Monday, April 24, 2023

 Monday, April 24, 2023

I was awake before the five-thirty alarm went off. I felt energetic. I stayed in bed to complete my in-bed exercises. I did them briefly. I usually hold a pose longer to allow my muscles to relax and stretch.

Elsa was ready for her morning treatment. I clipped knotted hair where she licked to scratch an itchy lesion. I found one on the back of her legs yesterday I hadn't detected or treated before. After one application of tea tree oil, it was already better. I love the tea tree oil, and so does Elsa. She rolls over, making her belly available, or stretches out her neck, guiding me to find a lesion under her chin. I wondered if the tea tree oil feels good when I put it on or if she understands this makes her lesions better in the long run. Are dogs capable of the latter? 

I had a nine am appointment with the dentist. Today, he removed the temporary acrylic bridge and put in the permanent porcelain one. He was going to fill some cavities and replace the single temporary post cap with a permanent one, too. Adjusting my bite took too long. I had to make another appointment for May 8 to get the rest done. In the meantime, the permanent bridge was sealed off with temporary filings. The dentist will put permanent fillings in next time once he's sure I'm comfortable with the bridge bite.

I was supposed to have an appointment with Lex Brodie this morning at 10:30. It was initially set for eleven. I called and changed it to 10:30. I got a text message last night reminding me I had an appointment at 11. I called at 7 am to figure out what was going on. The scheduler said I had an appointment for 10. He had someone at 9 am for a two-hour appointment. None of what he said made a lot of sense to me. Either way, a one-hour appointment starting at 11 was too late for me. I had a noon appointment with the orthopedic surgeon; the car inspection would take an hour. I rescheduled Lex Brodie for 9 am Tuesday.

I went home after the dentist's appointment and worked on my updates while I had miso soup with wontons. This combination was new for me. One of the ladies at the sample carts in Costco was offering the wontons. She saw packages of tofu miso soup in my cart and said the wontons would go well with them. Protein. I have to microwave the frozen wontons before I toss them into the soup. It did something to slake my hunger but not enough to overcome my craving for Hersey's milk chocolate nuggets with almonds. I started keeping count of how much I eat a day.

I napped until 11:30, when my alarm went off, warning me to prepare for my appointment with Kaiser. I made it there in plenty of time. The nurse called me in shortly after I arrived.

Dr. Salassa's first question was about the THR she did on my left hip last June. I squatted and stood on my left leg, swinging my right leg out to the right. She was duly impressed, or that is what I want to believe. I'm sure she wasn't surprised. She saw who I was when she met me before the June surgery.

Then we discussed if it was appropriate for me to have THR on my right hip now. The X-ray made it clear my hip was arthritic, but was it necessary for me to have surgery now? She asked me why I wanted it now.

I had experienced some pain reminiscent of my pain with the left hip before the surgery. I told her the other reason was, "You, you, and you." She smiled. Dr. Salassa is the first doctor I trust. She doesn't seem ego-invested; she is more focused on me, what I want, and why I want it. She was also the only doctor out of four I saw who offered me an anterior approach. There was another reason: my age. I am eighty-two years old. I assumed I would heal faster now than when I was much older. Dr. Salassa told me that was not true. Because the appliance is cemented into the femur, no healing was involved. It's done. I questioned whether there were shifted muscles and incisions in the skin. My upper left thigh is still somewhat numb from the THR I got last June. It continues to get better. I pointed out a bit of 'thread' still sticking out at the bottom of the incision on my upper thigh. She felt it, squeezed, and out it came.

The doctor said there were two reasons to have the surgery: severe pain and limitations to what I wanted to do. My upper thigh muscles are hurting when I walk these days. Is the problem because my hip is worse or because I've changed my gait because of my bruised foot?

I showed her the foot and asked if I should be concerned about a break. She said if I could walk on it in my squooshy Oofos, there was no way I could have a broken foot. A bruised foot takes a long time to heal. All that blood has to be pumped up and out, and I put my weight on it.      

We agreed I would make an appointment for the surgery. The doctor thought the earliest date would be in July. I could cancel a month before. I'll make the decision when I schedule the pre-op medical clearance.

I had a session with Adolescent D at 2 p. I was reading two books on learning and memory. Memory is a big problem for him. He also makes zero effort to remember, mostly because he doesn't know how.

First, I asked him what he wanted to work on. He said, reading. Okay. Which reading activity are we doing? Blank. He couldn't remember what they were. I can't begin to tell you how often we have gone over the steps. This is where his bad habits show up. What do we all do when we have trouble remembering? We keep searching our minds to find any trace of anything related to the question. Sometimes memories come to us fully formed, like Athena springing from Zeus's head, but just as frequently, it's vague, and we have to work to bring them into focus. We remember an image, maybe only tangentially related, like where we were when we learned a fact or some related fact- even one. That acts like a thread pulling up the rest of the memory. He does nothing. It either happens or it doesn't. I asked him what he did to help himself. He always says nothing. Some of this is the normal state of unawareness. Some of it is downright stubbornness. He either does or doesn't remember; he makes no effort and feels he shouldn't have to. I'd be bald if I pulled my hair out every time he responded that way. If it requires conscious awareness, he's out. Yes, we all love it when it comes easily, but not everything does. Sometimes, we have to work for it.

Today, I had a second student who is not open to change, second grade M. In our last session, I saw her go brain-dead when she couldn't immediately understand my questions. I started today's session with a story.

When I was a sophomore in college, I went out on a group blind date. A group of girls from my school, Cortland State Teacher's College (now SUNY at Cortland), was set up on a blind date with a group of guys from Cornell. We were in a bar, sitting around a table. The guys made fun of us. They were, after all, Ivy League students with a bunch of girls from a vastly inferior school. It wasn't great. I don't remember feeling frightened, but I do remember that I suddenly couldn't make sense of what they were saying. I mean, I didn't understand a word. I had never had an experience like that in my life. I see brain freeze like this in my students. While I didn't feel fear, I understood I must have been afraid.

The story provided good access into M's mental state. Yes, she understood going brain-dead like that; nothing makes sense. I offered her ways to change it so she wouldn't experience that mental state. She refused. First, she said it was okay because her teacher gave her something to help her calm down when she got into that mental state. Then she said she didn't want to change. Wow! Eight years old and ready to make a declaration like that. I asked her if she wanted the world to change to accommodate her. Yes, that is what she wanted.

Now, in all fairness, I can remember one therapist saying I needed a complete personality change. I snarled at him. His presentation lacked compassion. He had no tolerance for me. I don't bring out the best in most therapists. I might have been open if he hadn't made such a sweeping generalization but pinpointed a specific aspect of my behavior.

When did I understand I could change and still be me? I was an undergraduate. I understood that change meant I was adding something to my vocabulary of me. There are things "I was" that have taken a back seat to other things. It was interesting and enlarging. The only thing I couldn't bear was being around people who had contempt for me or were so frightened that they had to attack me- my mom. I want out of there the moment I detect that in a person. If my personality were big enough, I would find a way to tolerate that behavior and blow it off. Not there yet.

I watched Tourist's Guide to Love. The banter was fun, and the actress in the lead role delivered the lines well. The movie was shot on location and provided some great views of Vietnam—my idea of touring a country. There's much I miss, viewing the world from my easy chair. The touring style in the movie is more to my taste, where you savor the environment instead of getting in as many sights as possible. I hate running from pillar to post to see sites. Not my thing.