Saturday, December 21, 2024

 Saturday, December 21, 2024  

  I woke up at 1:30 but only got up at 4:30.  I must have dozed for at least part of the time. I did a lot of thinking but not stinking thinking.  

   In my work with my therapist, one of the big themes is getting myself out of my own way when it comes to broadcasting my methods for teaching word recognition.  The approach I've developed is easy to learn and easy to teach. The kids love it, it works, and it costs nothing. Moreover, it applies to any alphabetic language and any language dialect.  People don't have to learn a standard pronunciation before learning to read. Their own will serve quite nicely in learning word recognition skills.  

     I'm in a triple bind I can't resolve when promoting my work. Of course, there's the standard: fear of rejection.  There's the rejection of the ideas and rejection of me for being someone who could generate these ideas.  While the rejection of ideas doesn't make me happy, I understand why people may not be comfortable with it.  People want what's familiar and comfortable. The rejection can be disappointing and make me sad, but it's nothing I can't cope with. I understand this method involves a tolerance for making surprising discoveries. Most elementary school teachers prefer to look like they know everything.  While I am comfortable when I discover something I hadn't known in front of my students, I had a supervisor who freaked out when she saw me causally ask my students to help me out when I didn't remember something. Holy cow!  The profession believes teachers should be Gods, not human beings.

   The second bind is my fear of recognition and appreciation.  I think I can handle appreciation of the work. It makes me feel good if someone thinks what I have to offer is a good idea and can run with it.  I've had people respond that way and am okay with it.  Then, some people think I'm amazing for generating these ideas.   Mmm! I'm not as good with that.  I can only tolerate small doses, particularly if someone is overly impressed. 

   I have another option. I could put it out anonymously. That would be hard in a video, but not impossible. I can handle the methods being uncredited – if necessary.  I'm not entirely free from wanting credit.  But what really kills me is if someone else takes credit, no less if some corporation claims it and figures out a way to make money.  Of course, if they stick to the method, they will find it hard to use it to make money.  It really requires no new materials.    

     I received a Christmas card from relatives in Germany with pictures of their family, their two grown kids with their spouses and children, and Dagmar's 99-year-old father, my mother's first cousin. These are my closest relatives other than my sister, her kids, and grandkids. Ours is a small family. Dorothy and I have no first cousins. My mother was an only child, and my father's brother never married and had no children, as far as we know. 

   I saw a friend's  Facebook post about her wedding anniversary, saying the last year had been the best year ever.  They were married when they were nineteen and are well past their 50th wedding anniversary.  As all couples have, they've been through their ups and downs and have stuck it out.  Not everyone gets rewarded for sticking with it. There has to be some core that works for both parties. That core is different for everyone. How much is dumb luck, how much is good judgment, and how much is shifts in relationships that make all the difference?  We need to celebrate a positive outcome.  I am delighted that I can feel joy for their happiness instead of resentment.

     My mother-in-law resented everyone their joy after she lost her husband. Envy isn't one of my major weaknesses. This is because I framed what the others had as examples of what was possible for me, not as an example of what I didn't have. When looked at that way, the good fortune of others triggered hope, not despair.  If it was possible, I hoped it would be available to me. I understood the major obstacle to getting what I wanted was me.  That's what had to change.  I wasn't interested in material success or fame, I was interested in community and interpersonal relationships.  Having said that, I do not feel I have any particular claim to great success in that arena.  But I have had success in two major areas of my life: my husband and my mother.  Do I mean they were perfect? Absolutely not. Perfect is never an option.  They were good enough.   

   As I think of it, I feel a pang when I see couples connecting the way Mike and I did that meant the most to me. I don't know if it's envy or just plain grief.  Whatever it is, it can hurt.  It didn't happen in the case of my friends. I know their joy is won over many years of being together.  I am genuinely happy for them.

    When I was seventeen, I told my uncle how miserable I was.  He said something that framed my life. It's incredible how a few sentences can be life-altering. He said my problems were trivial compared to others, but each man's problems are relative to his own experience.  I had a comfortable material life. While the psychological atmosphere in my childhood home was challenging, there was no malicious abuse, mental or physical. I was loved by both my parents as best as they could. My uncle's wise words helped me keep perspective.