I was still tired when the alarm went off this morning at 6:00, even though I was in bed by 9:30 last night. I hit the snooze button and considered not going to Bikram. I had two other appointments today, so I had an excuse. I got up after I hit the snooze button for the second time. I made sure to put on my new pedometer. It is 1200 steps from my house to the end of the street and back. Since I wear the pedometer all day, I'm sure I do more than 4,000 steps a day. I noticed that I was not missing Mike as I walked. I almost feel that I was so comfortable with him, and he became so much a part of me that I can't conceive of him not being around. It sounds a little like the same thing I felt when my mom told me my dad was dead when I was 15. I thought, "He can't be dead. I'm still breathing."
I'm also thinking I can still feel good about myself because he did something to affirm me every day. I don't actually hear his voice saying, "You're so pretty," and "I love you." But that feeling of being enjoyed stays with me. I figure if I can still hear my mother's voice criticizing me and putting me down after all these years, why shouldn't I hear Mike's voice praising me? But I don't hear the words. I'm just left with the feeling, the afterglow, which comes when someone smiles at you with unrestrained pleasure.
I continued working on relaxing the left hip in Bikram. Concentrating on this means there are things I used to be able to do I can't now. Once I get my hip correctly aligned, then I will discover what my range of motion is from this new perspective. It's a gradual unwinding.
During class, JJ crouched down beside me. I expected him to say something. I looked at him expectedly. He said, "You just do your thing, and I'll do mine." As I worked, he pushed the tissue of my right thigh up. This caused me to contact those thigh muscles as I hadn't before. I felt my abs tighten up, and my spinal curvature change dramatically. OMG, my whole posture changed. It is incredible how a small change can create such a big one.
JJ came out to the car as I was packing up my car to ask me if I would be interested in participating in a private class on Friday from 9:30-11. You better believe I would! He is the most fantastic teacher. I can't wait to hear what his insights are. He has told me in the past that he is aware of the way I work. I suggested to him that he point this out to the other students in the class. While many come up to me and tell me that I'm an inspiration, I think they are only thinking of my stick-to-itness. They think of me as an old lady with a handicap who keeps on coming. They are not aware of how carefully I work, how precisely. I have objectives. He walked back into the studio, turned around to tell me that like me, his grandmother loved Hersey's Milk Chocolate bars with whole almonds. Wow! He's still reading the blog.
I went to Safeway after Bikram. I needed more salad and didn't have time to wait for Costco to open at 10 to do my shopping there. I bought a bean soup and an apple. Of course, I checked to see if the Hersey bars were still on sale. Sadly, no.
Driving home, I thought of the files sitting on Mike's desk in his desktop file rack. I could use the stand to organize my work, but the idea of throwing out his work is just too much for me. When I think of doing that, grief hits. Will I really never be able to tell him again how much I love him, tell him I love him so much it's silly, or that the best part about him is he's mine and see that grin of pleasure on his face?
I read something in NY Times last night about people dressing up like puppies so they can behave in openly affectionate ways. Apparently, it is prominent in the gay male community. How sad that anyone needs to pose as another species to have an excuse to be childishly affectionate. I'm the one who said the silly stuff, Mike didn't do that. But it was clear that he loved having me behave that way. I guess it's a man thing.
I went home, showered, washed my Bikram stuff, and got myself ready for my 11 o'clock healing appointment. I actually forgot to do MELT and use the Tiger Tail. While waiting, I took pictures of my driver's license and the address part of a document to prove my residence for the Princeton Health Department to secure my marriage Certificate. I tried to download the pictures into the application form. The whole thing disappeared. When I went to start again, it wouldn't allow me access. I had no way of finding what I had done. I gave up, printed out the application form, and the two photographs and put it in the hard mail. It's done. Hopefully, this is good enough. Yes, I remembered to put a check in the envelope, too. It's interesting, I don't feel "why me?" when it comes to the tragedy of losing Mike; why not me? But these technical problems do evoke my self-pity.
My 11 o'clock appointment didn't answer. My first concern is for my client's welfare. He's in his twenties. I have to consider that for him, just not answering is answering.
I got busy with domestic chores. Since I am at home, I am never at a loss for something to do. I took out the recycling and heated up at least 3 more pots of water for my weeds. They really got out of hand. Our growing season is 12 months, but I see a difference between how the weeds grow in the 'winter' versus how they grow in the 'spring.' Trust me, those seasons exist here, but they look nothing like they look in New Jersey or Ohio.
I've been getting notifications from Apple that my credit card wasn't viable anymore. I
couldn't figure out why, nor did I know my password or how to reset it. I tried to fix it on my computer. I finally followed the prompts on my phone. It listed the credit card as expired. I figured out how to update it. Done.
My tutoring student arrived. I see improvement in her word attack skills; she is decoding multi-syllable words with much greater ease. I also see she is willing to stick with a word she doesn't know and figure it out. She doesn't just look at a word and immediately say, I don't know.
She has responded well to the comprehension activity I do with her focusing on deconstructing each sentence and how each sentence relates to every other sentence in a paragraph. Her teachers at school have her reading on a low first-grade level. My first thought was that this is too low for her, but I have learned she doesn't do well on the comprehension activities, even at this low level. I have no idea why. Her aunt is going to have her teacher call me. I am hoping to have access to her reading exercises so I can figure out what she is doing wrong. I don't believe it is because she has trouble with word recognition skills. In the meantime, I will continue working at a higher level, so she has exposure to grade-level vocabulary and sentence structure.
I worked on the blog. I walked Elsa and called Judy while walking. I called my friend about her grandson, who was my 11 o'clock no show. I wanted to know that he was all right. I did consider that he was just of the new generation and letting me know he didn't want to or couldn't keep his appointment was not on his agenda. He had told her he found the session interesting and was looking forward to our Tuesday session. Why didn't he call? I'm still a little worried about the boy.
Mike got his bill a from Kaiser for 2019. The total bill was $589,479.13; our share was $3,400. Mike and I love the Kaiser health plan. It's the best medical coverage we've ever had. We also found the service excellent.
I did more work on the blog and took Elsa for the final walk of the evening. I went to bed and then said, "Goodnight, Elsa. Goodnight, Mike."
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