Sunday, November 19, 2023

 

Sunday, November 19, 2023

 

           I wake up well before dawn every day, sometime between 3:30 and 5 a.m. From then on, I'll doze. The roosters are on the same sleep schedule as me. They make a racket, disturbing my sleep. Around dawn, the hens get going. Every morning, just about first light, they set off an uproar. I hear different theories as to why. B says they make that racket when they come down from the trees. We have over forty wild chickens on our property. They come down when there is enough light for them to see the ground. The noise is deafening.

   When I saw Nineth-Grade L at the Ulu Wini center, I asked her if the EFT helped her stay calm when she read aloud in class. Yes. She wasn't disturbed by the girls who laughed when she read.

  Some actors prefer to follow the script to the letter. Others prefer some degree of freedom to improvise. Even those actors who follow the script to the letter vary their performances from night to night, even if the degree of difference is slight. The strict script follower and the wild improvisers can clash.

   I heard a wonderful story of Jessica Tandy and Marlon Brando, costarring in Streetcar Named Desire. She followed the script and relied on the other actors to do so. Brando was all into improv; he never said the same words twice in a row. It drove Tandy nuts. Besides being erratic, Brando was inconsiderate. He could have improvised and kept Tandy's needs in mind. But he didn't take anyone's needs in mind.

   There are similar differences in social interactions:  some prefer a script and want everyone to follow it, and some prefer improvisation, feeling it allows for more freedom and deeper connection. 

    There was a time when social interactions were highly scripted. A certain percentage of our social interactions are still scripted: the 'Hello, how are you?' exchange is an example in most Western cultures. That exchange is not an inquiry into another person's health; it is social stroking. Its sole function is to execute a social interaction to affirm loose connection and acceptance. While it can be used as a jump-off point to give and gather information, it is most frequently not used that way. If it is meant as a genuine inquiry, the inflection is different.

   Most of today's interactions require more improvisation than in the past. It is very stressful. There isn't a common standard you can rely on. The likelihood of running into people just like you in our mobile world is slim. We all greet each other with somewhat to drastically different expectations. We all have to wing it.

   Some expect everyone to meet their "high standards" and hold them as the norm. For them, there's something wrong with anyone who doesn't conform. While I can appreciate the dilemma, it causes a lot of friction. Mike was someone with a low tolerance for surprises. He preferred distance to people over interaction. I had two Scorpios in my life. They were both alarmed by my outgoing nature.

   My mother claimed her perception of my behavior as being socially inappropriate was accurate, and she had to verbally beat me into doing it her way. It was somewhat of a joke because she was often socially inappropriate by most people's standards.

   On the other hand, Mike respected other ways of dealing with people and only asked me to practice restraint to calm his fears. He had a low tolerance for what he called 'chaos," and he saw me as a chaos maker. When he heard of things I did socially or professionally at school, he would say, "If I were your boss, I would fire you." That was despite knowing perfectly well the methods I developed were spectacularly effective. My improvisational style scared him. He wasn't comfortable with the random way my mind worked either, not until a therapist told him I was a phenomenalist. Then, he had a safe category for me. I was his house-trained Wittgenstein. He also got used to my friendliness. He finally understood there are people like me who respond well to being approached by a total stranger. Mike preferred structured settings where he had a script.

   Someone told me the difference between introverts and extroverts is that introverts get energized when alone, while extroverts when with others. I am definitely an extrovert. From what I have observed, it depends on where the person feels safest. I felt safer engaged with others than sitting quietly by my mother's side. Anyone was safer than she was, and she behaved better when others were around.   My mother adored me, as did Mike. They were just more introverted than I was. Both of them found all human beings dangerous. They are.

   Yvette's mother, Tarna, and I articulated a difference. Some build fences to keep the dangerous others out and invite them in for tea and work to reconcile differences. Both styles of living can be effective, and both have their flaws. Either extreme is dysfunctional.

  As an extrovert, I get a kick when introverts tell me how to behave. 

Do I make mistakes and make others uncomfortable? You better believe I do. Introverts believe doing nothing has no impact on others. It does. We all do things that hurt others. We all do the best we can. Well, maybe not everyone. There is always Ted Kaczynski, but look what was done to him.

   Late into our marriage, Mike confronted me on how I approached employees at Home Depot. He said I just walked up and started talking; I should say excuse me first. I pointed out to him I only started talking after I had made direct eye contact with the person. We established expectations before I said my first word. Mike, being introverted, didn't have the experience that comes from a lifetime of trial and error.