Friday, March 31, 2023

 Friday, March 31, 2023

  

    I had an appointment with Shelly today. I had a huge breakthrough. I am haunted by trips people lay on me. Some of them are absurd and factually wrong. Mike sometimes accompanied me on visits to therapists. He didn’t understand why they didn’t get me. Thank God Mike did. There are others in my life who don‘t get me, too. Some think I’m the most self-centered, and some think my generosity of spirit is my greatest strength. I have been in conferences where I spoke up. Afterward, some would come and tell me what a terrible person I was; others would say I was the most trustworthy person in the room. Go figure! None of it made a lot of sense to me. I’m not bothered by the over-the-top praise as long as that person is not an ongoing presence in my life. I don’t like people who admire me more than they like me. I’ve never had a good experience with that.    

   As I worked with Shelly, I realized that these folks wanted validation as much as I did. That was clearly my mother’s problem. She thought if I disagreed with her about anything- if it was going to rain, if a color was more blue or green, or if someone was pretty- she thought any difference of perception or opinion was me putting her down. What she needed was validation of her point of view. I thought of allowing that to happen with someone. It was the weirdest experience. Shelly and I could feel a change at a body level, but neither of us understood what was happening.  

  I have always believed that someone who disagrees with me has a slice of the truth somewhere, just as much as I don’t have the whole truth. I’m not comfortable with a winner-take-all battle over ‘the truth.’ I don’t see the value of telling someone their point of view is correct when I don’t believe it is. I would like to see an exchange of ideas take place where we both learn something new. Some people are not capable of that. Some believe engaging in that exchange demonstrates a lack of integrity and moral corruption.

 At any rate, I spent the session sending validation to someone in my life who had a terrible opinion of me. Mike and I saw her together. We sometimes sat there with our mouths hanging open at some of the things she said. When we told her she was wrong, she apologized but never changed her approach to understanding me. I have no idea how I was validating this person. It was all happening at an energetic/body level. Shelly didn’t understand either. How can I validate someone who puts me down? I don’t mean someone who criticizes me for a behavior. That’s in my ballpark. People who assault my character don’t even give me specific examples of what I’ve done so I can understand what they object to. It’s Kafkaesque. That’s what life with my mother was like. It was torture.

  I found a pile of poopy under my laundry line today. I know it wasn’t there before. I’ve been looking. This means Elsa is comfortable using the outdoor lanai to relieve herself. I’m still waiting for some evidence that she will use the doggy door herself without a treat or foot stomping.

  I texted Adolescent D’s mother to ask her to look up his grade on his last video assignment. He got 100 points out of 100. D had heard back from his uncle; he said he would be honored to be interviewed by D. I reminded him to ask him to host the Zoom meeting so he could record it. He said no, he could do it. I asked if he knew how. No, he would look it up. I told him to look it up now. He did. We went back to the reading work. I asked him if he wanted to do Phase I, starting with the sound of the word, or Phase II, beginning with the written word. He chose Phase I. He did pretty well. 

   I thought it would be worthwhile trying a reading passage. I chose one at a third-grade level. Once a student can read at a high third-grade level, they have mastered the task of word recognition, which means they can read the word out loud. The rest of schooling involves learning new vocabulary and general knowledge. D already has a lot of the latter. He needs word recognition skills. He got through the passage on his own but slowly. He applied the decoding procedure he learned to most words. His reading would improve if he read for ten minutes every day. He doesn’t. He won’t.

  Wright wrote more about the not-self. He defined it today as not thinking one is the center of the universe and understanding that someone else’s needs and wants are as valid as yours. What about the people who think their own needs are not as valid as anyone else’s? Are these people considered truly enlightened? Gee, I hope not. It sounds like a nightmare to me.  

  The other point I would like to make is that everyone should see themselves as the dead center of their universe- just no one else’s. Everyone should recognize that everyone sees themselves as the center of their universe. I am the most important person in my world. Without me, I don’t exist, even to care about anyone else.