Wednesday, November 2, 2022

 Wednesday, November 2, 2022

 

I've tried to explain the impact of widowhood. I'm not part of anything. I have no fixed place. I have friends, I have work, and I have family. But none of that makes up for losing Mike and the unit we created together. It's hard to explain the difference. It's obvious at one level. As Maggie Smith said, "You're not #1 for anyone." When the music stops, you no longer have someone's hand to hold.

   When your partner is there, you have someone who, if it means dying now, wants to do it with you. No, it's more than that. It's having a secure place in the world. While my home life as a child was difficult, my place was secure. We had assigned seats at the dining room table. The table was pushed up against the wall. My dad sat at one end, my mom at the other. Dorothy sat in the chair closest to my mom; I sat in the one closest to my dad. We had our places. We were secure. Mike gave me that security.

  When Mike's three-year-old, Damon, started to visit with Mike in our home in the commune, I insisted we set up a bed for him that stayed put whether he was there or not. He had a 'place' in our lives. It was always there. He was a fixed element of our lives.

  While the physical place is essential, it has to be backed by a psychological something or another. Mike and I made a family with Mike's first wife and her husband. There are people I am closer to genetically with whom I do not share that bond. They may not do it with anyone. They always float apart. Mike and I shared the need for family connections. We gave it to each other and built it with whomever we could.

  Not only have I lost my life partner, but I have no partners in other ways. I could have a business partner with whom I planned; we'd work together to build something. There's nothing like that in my life.

  My gums bothered me a bit more after the extractions. Chewing irritated them. I found the calendula rinse Shivani recommended for canker sores worked well for this problem. I put some water in my mouth and then a few drops of calendula oil from a dropper, hold it in my mouth for thirty seconds, and everything feels better. I wonder if it speeds up the healing process.

  It's been over a week since I sawed down the twenty-foot haole koa tree and started pouring a tea kettle of boiling water over it—still no new growth. I stopped treating the two-foot trees with boiling water a while ago, and still no trace of new growth. If I have found a non-toxic way to kill haole koa, I deserve a Nobel prize.

  I met with a new employee of Step Up Tutoring. She is an academic coordinator. She said she was interested in meeting with me to find out what I did and what suggestions I had to offer. She sounded like she was sincere. I don't think so. She was the one who canceled all the tutor support services. She wants to enforce a system she is introducing or being forced to introduce. She may not be comfortable with her assignment either. The contribution she wanted from me was information on what kind of help tutors were asking for, phonics or comprehension so that she could provide more activities. She had no interest in my input. I consider those categories too broad. Some can say phonics and some tutor is forced to work on a basic phonics program that's inappropriate for that student. I'm sure she is going to push me out. Too bad.

  While I was in the Zoom meeting with the academic coordinator, Elsa jumped up on me. It took me a minute to figure out what was upsetting her. My neighbor was using a nail gun to secure tar paper on his roof. While I had a grip on her, I checked her belly for lesions. I carried her to my ole-lady chair. We sat together for half an hour enjoying each other's company before I applied the salve to her boo-boos. She got off me as quickly as she could after that.

  I had a half-hour session with Dash today. I started asking him how his reading was going. He said he read a whole passage without assistance. I told him to tell his mom when he got off the phone. He does not appreciate how much they worry about him and how much news like that means to them.