Tuesday, October 25, 2022

Tuesday, October 25, 2022

   

I slept last night, but it was not that deep, satisfying sleep that makes going to bed a joy. I had been under unusual stress; my hair was falling out. I didn't have a handful every time I touched my hair as my new friend Jackie did. Her hair started falling out after she had Covid. I only find strands on my keyboard. The THR surgery would be one source of stress. The upcoming tooth extractions worried me because I would have to walk around without replacement teeth for two to three months before my gums settled and I could be measured for the new teeth. This would impact my tutoring. I might not be able to speak clearly, and I would be unsightly. Being without that stimulation for several months, either because I couldn't speak clearly or because I'd be unsightly, is scary. I need the activity, the contact with other human beings, and the challenges of teaching, which I love. The extractions were on the same day as Mike's birthday. I miss him more every day, not less. Just being with him relieved built-up stress. There's nothing like a hug and a kiss from the right person. I talk to him nowadays more, not less. Will I sink into morbid grief eventually? At the rate I'm going, who knows?

  My body did well this morning. Elsa and I went around the block instead of just up and down our street. My legs gave me no trouble at all. The morning in-bed exercises were helping, but I still couldn't bend my left leg much more than I could before the surgery. I believe Mike damaged a muscle in my inner thigh when he wrenched my leg eighteen years ago. However, I remember not having the full range of motion in that hip in a yoga class doing the salutation to the sun before I ever met Mike. It couldn't be all his fault. He just made a bad situation a lot worse.

   On my early morning walk, I ran into Vince and Juli on the last leg of my walk before turning into my driveway. I turned around and walked with them. Vince walked ahead, and Juli and I talked. She told me she just got two large orders for hat embroideries after a fallow period. She also asked if I would consider joining a group to play Mexican trains. It sounds like a bridge or mahjong group. I have never participated in anything like that. 

  However, Juli is a lot like me. She is interested in everything and always has something to talk about. The Mexican train group would meet every other week for three hours at 4 or 6 p.m. If it's at four, people will bring food; if it's at 6 p.m. we have to come pre-fed. I told her four was out for me because I tutored. She said she would tell the group they had to meet at 6 to accommodate me. I'm expecting the other participants to be very culturally different from me. I wondered if I would fit in comfortably. I was willing to give it a try. Jean, my Hanai sister, told me she joined a mahjong group in her retirement community. It sounded like fun to play games with a group of people. It was worth a try.

   Juli talked about her favorite author, an orthopedic surgeon who writes young adult books with no cursing and no sex. I enjoyed the children's books I was reading with my students. She told me this author also wrote advice for other doctors, short paragraphs of insights. She said a good doctor must be an engineer and a construction worker. He told people they could purchase one of the surgical tools at an automotive parts store.

   I told the M & W sisters I might not meet with them next week as I recovered from the extractions. I also told them I would probably not look very good and would not appear on the video. M said she wouldn't mind me being without teeth. It was so sweet and loving.

  I felt stressed about visiting friends I hadn't seen since Mike died. We always related to each other as two couples. I would have to renegotiate our relationship. Today, I finally realized how I would feel without Mike there. This would be my first situation when I couldn't see his absence as temporary; he was out shopping, walking, or napping. I would have to face he was gone, permanently gone.   

   I told Yvette how I felt and could feel a good cry coming on. I got off the phone and sobbed for a good five minutes. Those deep, wracking sobs were wrenched from the depths of my body. Someone who heard me cry like that on the phone said it sounded like I was laughing. I've cried like that less than a dozen times in my lifetime. It was good to face it.

   My mother-in-law cut everyone she knew from before her husband's death out of her life when he died except her children and her brother and his family. Her friends were confused and dismayed by her behavior. When I heard that, I thought, "Leave it to Lee to do something like that. What a bitch!" Now I understand her motivation. Judy told me that many people do that when their spouse dies. I could understand it, but it didn't seem like a healthy response. I would blow off relationships with people I'd known for forty years. Aside from preferring to keep old friends, I think facing the pain of that loss is healthier than avoiding it. 

     I may have more strength than Lee. My whole identity wasn't wrapped up in being someone's wife. I didn't stop being a person when he died. That attitude wasn't all Lee's fault. It was the social attitude at the time. Widows were seen as threats to the marriages of their friends. Really? Well, in the bad ole days, you needed to be married to have a bank account or a credit card. The morality police didn't reinforce the limited position of women in society as it is in Iran right now, but it was pervasive. That all changed in my lifetime. It had changed in Lee's, too, but only after the death of her husband. I was still young and unmarried. I had a chance to adapt to the new world.

    One of my walking buddies came over. She is a mobile notary, and I needed something notarized for a lawyer in Germany to claim an inheritance. I needed proof of my name change from my maiden name to my married one. I never did anything official. I changed it two years after we were married to a hyphenated name. Somehow, the Department of Motor Vehicles, which issued my license, the Department of Social Security, and the Department of State, which issued my passport, all accepted my name change. I Xeroxed copies of my marriage certificate and passport in preparation for notarization. Rosemary looked at that and said, "I can't notarize those Xeroxed copies. You have to get official copies from the issuing departments." I contacted the law office and told them what Rosemary said. They said just send the Xeroxed copies as is; we'll see if that is good enough." I found a temporary driver's license and threw that in, too. I mailed them all by registered mail. It cost $20 instead of $1.50 to mail them to Germany.

  I saw the last of the Ted Lasso episodes. So sad. I didn't realize it was that as I was watching it. I only understood what it was at the end of the series when the 'next episode' displayed was not a Ted Lasso.

   The episode was brilliant. It wasn't a happy ending; they didn't resolve conflicts and all personal difficulties. Neither was it an ending designed to force the powers that be to produce another season. Shows that create a crisis for every main character invite the audience to pressure the production company to continue the show. In this final episode, there were significant changes in everyone's life. It could have been a season's final episode, but I was surprised it was the last-ever. A truly amazing series. It deserved every award it received.