Sunday, December 22, 2024

 Sunday, December 22, 2024

    I didn't do much today besides going to church. My students all want a vacation. I have mixed feelings about it. It's nice to have a 'vacation' during my retirement.

    After Mass, Paulette sat with me during coffee time. It was lovely. I don't usually engage in conversations with anyone. People greet me warmly, but there's no connection other than that. Many conversations are church-based.

    In my session with Shelly yesterday, she suggested I do the work anonymously to avoid dealing with people's reactions directly. She said it was just ego standing in my way. That got me thinking hard about what exactly ego was. I saw ego on a continuum.

   Now, every living thing, including plants, has likes and dislikes. We all move toward something we like and away from what we dislike, including plants and single-celled animals.  When the likes and dislikes involve physical survival needs, I can't imagine anyone considering that an ego drive.  Well, I'm not. To do so would mean an amoeba has an ego.  I can't imagine anyone stretching the definition that far. At what point can we say ego kicks in. I think it has to have something to do with a capacity for abstract thought, a concept of self detached from personal survival or survival of others connected with our survival.

   I'm thinking out loud here. Let's start with self, independent of the well-being of others, like children, as in one's own. The ego has something to do with self-concept, which is, in itself, an abstract concept.  We develop a sense of self with language, specifically when we start creating stories; we create 'the story of me."  I am this, and I am not that.  We place value on that story or parts of the story. Let's say a healthy ego incorporates a realistic view of our good and bad points. A realistic view of what we are capable of as individuals and human beings, both good and bad. Hmmm! I wonder. I think most of us would prefer to focus on what makes us valuable and good people and ignore how we do damage in the world. Those who dwell on the negative aspect of themselves are considered neurotic; those who dwell only on the positive aspects of themselves are considered narcistic.  This is getting very complicated because there are different scales. Some measure themselves on the scale of morality; some measure entitlement and some power.  Those are all abstract concepts.

    An animal can wield power over others in his species but do it for the sake of others. I can think of an example where a human did that.  The Bielski Brothers established a village in the Belorussian woods of as many as 2,000 people to escape the persecution of the Nazis during WWII. The brother's rule was absolute. They were genuinely benevolent despots.  In the movie about the village they established, there was a scene where a dissenter was shot and executed. 

    Food portions are carefully controlled.  One man argued the brothers have no right to tell them how much food they can eat.  Each man should decide that for himself. Food supplies were limited. For all to survive, the portions had to be measured. The rebel tried to incite others. One of the brothers turned to walk away, pulled a gun from his belt, and shot the man.  After the war, these brothers never sought recognition or reward for what they had done.   I'm sure some group members felt their control was too tight. Was it?  Did they exert their control because they were power hungry or because they believed it was for the benefit of the group?  Even if it was the latter, were they 100% right?  Is that relevant?   All this is to ask: is it ego when the silverback ape exerts dominance over his troop?    Then I ask if his ego says it is his role to enforce discipline on a group of people for their benefit, and at what point is that bad?

    But none of this addresses my personal question.  Clearly, my ego is interfering with what some part of me wants to do that may actually be beneficial for others.  This sounds like it's all the downside of ego. I don't see anyone benefitting from this, not me and not others.  If I put out my ideas aggressively, could that be bad for me or someone else?  Anything can have negative consequences.  Can I cope with those? Apparently, I don't think so

   Hmm. I see a definition of ego in the negative sense hidden here. It's ego when it interferes with the well-being of self or others. Nay. That can't be it. if someone tries to kill me and I am prepared to kill them to defend myself or others, is that ego? if I do nothing to protect myself when threatened, isn't that also ego? I define myself as someone incapable of violence and would rather die than see myself in a different light.  I can think of a reasonable exception for every example I bring up.

   My mother was a deeply wounded person. She passed on her wound to her children. Thanks, Mom.  Trauma is passed on from generation to generation unless someone makes an effort to stop it. As far as I can see, the only way to stop it is to heal yourself. If you don't, everything that touches that wound feels like it was touched with a hot poker.  It naturally leads to acting out. The pain is searing. Recently, some of my deep wounds have been healed,  partially healed. Whatever, it's better.  The many actions of others that used to trigger intense alarm have been calmed.  It is truly remarkable.

 Parents swearing they will never do to their children what was done to them swing to the opposite extreme and do damage that way. Children who deny there was any damage perpetuate the system. I heard a radio talk show psychologist say that every parent will do harm to their children. The question is only what kind and how much. If a parent's ego makes that reality impossible, they have to ignore their child's signs of distress.

    If you're longing for a simpler time when we didn't have to think about complicated emotions, you're longing for a time when our lives were in perpetual life-threatening danger. There's no better cure for a neurosis than a painful physical condition, something life-threatening even better.

    It was a day when I got a little down.  I was mind numb.