Tuesday, November 12, 2024

 Tuesday, November 12, 2024

   I was awake by 3:30. I got up and worked on updates. I checked the Grief Recovery Method online. It looks like it won't address my issues, but who knows. It talks about regret and guilt.  While I was surprised by how I behaved those last 5 weeks around Mike, I've formulated an understanding and forgiven myself.  It may be a rationalization, but I think it worked. When I weep about him, it is when I think he may not have what he wants now.  I want him happy in his death.  I always wanted him happy.  It was one of my greatest joys. 

    I ran into trouble with the grief counselor at the hospice center because my focus was on my loss instead of Mike's. Huh? Isn't it my grief I'm dealing with?

     People are often disconcerted by my point of view. For me, everything every human being does is selfish and self-centered. It doesn't matter what the act is.  Whether we die for our loved ones or make every effort to live for them, either way, it's grounded in selfishness. That's tough for many people to take. They would prefer a more magnanimous image of themselves. They like the idea of sacrifice.

     Sacrifice is part of any relationship if you view any form of change as self-sacrifice.  You can say you are allowing part of you to die when you make an accommodation for someone else. Some people have a very rigid view of who they are.  Doing anything differently than they have always done is a significant compromise and a loss of self. The other way of viewing it is you become a bigger self. You don't lose something you were; that part of you becomes a smaller aspect of you. 

    Many people prefer to define their personality by only their best traits and ignore or minimize the negative ones. 'Me' is always something positive. We have to learn to accept the whole package; otherwise, we deny reality. That's a tough order.

   Are there situations where you can become someone you don't want to be? I'm sure there are. If you are in an abusive company, accommodating to that can have disastrous results. However, you do not stop being you, an impossibility, I argue, but it will be a very unhappy version. Being true to ourselves is knowing what we want and what we don't want. Then, we have to explore how permeable we can be. We have to choose wisely who we adapt to. 

   I washed Joseph's bathroom floor.  It wasn't that dirty. I also washed the living room floor. That was dirtier.  I did a bit of weeding until my back complained. Then I needed a rest.  I'm unsure how much I needed that nap because I was tired versus bored.

    I finished the second Kristen Hannah book, The Things We Do For Love. Eh! She's a formulaic writer, and the language is mundane. The outcome was obvious. This book got more stars on Audible than Magic Hour, but I found the latter much more interesting.  

   I started listening to Eleanor Oliphant is  Completely Fine on Jean's recommendation.  Uh-uh. No way I was going to listen to that book.  It's supposed to have an upbeat ending.  The details of Eleanor's mental and emotional dysfunction are detailed and realistic.  The positive outcome is pure fantasy. Recovering from her traumas is twenty years of work, not one positive experience. I couldn't stand it.