Wednesday, June 10, 2020

 Boy, did I have a bad night!  I felt that I made the wrong decision about the car. I was motivated by a false sense of desperation. I believe the dealer took advantage of me too.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t gone to the Ford dealership and seen a functional ohana. That GM valued his employee and his customers. The poor guy I dealt with is desperate to get for himself.  Too bad for him. Not a great way to live. I feel like I’ve committed to a bad marriage.

    I am more upset by this than Mike’s death.  In the case of Mike’s death, I was always true to myself and him.  Had I let the nurse at the dialysis center bully me into not taking him to the emergency room, then I would have been in an entirely different situation.  While I have some questions if I did the best by him, it’s not to the point where I am drowning in regret as I am now.  I did this to myself. I had options and couldn’t see them.  Josh and I could have shared the car for six months until the Ford Fusion 2021 came in. This is the cause of my pain.  I did not listen to myself.  I had thought the car was a 2020. Who has a 2019 still on their lot?  I could have stopped the process the moment I heard it was 2019 as I was signing the paperwork. I could have brought the whole process to a halt then and there.  It is that I regret; it is that betrayal of my better instincts that I grieve. 

    When I got up at 6, I was dizzy. I headed back to bed. When I got up at 8, I was in better shape. I still didn’t plan on doing one of my longer walks. Instead, I was going to head to the end of the block and come right back. However, I felt fine when I got to that point and decided to go up the hill.  My legs did just fine.  I went up to the first fire hydrant so I could see how the new house was progressing. I passed another property that has had a lot of work done on it. 

    A rock wall had been put up at the base of the property. I always associated rock walls with New England. Because of the melting glaciers flowed over that land, the land up there is very rocky. Farmers pile up rocks to mark the borders of their property.  New English rock walls look very different from Hawaiian rock walls. The New England ones are just a pile of rocks. The ones in Hawaii have a flat side. The new England rocks were tumbled and don’t have a flat side. The Hawaiian rocks were laid down by lava flow and were smoothed by the lava flowing over them. I would imagine the Hawaiian rock walls are more difficult to build, requiring more skill. The land surrounding the new house had been sculpted, and the house had sides and a roof on it. The workmen were doing work inside the house.

    When I got home,  I set up Elsa’s food to absorb the hot water before I served it to create a gravy. I decided to check out the remaining hibiscus with blister mites.  I pulled off any leaves that were infected.  I remember the guy at Farm and Garden telling me I could pick off the leaves. I’m not sure if picking off the leaves a substitute for cutting the shrub back and treating the plant with some toxic chemicals.  I will have to check with Margo.

    When I came back in, I realized that poor Elsa had been waiting for her food to be served for quite some while.  Once I fed her, I sat down to work on the computer. Elsa sat at my feet and scratched.  Dr. Marty claims that his food will relieve skin problems, but this is not my experience. Since I have taken her off the half and half mix of Science Diet and Dr. Marty’s and put her on all Dr. Marty’s, her skin has gotten worse. She is licking herself raw.  I am still giving her the medication or giving it to her again.  I’ll wait a little bit longer before I start with Science Diet again. The ingredients do look terrible. The first ingredient is cornstarch, the second hydrolyzed chicken, and from there on, it is al