Saturday, April 30, 2022

 Saturday, April 30, 2022

 

      I was in doze mode for most of the night, thinking of many things I had done wrong, failing friends and family, and processing shame. While I told my friend she had no need to feel so angry with herself, my morning reverie reminded me that shame, in her situation, is not a choice. Shame hits us reflexively. She would just have to process it. That would be her present to herself. 

   B passed me on the road while on one of my short walks. He asked," Do you eat . . . .?" I had no idea what he said. He reached over to the driver's seat and showed me a plastic bag with half a dozen fish. I had no idea what they were. Could I do anything with these fish? I can barely make something satisfying with the prepared frozen fish I buy at Costco. No, I didn't want one. Only if it came cooked. "You cook it; I'll eat it." I'm no fool. He asked me when I generally ate -between 6:30 and 7 pm. 

     It was a low-key day. I washed another section of the library floor. It was surprisingly dirty. I measured the space between the two bookshelves and the queen-sized bed in the guest room. The futon would fit in there perfectly. 

  I didn't have the patience to work on the wordle puzzle. I got the answer again after putting one of my test words in. I was close. I had lar, but I didn't follow through. I might have gotten larva. I was just too stressed to handle that frustration. 

   I had the M & W sisters this afternoon. First-grade M wanted to work on a new story about Rabbits. She announced she wanted to do research. I found a site for kids: National Geographic Kids, rabbits. We spent a good part of our time with her reading the information. It is well above grade level. She only made one questionable mistake; she read off for.

   Fifth grade W said she wanted to write a new story and then changed her mind. She couldn't think of anything. I told her that was what I wanted to work on. I wanted her to learn how to generate ideas if you just let your mind wander. She came up with the image of an RV that served as a home for a family of five. The story developed from there.

  When I was out on my before-dinner walk, B texted me to tell me dinner was in my microwave, ready to warm up. He came in when I got home. He didn't prepare the fish he showed me. Those are filled with bones. He went out to buy fresh ahi. When I peeled back the aluminum foil, there was a good-sized piece of fish, white rice, and a side bowl with zucchini and mushrooms. While I expected the fish to be good, the vegetable side dish was a surprise. I hadn't tasted anything like it since Mike died. He would cook veggies that way. Me, I put some frozen veggies in a bowl with some butter and toss the mix into the microwave for three minutes. It keeps me alive.

  While B was here, I had him do one of my chores. I cleaned the fan blades earlier in the day. One of the fanlights was filled with animal remains. I tried to get the globe off but couldn't. It was too tight for me. B had to struggle with it. In the process, one of the layers of glass got cracked. Nothing fatal.

  In Batchelor's The Faith to Doubt, he discusses how Buddhism spread from India to China. He says those two cultures are as different as either one of them is from any Western culture. Confucianism was the dominant religion in China when Buddhism first arrived. The focus of Confucianism is the maintenance of the existing social order. Everyone has to maintain their place to preserve order. But then there was a disruption. A ruling group was overthrown. Confucianism' failed.' Buddhism spoke to individual salvation, not the salvation of the existing social order. Buddhism developed in India about 500 years before Christ, who also promoted the idea of personal salvation. I find it interesting that from the perspective of Confucianism, Buddhism brought an emphasis on the individual. Whereas by Western standards, Buddhism advocates the denial of the individual.

   Both Christianity and Buddhism emphasize the individual's salvation more than the earlier religions. These two religions developed at roughly the same time in two very different parts of the world. Interesting.