Tuesday, September 28, 2021

 Tuesday, September 28, 2021

 

   I had a fantastic, peaceful night’s sleep. My morning walk to the intersection on Kukuna was easy.

   During the driveway yoga class, I had Scott help me put yoga toes on my right foot. They’re a foam ‘frame’ with holes for my toes. They hold the toes in the ideal position for the foot. 

    I have been having problems with both my feet of late. The problem with the right foot occurred when I tried on a new pair of Crocs and discovered it was too short for my foot. The reason I wear Crocs is for the large toe box. I had the width I needed with these shoes, but not the length. I experienced pain walking and numbness. The pain subsided, and the numbness was better, but the second toe curled toward the first.

    I recognized the problem when I saw it. It’s a hammertoe. My grandmother had it. I drove her to the podiatrist to have the calluses caused by the misalignment removed. She was in constant pain. After seeing that, I never forced my foot into an uncomfortable shoe. There had to be plenty of room for my toes to do their thing.

    A few years ago, I learned that my second toe is longer than my first because of a foot malformation. The second toe only appears longer than the first. It is the first toe that is shorter than the second because its metatarsal is closer to the heel than it should be. This throws off the whole alignment of my foot. The other day the second toe was actively trying to climb over the first. When I checked online, I learned they sell gadgets to prevent the runaway toe from having its way. You essentially tape the second toe to the third and fourth toes. I have done that and put a foam wedge between my first and second toes. I tried the yoga toes to see if I could get the metatarsals back into their earlier alignment before the Croc incident. I had learned to live with my metatarsal malformation. There is a possibility that the foot problem caused my whole-body misalignment from the start. Having a short first metatarsal throws off your walk- big time. I plan to try the yoga toes during the two yoga sessions to start and see how it goes.

    I spent the day working on my application to be a tutor at the local middle school. Before I handed in phase 3 of my application to work 2 hours a week for under $25 an hour as a tutor for the public school, I had to go through this byzantine application procedure. I was now trying to complete a 17-page packet after completing a 5-page one. It took a week after I finished to be called and told that I should get my TB test. I handed the results within half an hour after  I got them. A week later, I had heard nothing. I tracked people down. Given the ridiculousness of this procedure, I take everything literally. It says all information must be filled in, or the application will be rejected. Oh, yes. There’s one page where it says, “Type only.”  Does anyone out there have a typewriter I could use? 

  I finally tracked down the woman I needed to talk to to get Phase 2 of the application a week after submitting my TB results. She knew nothing about me. She asked if I had filled out Phase I and had my TB test. Then she told me that she would give of copy of the application to a clerk at the middle school. I went in the next day. The clerk had no idea what I was talking about, but I convinced her I was on the level, and she put this 17-page packet together for me. 

    I worked on filling it out the next day. There were questions I couldn’t answer. I called the middle school; they told me I had to talk to Denice at the high school, who did this work for the middle school after the working day. She was substituting for someone who was out. I got hold of her one day but forgot to ask a second question. That’s when the fun began. I called her every morning, left a message, and then called several times during the day, hoping to catch her. 

    After several days of that routine, I called the main number of the high school, asking if Denice was out. No, she was in a meeting. The receptionist went to talk to her. She left a message that I should call her at the intermediate school after four. I asked what number I should use. The school secretary was about to give me the main number when I told her they don’t answer those phones after four pm. The secretary went into the meeting and told Denice. Denice sent back the message that someone was pulling my leg. Boy, they make it hard to apply for work here.

     My body pounded with fear and anger, not because of the application process. I have been suffering from bad anxiety and grief. I meditated. When I sit with these feelings and observe them, I feel calmer. I don’t know which makes me more uncomfortable, the fear or the rage or my fear of my fear or my rage. Who wants to be emotionally out of control? Yuck.

    I had an acupuncture appointment at 10 am. I got in the shower at nine and set my alarm for 9:30 to leave the house for the appointment. Fortunately, shortly after I got out of the shower, I remembered that she was coming to my house. She offered to do so after I stopped making appointments. Her workspace is a small, enclosed room. Yvette has a massage table with a headrest in the largest bedroom, with a whole wall of windows, not to mention cross ventilation.  

     The acupuncturist asked me what I wanted to work on. The PT gave me exercises for my piriformis. She started on the muscles on the front of my thigh. She said the piriformis was overstretched because the muscles on the front of my thigh were so tight. They were tight; I know that. Resting that leg in a straight position when I’m lying down is hard. Then she asked me to turn over and put the needles into the area around the piriformis. The impact was immediate. I felt the energy running down my leg. It was amazing. Whatever problems the muscles on the front of my leg had, the muscles in the glute and the left side of my back needed work. As she left, she suggested I take a nice long nap.

    Jean called. She and John were making considerable progress in their packing. Their original move date to the retirement community was in August. There were three or four postponements because the development was renovating their apartment. The last delay was from October 4 to October 12. This series of delays should be done deliberately. It meant Jean and John were always working as fast as they could. There was no way they could have everything done in time for the first date. John had lived in the house for over fifty years, and they were both massive collectors of books and paper. John still had notebooks from college. Jean has been living there for about forty years and has done an enormous amount of writing for work. They needed those reprieves. They could never have made it by the first date.

   Jean was still struggling with the pain in her back and her leg. She is going on the path of injections into those muscles to relieve pain. I know Jean has a curvature caused by bad postural practices, as I do. It doesn’t seem her PT has said anything about changing how she sits as she works. That would make a difference if it didn’t destroy her altogether.

    I had my second session with Canada A. I asked him to focus his attention on the prefrontal lobe of his brain last week, concentrate on that body part the way one might focus on a hand or a foot. What’s the purpose? The body part in use gets the most blood. We can get blood to go there by using it or focusing on it. Try it. Sit quietly and focus on your hand. Wait and see what happens. You will feel the pulsation increase. Focusing on the brain without ‘using’ it gets blood to flow there. It’s a bit like priming the pump. He said he did it once or twice. I suppose my directions weren’t clear. I wanted him to do it as often as possible. If we’re in the habit of not using a body part, it takes special effort to engage it. 

    Today I worked on how much he wanted to change. He said an 8 out of 10. Then I asked him how much resistance he had to change. It was also about an 8. When I asked him why he wanted to change, he told me to avoid negative consequences. When I told him to give me a positive reason, he said so he could feel better about himself. These were both consequences of doing or not doing; his emphasis is on the outcome. When I asked him what gave him pleasure about video games, he said it was the outcome. I don’t think it is the outcome. I believe our greatest pleasure comes when parts of our brains are in harmony or our brains are in harmony with those of others. 

   I asked him to pick an activity he could focus on that he usually avoided doing. He suggested his homework. On, no. That’s like starting mountain climbing with Everest. He picked brushing his teeth. I asked what was positive about this activity. He said his mom wouldn’t be angry. Then he said his mouth would feel clean. Outcomes are undoubtedly important, but man can’t live on outcomes alone. I suggested he focus on the sensory parts of the activity, squeezing the toothpaste tube, watching the toothpaste come out on the brush, his arm movements as he brushed his teeth, and the way the brush felt on his teeth. The more senses involved, the more brain involved, the more pleasurable. 

_____-______-______

Musings:

    Back to thinking about people who like concepts to be simple. I’m a complex thinker. I believe we need all sorts of thinkers to keep society balanced. One way is not better than the other. Any way taken to an extreme is destructive.

   Ego is one of those terms. One has to be brain dead to be free of ego. Ego is the definition of self, ie. This body is mine, my name is, I live with these people. All these are elements of ego. The problem is a rigid ego. Now you don’t want an ego that has no constancy. That’s craziness. You want an ego that can adjust to a reality that contradicts your current self concept.

   The other concept that drives me nuts is “live in the present.”  I participated in a spiritual training. The trainer said, “the past is gone; the future hasn’t arrived yet; all you have is the present.”  Within the same session, she would say, “In our next session, we will  .. .  ,,” and check out the website for all the courses we will be offering next semester. I hear her referring to the past and the future.  

   I believe that concept has some validity. , My need to think of the past or the future was limited. I was removed from my normal life. I had nothing to plan for. Concentrating on living in the present made some sense. Even then, when the bell rang for lunch, I had to refer to the past to know its significance. To get my meal, I had to remember where to go and direct myself to get there. I performed those actions because I anticipated the future, a meal. 

    It’s not that I don’t see the value of holding our focus on the present. It is a wonderful discipline, but it is limited. Some people commit their whole lives to this concept. It means denying anything that isn’t present. It’s an excuse for spiritual by-passing, ignoring anything negative.

   I wish the teachers presented a more realistic view of the role of living in the present. What does it mean to do so?