea is to decrease the spacing over time as he becomes more adept at forming the letters and his fine motor control improves.

   I bathed Elsa. I read an old update. The vet said I should be bathing her with the medicated soap two to three times a week. So far, Elsa is lucky if I bathe her once a month. Of course, she hates it when I bathe her, which is why I don't do it more frequently. 

   The vet finally called back to answer my query on why the shot for controlling her skin allergy wasn't effective. The doctor wouldn't say anything until she had seen Elsa. We have an appointment on the twentieth anyway. She wasn't scratching herself to death; we could wait.

    Judy and Paulette had plans to take Mei, my next-door neighbor, and Jane to the harbor beach; it is a National Park.  The water is shallow and calm because it was constructed as a fishing pond by the Hawaiians. A fishing pond is a small bay blocked at its mouth with rocks placed there by the Hawaiians. Small fish can swim in and feed but can't leave once they get a little bigger. Ergo, a fishing pond.  

    Getting to the beach is tricky. You must have someone show you the way. Judy waited by the entrance for Mei and Jane to arrive to guide them to the parking area and then lead them on the long walk to the beach. This beach has a wonderful, shaded area, and sea turtles abound. Of course, you're supposed to stay twenty feet away from them. I don't see people staying that far away, more like two to three feet. But they do respect them enough not to touch them.

      I came prepared to swim, which meant I was wearing my weighted belt. The last time I tried to swim, I nearly drowned. Because of age, my innards have shrunk, creating a space in my abdomen. My rear end bobs up when I swim, and my head is forced down. It is scary.   I still wasn't prepared to go in by myself. The last time I went in the water. I romped in the surf at Kua Bay with Yvette ready to grab me if I fell. However, spending a day by the seaside was a lovely relief.

      While at the beach, I got a call from a friend of Mama K's. She had observed me teaching K's children and recognized a good teacher. She wanted me to work with her preschool son. I won't work with preschoolers. I oppose the trend to teach them basic reading skills at that young.   I repeated my position. Then she explained she just wanted me to help her son get used to working with Zoom. He was applying to get into this academically advanced private school. His classroom teacher said he was fidgety, which would work against him. Can you imagine a 4 ½-year-old being fidgety? What is the world coming to? She wanted me to help him learn appropriate behavior for his interviews. Okay. We made two 15-minute appointments, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.

  Then I got a call from Provision Solar. I had a call the other day telling me the broken part was in and ready to be installed. We had made an appointment for Wednesday. This guy asked if it was okay for him to do it today. Sure. I texted Yvette to warn her that someone would be crawling around on the roof. 

   Tommy texted me that he had posted the Five Stories audio file on Bandcamp and the final version of the Phase I video on YouTube. Now, I have to place announcements on both Facebook and to everyone on my email address list.