Monday, April 29, 2024

 Monday, April 29, 2024

  One hell of a night. God, I felt terrible. Grief. Fear. Over-all anxiety. I think this is what Mike felt all the time. That's why he risked his health with the above-prescribed norms of anti-anxiety medication. I was concerned about it.  He said he would rather be dead than live with those feelings.  I understand perfectly. 

   This is the way I felt after my father died in March of 1956 until I left my mother's house for college in September of 1958.  I didn't have one good night's sleep. Fear dominated me. I had lost my protector.

  You might ask why I took her into my home at the end of her life.  Good question. I have good answers.  I loved my mother.  She was crazy but she allowed a select few to love her, my dad, my sister and me- and she was loveable the way a young child is loveable , regardless of what they do. 

  Shortly after Mike and I got together,  I took time off from my relationship with my mom, aware that it might be a permanent separation. I wrote her a letter telling her I had been afraid of her all my life and had tried everything else. This was my last resort. 

   In that letter, I also told her I dreamed of a situation where I would live communally, and she would be living there, too.  I saw her sitting on a slope with children running around her.

   Several months after she received the letter, my mom called to tell me she forgave me for what I said in my letter. She was old and would see me again.  See the problem? Zero concern for my thoughts and feelings. Zero. I told her I wasn't ready yet. That stung. But if I hadn't done that, taking her in the last 18 years of her life would have been out of the question. Mike would never have allowed it. I would never have allowed it.

   Besides impressing upon her that I was an independent agent over which she didn't have control, I did something else.  In my mind, I set a limit to how much criticism or insult I would tolerate. The number was three. If she exceeded the limit, I would make an excuse to leave with plans of coming back again. I learned this from my meditation retreats.  The meditation leader would say, "Start again! Start again!"  

   The final piece, which may have been the most important, was how Mike dealt with her behavior.  On our first visit to her home, when I introduced Mike to her, there was a determining incident. I needed to nap. I went up to my old bedroom to lie down. Mike, knowing exactly what my mom would do (tear me a new one for being rude), came up to the bedroom, pulled out the desk chair, turned it to face the head of the bed, sat in it, opened a book, and read. The message was clear.  My mom didn't attack me when my dad was around, and she wouldn't with Mike there. At some level, she knew it was inappropriate. She was just too damaged to control her worst impulses. Having someone who made it clear he wouldn't accept her behavior protected me and her from her worst impulses.

    I didn't do gentle yoga this morning because I planned to do Turtle Chi Qigong on the beach at Old A at 8 am.  I spoke to Jean, my Hanai sister, and Carol, an old friend, during my morning walk. Jean told me of the first meeting of the political discussion group she organized with a similarly inclined next-door neighbor.   Eight people showed up today. The decision was to table the Israeli/Gaza situation to avoid conflict.  They would start with health care. 

  One of the attendees at the meeting was in the healthcare business and agreed to make a presentation. Two participants were journalists, one was a Nobel Prize winner, and the others all held advanced academic degrees. This high-end retirement community is right outside Princeton. Need I say more? I was thrilled this was working out. Hopefully, they won't fall into the spirit of the zeitgeist; my way is the only way, and I'm prepared to kill or die for it. What a nightmare world we're living in!

   When I got home,  I called the solar warranty company. Could I send in my agreement form via email? Yes. I signed it and sent it in. It will be a good deal. It will at least cover the replacement of the old system that hasn't been working too well. I got a batch of bad panels, and ten of the twenty-five already needed replacement.  It's a great deal since the panels I will be getting will be a newer variety than the ones I originally installed and were replaced with similar ones.  The old ones were 300-something; the newer ones were 400-something. There's only one company currently even making 300s.  I'll get another good ten years out of the new babies.

    I wasn't expecting the Qigong to be good.  The man who had been leading it left for six months. He and his wife are snowbirds in Hawaii.   The fellow who was going to lead it didn't look like he knew what he was doing and didn't do the moves particularly well.  I had a wonderful time!  He did different exercises than the previous leader. The woman beside him could help him when he ran into trouble. She could have led the class.  We did a few movements and repeated them sixty-six times.  It was wonderful. I could get into the movements.

   I got a message from twenty-six-year-old S that she was sick and couldn't meet with me this morning. I got the message before I left the beach. I took advantage of the found time and sat at a picnic bench under a tree and watched the waves for an hour.  

  While I sat there, I called to make a same-day appointment with our beloved Dr. Reed. The woman is a fantastic doctor and person. She is so kind and loving.  She's on reduced hours now because she wants to spend more time with her new baby. It was supposed to be a same-day appointment. When she had nothing available that day, I thought I would 

have to call again on another day. No, the clerk gave me an appointment for Thursday morning at 8:20.  

    I went to Target next. I wanted to buy a loaf of Dave's bread and a cucumber.  I checked out the sales on frozen food and wound up with a $42 bill.  When I went to check out, I looked at each counter, looking for Judy, who works there starting this week. She's doing much better at this job than her job at Costco as a food demo worker. There, she had to stand in one spot with little movement. On the Target checkout line, she is in constant motion. At Costco, she had to woo people to try the wares. At Target, she just enjoys her contact with people as they checkout. This is wonderful.

   I went home after Target and sat down to write the above. Writing helps me. It's not what I say; it's just putting thoughts into words.  I enjoy the craft when I'm not avoiding it concerned, I will never find the words.