Tuesday, October 15, 2024

 Tuesday, October 15, 2024

     I slept well. When I woke, I felt that old anxiety. It started again yesterday after several miraculous days without it.  I remembered hearing that we all have a baseline mental state that we return to. If our life was difficult and we had something good happen, we would be joyful for a short time and then return to our baseline. That would be unfortunate in my case. My baseline is filled with sorrow and anxiety. Yuck! So was Mike’s. He tried a variety of things to deal with his feelings. When nothing worked, he had the doctor up his Lexapro meds to above the prescribed limit. I was concerned. He said he would rather be dead than not on that dosage of the meds.  It is those meds that may have triggered his pancreatitis.  It may not be, too. I have heard of several cases of people with kidney failure dying of pancreatitis. It’s not a good way to go. 

    My historic way of dealing with my anxiety is to move faster than it did.  With increased self-discipline, I can no longer mask the internal turmoil.  I sure don’t want to over-medicate.  I believe it is possible to overcome this state through what Vipassana teaches.  It teaches if you calmly observe your body, everything is curable.  I have experienced some of that myself.  

    During my first Vipassana sit, I experienced acute physical pain. If I sat with my legs straight, my coccyx hurt.  If I sat with my legs crossed, my left inner thigh hurt.   I spent a lot of time switching between the two positions. Then, I committed to holding one through the pain. Only I didn’t call it pain.  I just described it without referring to the pain/pleasure valance. It went away and never came back in full force.

    When first sitting Vipassana, you are so overwhelmed by the physical pain that you remain almost unaware of any psychological pain.  My physical pain is no longer an issue.  I have very little. I have made many changes, but I’m still stuck with the baseline I set before the age of two.  I don’t like it one bit, but I am determined to work through it.  Sometimes it’s all too much.

  I once hit an extreme state of anxiety while doing a formal 10-day Vipassana sit in Massachusetts. I asked for help from the meditation leader. She told me to lie down and only focus on my hands and feet until I calmed down.  I used that trick now while lying in bed. I could feel the shaking in those spots, but it wasn’t overwhelming.

   When I woke up, I saw Elsa wasn’t in bed with me. She always sleeps the night in my bed. During the day, she follows me around every minute. I go to the bathroom, and there she is.  I walked to the door, and there she was.  If I lie on the bed during the day, I can count on her joining me. Then, at night, she has her own ideas. however, she always is there in the morning. It was a huge surprise not to find her there this morning.

   I walked out to the lanai and she was on the sofa where she had been last night before I went to bed.  I picked her up and carried her to the bed. I curled up with her and put a bit of blanket over her.  She continued lying there even after I stopped rubbing her belly. Usually, once I stop that or, God forbid, put some blanket over her, she’s out of there in a flash.  I’m worried about her. If this behavior continues, I must have the vet check her. There may be an actual physical problem underlying this change of behavior.  I hate to think of what will happen to me if there is anything wrong with her.  My relationship with her is the only bonded one that is positive.  I will be devasted.

    Because I spent so much time with Elsa, I got up late. I do one exercise each morning that leaves me tired. I move my arms as if I was playing a racket sport. I do forward hits, backhand hits, and then badminton moves, pounding my arms up and then down. The important aspect of the exercise is that it is jerky, so the muscles are shocked. It is that shock that stimulates muscle growth and bone strength.  

    This movement reminds me of the bounces we used to do in dance classes. Because of the influence of yoga principles, sustained positions were taught over the bounces.  From what I’ve experienced, the sustained position is suitable for stretching; the bounces are good for strengthening.

     I had sixth grade RCH today. It was our fourth session.  I used the mental embedding technique with her in our second session.  It already made a difference in her reading. The letters were clearer and more stable. We also worked on her b/d confusion. No teacher had offered her any tricks for telling them apart.  I started with the old BED trick. You form circles with your thumb and index finger, bringing them together while holding the other four up.  It looks a little like a bed.  The left-hand forms the lowercase b, and the right the lowercase d.   I also showed her that the base of the lowercase d was a manuscript lowercase a. I showed her the base of the d. if you saw an a in the letter, it was a d.

   We did a practice run. I chose some random text and pointed to each case of a b or d. She had to say which one it was. She made a few mistakes but self-corrected. She is an excellent learner, but she needed someone to show her what to learn. 

      It was drizzling as Elsa and I headed out for an evening walk.  I would get damp, but my clothes would dry quickly. As we rounded the corner, the rain started coming down harder.  I headed home. I wouldn’t make my 10,000 steps today. 

    I had been listening to The Forgetting Tree on Audible. It was a free book I selected randomly.  It took a dark turn.  I tried to find a plot outline. I found a general one, saying that the protagonist fell under the influence of a dark personality. That was an understatement. A middle-aged woman with cancer hires a psychopathic caretaker who starves her and steals from her.  Most of the book details these interactions.  Since I couldn’t find out how the book ends online, I thought of listening to the whole thing. Then, I realized I could skip most of the book and listen to the end.  I jumped from chapter 14 to chapter 24.  There were 31 chapters altogether. The abuse was still being detailed.  I skipped to chapter 28. Not over yet. I went to chapter 30. Yay.  The protagonist was getting control of the situation, and the two sociopaths no longer had sway.

     Yvette came up for dinner. She popped a frozen food in the microwave, and I prepared half an everything bagel, cream cheese and lox sandwich with a salad.  I enjoyed her company.