As I lay dozing this morning, I had two nightmares. One was of Mike telling me I wasn’t as good a person as he was because I wasn’t ordained. The second was about his wanting to leave me because he was in love with another woman.
I had the first one because I started reading the book he wrote, ICON: A Theology of the Diaconate. He talks about the transformative experience of ordination. It is a significant ceremony. I was there. I had to be. I had to stand up and say I gave my permission for him to be ordained. All the men’s wives had to be there to do that. Mike never, and I do mean never, made any claims to a higher degree of perfection because he was an ordained deacon. He wouldn’t have gotten away with it if he had tried. But, obviously, I have some hidden feelings, probably not so much about his being ordained as worrying about the quality of my own goodness.
I can believe ordination is a transformative experience for those who are deeply invested in it. What kind of transformation, of course, depends on the person. For some, it’s an elevation of their stature. But for some, it involves a profound reevaluation of how they relate to others in all their capacities. For Mike, it definitely was the latter. He never, and I do mean never, lorded his position over anyone. If anything, he became a more humble person, more vigilant of his own tendency for arrogance.
The idea that a ceremony can be transformative reminds me of something I heard a while ago. I believe there have been studies made on how a woman changes as she walks down the aisle for her wedding. She assumes the role of the wife. For better and for worse, it is usually the model her mother provided for her. That’s why I didn’t want to get married. I was terrified that I would be similarly afflicted. I didn’t want to be anything like my mother, for any number of reasons.
The second dream is also easily explained. It was a dream I had periodically over the last several years when our relationship was, if anything, better than it had ever been. I would ask Mike periodically if he felt controlled by me. He would say no. I didn’t feel constrained by him either, and yet we both felt comfortable with what we were getting out of our lives with each other. (Hmm. This sounds familiar. I think I told this story before. It is still important to me.)
While we were both happy with ourselves and each other in the relationship, this does not mean there wasn’t room for improvement. There is always room for improvement. It means we were content with what it was, grateful for what it was, while aware there was more that was possible. Nonetheless, I had these dreams. When I woke up, I would tell Mike, who would have the only appropriate reaction: he laughed at the idea and gave me a hug. He knew where this was all coming from. My mother, meaning to be helpful, assured me that no one really liked me, and anyone who told me they did didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. Besides, I have had a few shockers in my life with people I thought liked me, revealing that they thought I was a monster. Wow! That knocked my socks off.
I lingered in bed. With dreams like that, you would have thought I would have jumped up and run for it. I did do a quick walk and made it back only 5 minutes later than usual. I did my oil rinse, washed the dishes, and drank my two cups of water. Off to Bikram.
I made it through the whole class today. I do believe I am getting a greater range of motion in my left hip. However, I still can’t reach my left foot easily. With the change in posture, I am changing the alignment of my foot, and that’s creating problems with my left big toe rubbing against the second toe on that foot. Is it possible to have a bunion on your second toe? I need a spongy thing between the two toes but have difficulty reaching down to put it in.
As I was leaving the Bikram parking lot, Mike Berstene called. I had made a 10 am appointment to talk with him today about Mike’s book and then forgot when other parts of the day’s schedule changes. Yikes! I told him I would be home in an hour.
I stopped off at Target to get new tops for my Bikram outfit, bathing suit tops or athletic bras, and poop bags for Elsa. I got distracted because there were greenies on sale. When I got out to the parking lot, I realized I didn’t pick up the poop bags. Oh, well. There’s always tomorrow.
I went to Costco and bought pretzels, almond milk, they were out last time, so I bought 3 cases, salad and got gas. I called Mike Berstene while I was on the line to tell him I would be home shortly. He said he was in a workshop and would call me back when he could.
When I got home, the first thing I did was take out the garbage. It was trash pickup day. That made it the perfect day to clean out the grain products from the pantry, which I hadn’t done since we had the kitchen installed in 2015. Oh, dear.
Many of the grain products, rice, pasta, tempura, panko, etc. had gone bad. Either the containers were penetrated by some critter or the bug eggs that had been embedded in the grain product, matured, and were chomping away. This mostly happened with matzah. He had four different varieties, all infested with bugs. I dumped the infected food right into the garbage and took it out to the curb.
Mike Berstene called back. Wow! Wow! and Wow! Did he ever have good news for me! Mike B. is the guy who the Josephinum tech guy suggested I get hold of after telling me that he had no access to my Mike’s files.
1) Mike B has access to Mike’s files and has Mike R’s whole book.
2) When I spoke to Mike B about getting an editor, he said I would also need a proxy author, someone who could accept or reject the editor’s suggestions. When I asked him if he would fulfill that role, he said yes. He also said that he knew others who could step in if it got too much for him.
a) Mike B is a published author himself,
b) Mike B is a deacon and was a deacon director. Remember my Mike’s book is on the diaconate.
c) He worked closely with my Mike for the last several years and has a good idea of what his thinking on the diaconate might be.
d) I finally asked him if he could call the Paulist Press for me, It seemed to me that he would know what to say. I had nightmares of speaking to someone there trying to tell them who my Mike was and that it would be worthwhile publishing his book. Mike B. said he would do that.
4) In a subsequent email, I, wanting to blunt any disappointment Mike B might face when he called Paulist Press, I assured him that I would be willing to pay an editor and pay to have it published on Amazon. Mike B wrote back the following:” Michael’s reputation and the quality of his work are sufficient that we should not have to pay anyone to publish or edit the book.” OMG! I don’t believe my Mike had that much confidence in himself.
After the phone call, I sat down and worked on the blog, mostly making notes for the day. I took a quick shower when I realized my student was coming shortly because of early dismissal on Wednesdays. I did MELT, but I had to skip the Tiger Tail.
I got an email from Raymond James that the Affidavit of Collection was approved by their law department. My lawyer emailed the Trust document today. If I have to have the trust revised, so it is just in my name, it can cost me 2,000 to 3,000 dollars. Hopefully, the Raymond James legal department will approve this, too.
When I asked the student if she was seeing improvement, she said no. When I asked her questions like, are you finding it easier to decode long words? Are you finding it easier to read quickly? She answered, yes. Her problem is that she is scared she won’t be able to read the material at the 6t grade level. So her criterion for having improved seems to be that she will no longer feel scared. I think she has made so much improvement, I have to wonder how much I have actually taught her. She either knew a lot, or she is a quick study. She still makes mistakes on words like no, ever, he, or isn’t, but she can read selections on a third-grade level fluently, and her decoding skills are decent. If the school’s initial evaluation of her reading is correct, she made over 2 years of growth in less than a month. I still have to push her to use context clues.
She was exhausted when she arrived but pushed through. After an hour, I finished reading the end of the chapter for her. Her grandmother wasn’t there to pick her up. She sat on one of my sofas and went to sleep. Elsa was lying on a pillow next to her. Thank you, Elsa.
I did some work on the blog while she napped. Judy called. I told her the good news Mike B gave me about my Mike’s book. She told me that her husband’s doctor thought the symptoms her husband was having were caused by his medication, and they might disappear with adjustment.
When I walked Elsa, I ran into Jazzy, Adam, Judy’s son, Leon, Luke, Bones, and Zander. Two adults, two kids, and two dogs. Jazzy had a promised piece of cake in her hand, which she was delivering to me. Since I was walking Elsa, she put it into my mailbox. I picked it up, along with the mail, when I got home with Elsa. I did some more work on the blog before I had dinner.
I had dinner, watched TV and cataloged some books. I walked Elsa again, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.
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