Wednesday, July 10, 2024

 Wednesday, July 10, 2024 

  My mind was still calm this morning when I woke up. I don’t think my mind has ever been this silent without effort. I’ve achieved degrees of peacefulness in mediation retreats, but this is different. It’s not so much peaceful - just less noisy. The trick was to confront the underlying fear. Learning that that fear is motivated by a primitive understanding of my life circumstances dictated by the experience of my forebearers as they roamed the savanna in search of food was very helpful.  It explained the intensity of that feeling.

 Confronting underlying fear has been the key to significant changes over and over.  The first time I faced fear, I was twenty. I was so wired that a sophomore teacher recommended I seek counseling. Good move. I took her up on it.  The therapist was somewhat of a jerk, but she asked a poignant question. Why did I act that way? I hiccupped out, “I’m scared.” I hadn’t even known before then that I was driven by fear. It was a good start.

  I went to Ulu Wini today. The kids have stopped coming to me for academic help. Some of it is they’ve put their brain on vacation mode. No one wants to work.  On Monday, when I asked going-into-sixth-grade ML if she wanted to work, she said, “No, I’m good.” I turned into a monster, not because she said no but because of how she said it.  I hate when people use euphemisms to avoid saying something directly, saying what they really want.  I wanted her to say, “No, thanks.” I bullied her into saying, “No.”  I saw an aspect of myself I’d never seen before.  I was appalled. I apologized to her today. She didn’t know what I was talking about. Still, I think it’s important for adults to apologize to kids when they act out and to take responsibility for their behavior.  It lets kids know they have the right to their feelings.

   I don’t know the impact of my apology on ML. I made a more routine error with Twin E the other day.  I instructed her to look at the word without clarifying where she should look, on the page or in her mind.  I didn’t do the same thing I had done with ML but expressed frustration. The frustration was really hers if I was unclear.  When I asked her if it made her feel better or made no difference, she said it made her feel better. I know when I hear someone say, “I’m sorry,” in a tone that suggests concern for me instead of a plea not to be beaten, it soothes my nerves. Customer service agents always use it, apologizing for things that are in no way their fault. Ahhhh! Every nerve in my body cools down.

   On Monday, I tried to introduce a phonemic exercise to Shauntel. I sounded out the letters /th/ and the /e/ as in the.  She looked confused. I tried it on one of the kindergartners. Boy! I  think that strategy didn’t work. I never introduced phonemic awareness that way before; I won’t ever use it again.

   I have always introduced it by saying the word first and then making the sounds. I’ve never had that fail. As I think of it, I ignored a basic pedological principle: always work from the known to the unknown. I started with the unknown. I spoke to Shauntel about her reaction.  I understood it. When I first learned about phonemes in a graduate linguistics class when I was twenty-three, it blew my mind. It still blows my mind. It’s like discovering the world you thought was solid isn’t; it’s made of little bits of other things temporarily stuck together by some force that could easily fail.

   Lutz has successfully killed unwanted trees by drilling holes in them and pouring in small amounts of Round-Up.  I tried it with one tree.  I had trouble drilling the hole. The other day, I asked for more detailed instructions.  What size bit did he use?  Half-inch bits on the Schefflera. Oh, boy.  I used a small one.  Even with that one, I had trouble getting it into the tree. Rather than drill a hole, it just pushed the material aside. What was I doing wrong?

   I went to Home Depot to pick up more 30% vinegar and the large bits Lutz recommended. I found two sold independently- not in a package of bits. They were advertised as containing titanium. I hope that makes them better bits. They were indeed more expensive. The individual ½ inch bit cost as much as a whole kit of a smaller one.