Thursday, February 16, 2023

Thursday, February 16, 2023

We had our second yoga class this week. The first was an extra on Valentine’s Day. I think it was in remembrance of Casey’s and Jared’s wedding. Deb joined us today. She is here visiting from Seattle, which she hates. She loves the Big Island, and I mean adores it. I love living here too. All the wonderful things they say about living in Hawaii are true. Some of the terrible things they say are also true. It is unbelievably expensive. The less money you have, the more hostile this world is for you.

   I called a man to fix my irrigation system. He said he couldn’t do it and recommended someone else. He finally told me his landlord was throwing him out. If you don’t own your own home now, you are vulnerable. He said he may have to leave the island. The world is a harsh place to live unless you have a good grip on your piece of the pie.

  In a lecture of Bloom’s, he said everyone thinks they’re above average- unless you were systematically denigrated. I was systematically denigrated. My mother told me regularly that my opinion was worthless. I don’t know how I evaluate myself now. I don’t denigrate myself as I used to; others do it for me. I have enough others who think I’m just fine and valuable for my contributions to their life. I suspect I’m someone people have strong reactions to. I have no idea what to do about that.  

  I remember a time in my life when I thought my way of doing everything was the best. Then, I realized I didn’t have a perfect life. I obviously didn’t have all the answers. Even though my life got much better, I knew by that point that life was complex and everyone had their own piece of knowledge. I remain open to the possibility of other solutions. I always learn from others. The variations in life solutions must be infinite. I don’t see anyone who I think has cornered the market.

  I feel sad about the lack of interest in the teaching methods I developed. I don’t think they could help everyone. I have worked with adolescent D for two years, come next month. While he reads grade-level material with assistance, I don’t know if he could pass a second-grade reading test. He falls into potholes. He suddenly can’t remember a word or misreads one without self-correction. I wonder if he will ever read well enough to pass a basic reading test that tests for word accuracy. He should do well on one that doesn’t ask him to read orally, just tests for comprehension.

   I spoke about my sorrow to a friend. Her problems are clearly worse than mine. She has many burdens weighing on her. When I was seventeen, I told my uncle how sad I was. He said, “Compared to what many people suffer, your problems are trivial. But everyman’s sorrow is relative to his own experience.”  That was a great gift. It taught me to honor my suffering without assuming that anyone else’s is not valid. But also to understand that my grief is less devastating than someone else’s. My loss of Mike does not compare to what people are going through in war-torn countries. I have it easy. Even my loss of Mike is relatively easy. There are people whose life circumstances made their loss more devastating than mine. I was lucky on so many counts. That doesn’t mean I don’t have grief and don’t need the kind support of a friend.