Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Damn! I'm in bad shape: depression or just grief? The losses have piled up, and they keep coming. I'm so vulnerable that Lutz's plans to leave for Asia next week and be gone for six months hurts. Lutz had become a regular walking and talking partner. He can be difficult. He corners people and talks their heads off. There have been some funny scenes where I've stepped in to save the hapless listener. I learned I could tell him to stop talking or stop talking about a particular topic. I can be myself. I also find much of what he talks about interesting.

  One of the traits I object to is his contempt for the people of Hawaii: he says they're unfriendly and not very bright. He likes people from other countries, such as South America and Asia. I suspect they're friendly because he's a tourista. They're interested because they don't understand what he's saying, and their culture prevents them from escaping the situation. Lutz doesn't mean to be rude. He really doesn't get it. He may be on the spectrum.

  On the other hand, he has a current of sweet energy running through him. I've only seen him manifest it once. Shivani, my niece, visited with her five-year-old son. He broke out in a rash. Shivani was concerned it might be monkeypox. Sidney accompanied me on an evening walk with Elsa. I shared Shivani's concern. Lutz asked Sid if he could check. He was so gentle. He asked if he could look and knelt down. The stream of kindness is not evident when he walks and talks. His arrogant stance dominates. But he likes me and enjoys my company- a winning combination.

  I miss this tender connection. Scott offered a little. It was part of his personality. He didn't spend much time with me, but the little he did slightly relieved my loneliness.  

 After church last Sunday, I spent some time talking to people. Shirley had another meal for me. She, Paulette, and I stood there talking together. As Shirley's husband came to join us, he brushed her shoulder with his hand. It nearly ripped me apart. Boy, do I miss those hardly noticeable exchanges of affection!

   Adolescent D handed in the work we did together. This is amazing. He often doesn't hand in work he has completed. Did he forget, or did he want to avoid a humiliating low grade? I emailed the completed work to his mom with instructions. She said she would look it over and help him edit it. I was afraid she would change some of his tender honesty about his failings as a student. He was amazingly vulnerable. 

She said she put it into Google Docs and emailed it to him. He was going to edit it. Oh, dear. I was afraid he'd change his message. But no. he didn't do that. He corrected some spelling. While I had run the part where he talked about his failings and what he would do to fix his bad habits through Grammarly, I had yet to do that with the first part of the piece where he summarized chapters one through five.  

  One of his suggestions was asking for help from others. When we discussed it, he said getting help makes him look weak. Did he enjoy the work he did with me? Yeah, a little. Were you surprised? Yes. I suggested he tell me immediately whenever he gets an assignment. He doesn't have to do the work with me; he has to tell me it exists. It would be a start.

 I worked with Mama K's twins. With Twin E, I'm still working on word recognition. She was showing much improvement. She always makes an effort to pay attention to the letters. She can only read a passage accurately with a lot of support on a first-grade level.

  I worked on fluency with Twin A. Her word recognition is better than it is for Twin E, but she still reads word by word. I have her reading pre-primer material to teach fluency.

 Mama K met with her kids' teachers on open school night. She said the special ed teachers see improvement in both girls. Most impressive is the news about Twin A. Last year, she would cry because she couldn't do the work, but now she works to figure out the word. This is what I work for. I teach strategies for decoding and remembering.

  I contacted Josephine at Ula Wini to see how her tutoring program is developing. She has different people coming in on different days to tutor. They were trying to repair two computers so that I could work with some children. I fear they're too old to support Zoom.

 I was interested in doing a psychedelic trip to heal my PTSD. My mom was like the barbed 'mother' in Harlow's monkey experiments. It was terrifying. 

   My friend Darby found a psychologist who had just completed two years of training. Once the use of psychedelics becomes legal in Hawaii, she's in business. The woman came to my home to interview me. She wanted to ensure I was physically and mentally up to the experience. She decided I probably was okay. I liked the woman but found her flaky and inconsistent. She talked about monitoring me through the trip and then not doing it. It's not legal in Hawaii yet. Doing so might put her psychologist's license in jeopardy.  

 I texted her asking if she would or would not be willing to monitor me or if she would do the pre and post-sessions. She told me that she charged $200 an hour and a half. Now, she said the conversations we had fulfilled the pre-trip requirement, and she was not charging me. Huh? I have to ask Darby if she is this way usually or if she is this way because she's recovering from the death of her wife of forty years. Either way, she was sending out ambiguous messages. I told her I only wanted to do it with her if she was clear. If not, it wouldn't be suitable for either one of us.