Tuesday, February 21, 2023

 Tuesday, February 21, 2023

 I slept well last night, really well. Delicious. I love to sleep. I am blessed with the gift of good sleep. I considered myself very lucky.

   Elsa and I are getting in the habit of checking for lesions every morning and applying the salve. She doesn’t fight me. The same doesn’t apply to the foam. When I put that a lesion, she runs around the house. I assume it burns. 

  Once I posted the day’s blog and got another short walk in, I went down for a nap. I slept for an hour and a half. As I said, I can sleep. At 11, I got dressed and ready for the Bereavement Group. I have been avoiding it month after month. 

   I went once. I wasn’t comfortable with the leader. She ran the group like a class. She taught concepts, but no one got to talk. It was advertised as a support group. I said something to her about wanting to hear others speak. She said, “I don’t want to force people to speak.” I said, “You can create space.”  

    She did a much better job today. But I feel she is not comfortable with me. One woman said she was grateful when her husband died because if he had continued to live, it would have bankrupted her. I told everyone that I had similar feelings when Mike died. I was grateful. Had he lived, he would have had to stay in Honolulu. He had kidney failure. There is no care facility here that could have accommodated him. I couldn’t have driven him to the dialysis center three times a week. He would have hated his condition. He would have hated putting me in that position. His mind may have been compromised by the prolonged intubation and medications. He would have been so depressed. It wouldn’t have been a chance to be loving and loved. It would have been hell. And it would have depleted our funds, leaving me destitute after he died. Thank God he died when he did.  

    When we met, Mike and I had a good 20-30 %  compatibility. It was up to 80-90% by the time he died. I was happy with him; I can safely attest to that. He also said and showed others that he was happy with me. He valued me at least as much as his books. Those were the two things that had to go with him to Hawaii.

   While he was in the hospital, I kept telling him I was up for anything as long he allowed me to love him and found me funny. I repeated it over and over. I could have accepted anything if that continued to be true. The leader said usually people are grateful their partner died because they were no longer in pain. She disapproved of my being glad for my own sake. The leader may be trained and certified but is not very good. She’s not deep enough to deal with this complicated situation.  

   I stopped at the bank on my way home to deposit a check for the month from second-grade M’s father. I was going to stop at Costco. The parking lot was jammed. It must have been a welfare-check day. I thought the hell with this and went home. Costco deliveries come in today. I have a better chance of getting what I want tomorrow or Thursday. 

   At 11:30, I headed out to the Bereavement group meeting. I’ve been dreading it. I don’t think I need it. I grieve on my own, and I meet with a therapist. I really dislike the woman who runs the group. I think she is unsuited for the job. That’s a little harsh. She thinks formulaically; she’s a Hallmark card thinker. I throw wrenches into her thinking. I don’t fit a mold she approves of. I’ve seen this before. I’m willing to say how something impacts me without sounding like I’m only concerned about others. That doesn’t eliminate that concern. Many people are appalled by my blatant honesty. I say what many people feel. We lose the loved one and all they gave us; we also lose ourselves, the person we were when they were alive. It’s all about us from our perspective. This doesn’t mean we didn’t and don’t want the best for the other person and did what we could to make that happen. Many people are deeply invested in their self-image as a self-sacrificing, good person. This is a bug-a-boo for me. My mother insisted she did everything for my good. God protect me from people who only do things for my good- whether I think so or not. 

   I want people around me who are invested in the self-image as a good person, but not people who are unaware that that is in their self-interest. It’s not for me to decide if my actions benefit others. It is for them to decide if I have been successful or not. By their fruits may you know them; not by their self-claims.