Wednesday, April 12, 2023

 Wednesday, April 12, 2023

 I woke up feeling lousy again. It felt like grief. I decided it was a shame. My mother was an expert on cultivating shame. It was partially a family tradition, with her particular brand of insanity added due to some challenging moments in her life. The woman had PTSD, but it wasn't recognized in her day. Only soldiers suffered from 'shell shock."

 Unbelievably, framing my pain as shame was calming. In Vipassana, they say all classification of physical sensations as emotional is counterproductive. My experience today contradicts that theory. As with everything, it depends on when and how you use it. In Why Buddhism is True, Wright wrote that the Buddha said the best thing was always the most appropriate for a situation. How's that for a narrow window of possibility, an impossible dream? Be the right thing for all people at all times. Self-forgiveness must be a significant component of any religion that sets such a high goal.

  I had to get up early this morning to drive Melissa and her husband to the airport. I was out with Elsa shortly after six am. I ran into Dean without Nina. She had to go to work early. He explained he had been at the dentist yesterday with his father-in-law. He lost a filling on Friday. He had an appointment first thing in the morning. Dean and Nina accompanied him because he spoke no English. Nina had to be there to translate.

 Dean said his father-in-law believed he was going to live forever. A fortune teller told him he would have a bad year in which he would nearly die a few times. If he survived it, he would live forever. One year, he fell off a roof and landed in a chair. How's that for dumb luck. He was also diagnosed with a severe block in his heart. He had a stint put in.  

  Dean tells funny stories. His in-laws speak only Chinese, and Dean understands practically none. He says he knows when they're talking about him because they whisper, even though they know perfectly well he couldn't understand them even if they shouted.

  I took Elsa with me when I went up to pick up Melissa and Larry. They live a few minutes away at the top of Kukuna. They were waiting at the gate of their driveway when I arrived. How's that for punctuality!? Melissa had some flowers for me. She told me more about her interaction with the deaf community.

  She contracted German measles during her second pregnancy. Her research showed her baby might be born deaf or with a heart problem. (I remember mental deficiency is also a possibility.) She wouldn't consider an abortion. She prepared herself by getting involved with the deaf community. There was a school for deaf students nearby. She visited there. She had identical twins; neither was impacted by German measles.

  She visited that area after many years. The school had been closed because there weren't enough deaf children in the area to sustain it. Nowadays, babies are evaluated for deafness and blindness immediately after birth. Most deaf children receive cochlea implants almost immediately, so there aren't many such children anymore.

  I meditated for an hour when I came home from dropping Melissa and her husband at the airport. They were on their way to Australia. Melissa volunteers as an OBGYN in the outback for three months. I think they go there twice a year. It's quite a change from Hawaii.

   When I came home, I meditated for an hour. Afterward, I was exhausted and slept for several hours. Meditation leaves me tired instead of refreshed. It didn't always do that. I relied on meditation when I was working full-time teaching. I fit in two hours a day. Now, I need help fitting in twenty minutes a day.

 I walked Elsa several times today. My foot became inflamed. I wasn't going to make my five thousand today. My streak would be broken.

   I had Adolescent D at two pm. I asked him if his teacher had gotten back to him on the list of possible topics he had for his project. He said no. I told him to email her again. When he looked, he found she had responded. She said all the topics were good. I pushed him to identify the next step, however bizarre it might be. I suggested jumping out of the plane and screaming, "Help!" He said, finding someone to interview. Excellent. "How might you find someone to interview?" I needed to get something from him. The thought in my head was to ask his parents for help. I had already suggested that in another session. He finally offered, "Go to a farmer's market." That was a brilliant idea. "Okay, what will you do when you get there?"  "Ask someone if their products are locally grown." My God, yes, yes. "Then what would you say?"  "Can I interview for a class assignment?" He had it all perfectly.

 Then he said he didn't want to interview anyone. Huh? Why so adverse. D hides. I don't see his face on the Zoom video. He only showed it to me once. Today, he said he hid because he had some secrets. I asked him if I would hate him if I knew. He said no at first. Then, I changed it when I asked if his mom would hate him. He decided both of us would. He said it had nothing to do with school. This boy has a huge moral imagination. I can't imagine what he thinks he is or has done that would provoke me and his mom to hate him.

   As I thought about it, there's a good chance everyone already knows whatever D is hiding from them. When I said everyone in his eighth-grade class knew he couldn't read, he didn't think so. His teacher assured me they did. The boys helped him when they could. The girls made fun of him. What is it that he thinks he's hiding? I told him that it was indeed a heavy burden, and his mom would only feel sad if he hadn't told her sooner.

  I signed in for my Wednesday session with Mama K's crew. I look forward to working with them. They are all making great progress at this point. Mama K told me she sees a difference in the way they talk. This is a group with delayed development. I know Mama K was in special ed when she was in school. She didn't get the help she needed to catch up.

  First grade Steven's mom was ready by three pm, seven o'clock, their time in California. We did it by phone today. Steven said he didn't want to work with me because he was playing a game with his mom. I told him he could continue playing. Okay. I worked on his name again. Today, he imitated the individual sounds in his name (the phonemes). I didn't require him to make the sounds. He did it spontaneously. This is a huge step in the right direction. I heard him speak more clearly, too. I asked his mom if she saw a difference in his speech. Steven is often unintelligible to people who don't know him well.

  After our short session, I spoke to Steven's mom. He is rhyming words more. No, she hadn't heard a difference in his speech. She would be the last to hear because she didn't hear he had a speech problem in the first place. She is used to his accent. Except for his difficulty articulating clearly and his phonemic awareness, which may cause his delay in reading, Steven is ahead of most of the children in his grade in his ability to express himself.

  Completing my five thousand steps was out for today. My left calf muscle seized up, and my foot was inflamed. I texted Scott to ask if he could walk Elsa. I heard the front door open and close. I ran out and yelled after Scott. Did he get my text? Yes. He and Yvette would walk her. She would be a few minutes. Elsa was giving me that look. I put her on the leash and walked her out. We didn't get beyond the driveway. My foot and my calf hurt too much.

  A mail truck drove by but didn't drop anything off. No mail today. Scott came out, saw me in the driveway, and took Elsa. Yvette came up a few minutes later, looking for him. I told her he was on his way. She chased after him. When Scott got home, he announced she had done her business on the walk. Yay!

 I watched the final episode of New Amsterdam. I loved it.