Saturday, July 30, 2022

Saturday, July 30, 2022

I slept well, as I always do. When my alarm went off, I didn't want to get up;  I was somewhat depressed. I did my morning walk with Elsa. I don't dwell as much when I'm active. I can be fine within myself, but I am susceptible to negative feedback. We are all sensitive to it—someone with no sensitivity is classified as a sociopath. We're social animals designed to care about what others think of us and how the members of our group are doing. We monitor the behavior and welfare of others as they do with us.

  After walking and feeding Elsa, I meditated for an hour. I'm just fine when I watch my breath. My life goal was total healing, not just coping. I could strive for this and learn for my own sake and others. I saw myself as a guinea pig in this experiment. I learned a lot and accomplished a lot. What I have to offer won't be widely known, but I contributed as part of the zeitgeist. Many of the ideas I've held for years are becoming mainstream without my input. I have also helped individuals. If they haven't already, someone will come up with the ideas I generated. I'm just part of my time doing my job to move things along.

 After meditating, I needed a nap. Meditating used to refresh me; now, it exhausts me. I'm not sure why. It's not a bad exhaustion. I feel deeply relaxed, and the naps are lovely.

   I got an email from Tom Ockler, a fantastic PT I worked with once who made a huge difference. He posted glute exercises. My PT gave me one too. I incorporated it more into my walk. Tom's video inspired me to push harder on my right glute, open the hip, and stretch my psoas and inner thigh muscles. When I did that, my stride was equal.

 In Batchelor's book, Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist, I learned more about the rigidity of Buddhism. My exposure is through Vipassana. When S. N. Goenka talked about learning from our own experience, I took him at his word. That's what I did, and that's what I do. However, Batchelor had a different experience. I had the same experience with my father. We would discuss something until I saw it his way. It is what the traditional Buddhists are like, too, at least the Tibetan and Zen Buddhist Batchelor encountered. He was supposed to listen to his perceptions but come to the same conclusions as the religion's elders.   

 The other thing I learned about is the Buddhist commitment to the belief in reincarnation. When Batchelor questioned it, his teachers were appalled. If people didn't believe in reincarnation with their belief in karma, there would be no reason to live a moral life. Karma and reincarnation promise rewards and punishments for our behavior in this life. The Christian religion promises heaven and hell.  

 I was raised in an agnostic household that didn't believe in heaven and hell. I lived with three other women in Northport on Long Island in my early twenties. One was a devoted cradle Catholic. She said, "I was raised to believe that someone who wasn't religious couldn't be moral. Betty, you're the most ethical person I have ever met." My sister and I were raised thinking about moral issues. What made an act moral or immoral? My father said, "Our freedoms end where the other guy's nose begins."  It's a nice saying, but some people have huge noses that stick into everything. Defining moral behavior is not that simple.

  For the past six months, since Elsa had accepted that her dad, Mike, was not coming back, she has been attached to me. Wherever I went in the house, Elsa went after me. She stood at the door if I left the house and barked nonstop. Except – at night as I watch TV shows. Then she was nowhere to be seen. One night, I walked around the house looking for her and couldn't find her. She also didn't join me when I went to bed at night. She sometimes joined me in bed only after I fell asleep. Weird.

   I watched a Netflix show, Purple Hearts. Not half bad.

  _________

Musings:

It has been a while since I have created a separate section for this thinking. I have incorporated some of my ideas into the body of the text.

  Someone told me they "sacrificed" to do something for me. Those are fighting words. The person comes from a military background. This is a cheap word in that context, easily bandied about. Parents talk about how they sacrifice themselves for their children. In today's world, there is no such thing as a parent who didn't choose to have a child. It has changed since the Supreme Court overturned Roe versus Wade.

 So, let's define sacrifice. When is an action with unpleasant consequences a sacrifice? When is that word applicable? The military uses that word. People sacrifice their limbs, their lives, their sanity, and their hope of ever living an everyday life for their country. It pits something they want against something they absolutely don't want. They don't want to be maimed, die, have PTSD, and be incapable of living a 'normal' life. On a rate from 1 to 10, those choices rank at one, if not lower. They're willing to make that sacrifice for something they value. It is a sacrifice.

  But some people use that term to describe having chosen chocolate over vanilla when they only slightly prefer that chocolate over that vanilla. Then there is everything in between. We should develop an algorithm to determine when someone has a right to use that word.

  Besides comparing the outcomes of 'sacrifice,' we compare the things for which we can sacrifice ourselves. Movie actors often face very uncomfortable situations, if not downright dangerous ones, to achieve an effect in a movie. Do we consider that a sacrifice? Do we value sacrifice for art as much as we do sacrifice for others? Is it truly less of a sacrifice because it doesn't impact someone's life in the same way? Does a parent's discomfort for their child qualify as more of a sacrifice?  

  Whatever, I take offense at the idea that anyone sacrificed for me. They should have talked about it with me if they had to give up that much of what they wanted. I don't want someone to sacrifice for me if it can be avoided. People who use that term to describe their behavior are far from sacrificial. They are manipulative and punishing. They expect to be rewarded because something wasn't perfectly what they wanted. They hold some fantasy that their other choice would have been perfect.