Monday, April 25, 2022

Monday, April 25, 2022 

 

    I slept well. Sadness lingered, eating at my gut. It was particularly frustrating because, in my world, there were solutions. But if I have to deal with someone who won’t talk, I can do nothing. I appreciate that the people I am thinking of associate ‘discussion’ with being manipulated or bullied into doing something someone else’s way. That was their experience. But it’s not the way I operate. I discuss; I don’t argue. I present my point of view with vigor, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think the other person’s needs are just as important. I expect the other person to be as concerned about my needs as theirs. Mike saw that capacity in me. He observed me in group therapy sessions and understood I was just as concerned about the other person’s needs as mine. I always prefer an our-way solution over a my-way. I often asked Mike if he felt controlled because I was so content. He said no. Did that mean I liked everything about him, or he liked everything about me? Absolutely not. But we both got enough of what we needed to have the situation be at least good enough and often fantastic. Boy, do I miss that relationship? It started well and got so much better over the years. How can I get over a loss like that?

  I called the long-term care company today. When I called last week, they said their insurance covered licensed nurses, therapists, and aides employed by certified agencies. Well, accredited agencies no longer exist on the Big Island, for now. My PT said Medicare is putting them out of business by tightening the standards and lowering the reimbursement. As my friend Carol pointed out, the current immigration policy has eliminated a pool of people willing to do that work. Several industries feel the loss of that labor pool. My question today was what constituted a licensed therapist. It must be someone certified in physical, occupational, or speech therapy. I assumed I would need a prescription for one of those for the insurance company to cover it. At least I’m not paying premiums anymore. Our agent tricked us into buying premium insurance; when one of us required long-term care or died, the other would no longer have to pay premiums. It used to be $5,000 a year. That was a chunk of change I no longer had to pay once Mike died.

  Yvette came up this morning to slip a compression sleeve on my left knee. Josh lent me his knee brace. It didn’t feel like it was doing much. I found the sleeve draped over the arm of my old lady chair when I returned from one of my walks. I tried to put it on this morning. Good luck! I couldn’t reach my left foot to slip it on. I think it’s too snug for me to get it on using the handicap tools. Yvette did a great job. 

   I didn’t solve the wordle puzzle today. This is the second time I have missed it. Thank God they give you the correct answer now. When I started, I could try endlessly by refreshing the site. Now, I only get six tries before they provide the solution. If I never knew the answer, that would be painful.

   I had my Reading & Writing office hours this morning for Step-Up Tutoring. Three people were scheduled, but only one showed up. A second came on briefly as I worked with the first and then left. Acuity said they were ‘bounced.’ I wasn’t sure what that meant. Did she leave the site, or was she forced off? I emailed her, assuming she had left because I wasn’t discussing something that interested her. I sent her an email explaining that I answered each person’s questions. She was welcome to ask hers.  

   The one person who did show up wanted help with comprehension. She was working with a 3rd-grade boy from a Spanish-speaking family. As I always do, I explained that these children don’t understand academic language in Spanish any more than they do in English. There is no need for it in their South American communities. Students who come to the US with a rich academic background learn the language very quickly and have no problems with comprehension. The importance of lateral transfer is huge. I showed her how to ask questions about each sentence. Language is a puzzle to be figured out. It took half an hour. I wasn’t sure how much the tutor understood the process. I hope she gets back to me to let me know what worked. There are many skills involved in comprehension. Just understanding the relationship of the words in the text to each other is just one.      

    Later in the day, I got a call from a volunteer from the Hospice service. I had asked to be included in the spouse bereavement group before Covid. They told me the meeting had been suspended due to Covid. Today I got a call about a meeting at noon tomorrow. They met on Zoom during the pandemic, but no one called me. Probably, they were short of volunteers. I told her I was not meeting in any indoor situations without some distance until after my surgery. I didn’t need the bereavement group when my husband died, but it’s getting worse now.   She asked if I would like to speak to a counselor. Yes. Susan called an hour later. I set up an appointment for Friday. The sessions were free, but they accepted donations.

     I read two books on similar subjects that say the same thing from different perspectives, Steve Batchelor’s Faith to Doubt from the Buddhist perspective and Thomas Merton’s Seed of Contemplation from the Catholic one. Both authors say the goal of mediation/contemplation is not knowing, living in a constant state of uncertainty. Buddhism is grounded in the here and now and in Nirvana. Its goal is the cessation of suffering. According to Merton, the goal of contemplation is to seek God, always ask what is God way, accepting that we will never achieve a solid answer. The mystery of God is too great. Merton also says the goal should only be to know God, not to expect or even hope for peace of mind. He’s a lousy salesman. He doesn’t say why anyone should do this. 

   However, I heard a Buddhist teacher say pretty much the same thing. We come to meditation because we want peace of mind. That represents craving, a slippery slope that leads to defeat. As we mature as meditators, we should come to the process with no goals, no expectations, and no cravings.

   What both these men say resonates with me. I read The Cloud of Unknowing when I was a kid. I didn’t understand a word of it then. The language is arcane and tortured. I mean, I literally didn’t understand a word. I recently tried to read it. I still didn’t understand a word, but the title had meaning for me. These men describe that experience while coming from two very different religious traditions. Regarding contemplation, the deep spiritual aspect of religion, all religions come together in a shared vision, each with its own twist.